Archive for journey

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The World’s A Stage

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 26, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,…”

William Shakespeare…

My world is a stage…you…you are but a player on my earth.

I was quick to judge you as you were quick to judge me.

I looked at my own flaws through your eyes. I sought perfection in myself as I did you. But often, you failed me. Repeatedly, I failed you.

Recently, I heard someone say, “I found that if I was not the problem, there was no solution.” I had to drink these words, allowing them to flow lightly over my tongue as I swished them around in my mouth so I could savor the statements reality.

It was up to me (through God) to find serenity–not you.

　

There is a “bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us ” (from the Big Book of AA) reminding me that we are all flawed and just trying to endure the performance of our life— each day we try-out for a new scenario.

But we are good too.

Survival–life. Maybe more. Abundance? (John 10:10)

But I have come to believe that my addiction is the best thing that could have happened to me. Proving to me that I know very little about what I need and what is in my best interest. So, maybe you judge me by my failures–my addiction. But God judges me by failures and how I rise from the ashes of destruction –”for My ways are not your ways.” (Isaiah 55:8)

Thus, I have learned that all the times I thought I had the world figured out, you figured out and gave you long endearing advice, I really didn’t know what was good for you for I did not even know what was good for me.

So, today I resign from having all the answers.

And whatever is in front of me at the moment, whatever I find peace in at that instant…IS God’s will for my life.

Humbled? Maybe but I am content in living in the background of my stage of existence.

Beautifully Awkward

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The Great Mystery

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 11, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

“Once you alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now… the hope.” (Colossians 1:21-23)

 

…The Great Mystery…

 

So…Christ died for my sins…somehow that was not enough to keep me sober.

I’m sure that just about now, many of you are aghast at what I just said. But if this were not true, none of us would sin. For clearly, something was missing. And I was sure to find it.

I have great zeal and passion for life. I just never knew it. My secular knowledge and wisdom far outweighed the supernatural world yet to be explored. I was intellectually prideful… Not to be confused with an intellectual…obviously.  I had the lights on but nobody home deal as well– no heart either.

I faced the subtle lies and deceptions of the world around me through my diverse skills…those developed along my path of destruction.

I cultivated my own spiritual world, my own beliefs. No wonder I could not embrace the “Church” –maybe that and the shame factor. Either way, it was a volatile combination–the implosive type.

Inner alienation…self destruction…the great fall…

For God used all this to clear out the cobwebs of my life to open up room for…

His Son…

The Great Mystery…was not that Christ died for my sins (although He did) but that I could live tenderly, passionately and with tremendous zeal with and for my Savior…

Beautifully Awkward

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Letting Go

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 6, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
I remember back as a little girl, the first time my dad let go of my hands. He said, “Go, I‘m right here.” I trusted him. I jumped into the deep waters and swam. He watched me intently with his big beautiful and loving eyes. I was the center of his attention. The world had stopped for a brief eternity.   

I remember…   

My first day of school my dad walked me up to my class, and said, “Go, I’m right here.” There he let go of my hand, kissed my head and walked away. I believe I saw a tear.  My heart was beating so fast. But I trusted him. I knew he would be waiting for me.   

When I was nine, my dad held me tightly until the doctors wheeled me back into the procedure room to sew up my head from a tragic injury. My dad said, “Go, I’m right here.” I still remember him reluctantly letting go of my tiny hand. Oh, I did not handle the separation, for I saw my dad cry. I felt my heart swell.  I knew I was loved.    

Then life changed…Some months later something happened, my dad had to go. Through the heartbreaking devastation of divorce, my dad took my hand and said, “I must go, but I’m right here.” My trust was shaken that day. Obviously if I had tried harder, my daddy would not have gone.   

So my days grew dark and long… the days became months and the months became years. I was learning a new life without the structure I had known, albeit not that great for my parents really were not cordial. I was learning to live out of a new identity of that of my previous Daddy’s Little Girl, I began looking to fill a void deep within my heart. I wanted to be the center of someone’s attention. I wanted back what I had as a little girl.   

Trying to fill the past with something of the present is like putting a square peg in a round hole. I just doesn’t work. For God says, “Press toward the goal…” (Phil 3:14)—- not … hang out in the past…   

But the pain was too great for me… So I continued to fill the void with things not of God…   

Near the end of my father’s life, I plummeted into total despair. I held the pain of his death like a trophy. I could not let go. For letting go would mean… acknowledging my sickness, my victim mentality and meaning that I would have to become real with myself. To release my dad to my Heavenly Father, I would have to release myself as well. No more “Oh poor pitiful me….“seeking sympathy of others… living in the chaotic world I thrived in that kept it acceptable for me to use drugs. After all, look what I had been through…To trust–we must take a risk…for others are going to fail us… I am going to fail others.   

Letting go, would mean–Dad saying, “Go, I’m right here.”Letting go, would mean–Abba saying, “Go, I’m right here.”  

 Today, I am able to jump into the deep places of my life and immerse in the warmth of the surrounding embrace of love…For I am the apple of my Daddy’s eye.  

Beautifully Awkward     

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The Wrinkle Effect

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 2, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

The other day I put on a white shirt and white shorts as if to represent a new purity… It had begun to rain. Slowly at first the rain trickled. I stepped outside into the rain. I looked up to the Heavens. Soon the Heavens tears embraced my body. I felt the warm drops against my skin as the drops slid gently off my flesh.

I could smell the rain. It was like that of the Morning Sea.

I stuck my tongue out and tasted the freshness of the Heavens—Light and refreshing as manna from my Abba.

And then the burdens of Heaven came bursting forth– The downpour of the Spirits as they sang in harmony– A symphony of celestial music undefined by the human ear. I swirled in the rain and danced with my Abba.

Cleansing…the waters whispered sacredness too intimate to reveal… a silver shine of the tiny drops reflected my soul. I dropped to my knees. The grass sang a song of praise to the Heavens.

Why haven’t I heard this before? For too long I had run from the pureness of the cleansing rains.

I realized then that I may have never known the raindrop on my face, my flesh, or the deepest place of my heart had I not danced in the ecstasy of that moment.

I studied a puddle of rain and watched as the droplets created a ripple effect that reached the far ends of the waters.

Such as my life – What type of wrinkle have I caused in other’s lives?

Beautifully Awkward

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The Novocaine Has Worn Off

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 31, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I woke up the other night and my left arm was asleep…so much that when I tried to move it, it flopped and hit me right in the face… I hate that because I know what is to come. When the feeling began to return, it was excruciatingly uncomfortable for a short time before the feeling did return. Within a few minutes, the hypersensitivity began. The pins and needles sticking into my tender flesh was only the beginning, then the feelings of a ticklish type annoyance where I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry overcame my mind for a time. My focus at that point was on nothing but the pain I was currently enduring.

When it was over, peace. It’s crazy. All that –and all I did was compress a body part!

So, what about the years I suppressed (compressed) my mind with the drugs and alcohol ( plug in whatever you want or struggle with)?  Truly there is no difference! I numbed my mind completely. Dead asleep. The longer my mind was asleep–the worse my recovery became.

In medicine, we give Novocaine to numb and prevent pain. For me, subconsciously I presume, I self-medicated with prescription drugs (as if this makes it more acceptable) to dull the pain of my insecurities and imperfections. Keeping my loved one at arm’s length as to keep them from knowing my secret–I am not perfect! Never did it occur to me that no one is perfect except Christ. And that God prefers us that way to minister to others. (2 corinthians 1:3-5)

And so the day came–My mind was clearing and the feelings returning…. Let me say–I’d rather go through a million arms and legs returning from its slumber than the mind. The pain can be unbearable at times. My mind  played mean tricks on me. In the beginning I was in a gray fog… Which I believe was God’s gift–protecting me from the physical effects of the poisons leaving my body. But then–the hypersensitivity–the roller coaster of emotions began where I did not know whether to laugh or cry! Some days, comprehending life was like trying to drink water out of a fire hydrant. It was just too much for me.

One day, I am elated the next day I wonder if I can get out of bed. Too often we “addicts” are diagnosed with emotional disorders when really our emotions have not leveled out. I am full of junk that drove me to disparity. I am trying to  slap my arm around as if this will speed up the process of trying to get the feelings to come back. Same thing– I try to rush my healing, I want it more than anything… but it’s not mine to fix.. It’s my Abba Fathers.  For I have been unable to focus–before today– so why should I think I can steer this ship? 

But soon, very soon, the feelings are returning–good, bad and indifferent and this is where I can begin my journey of having God remove my shortcomings as they surface.

The feelings of happy, sad, anger, regret, sorrow and joy return… the very emotions I tried to hide, suppress and remove…but now I will know them with a new meaning.

Awake my soul… Psalm 57:8

The Novocaine has worn off.

Beautifully Awkward

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The Peeled Onion

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 24, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

My Journey–began the day I was born– From the very first touch of my momma’s arms and my daddy’s gaze, to today with every passing stranger’s glance. My life is eternal in that I will not perfect this walk until I stand before my Lord in His Holy presence.

I was talking to my sponsor today about things I am working on in my life that drove me to the disparity of drugs and she said, “This will be like peeling back an onion-layer by layer.” Each layer I will hand over to Abba.

Layer by layer–every layer of doubt and confusion, every layer of old beliefs, every layer of emotions, disappointments, hurt, resentment, discontent, loneliness and despondency. Until I reach the center of the onion–where the sweetness of the fruit is. It is the center of my heartbeat– my life.

How do I separate my heart from the throbbing, undulating emotions that force me into this giant roller-coaster ride called–life? Life where there is inconsiderate and sometimes downright mean actions against me?

I don’t.

Because this is where the middle of our soul, the heartbeat of our center of being is –where the “quiet and confidant” will shine for His glory.

If it were not for the outside circumstances bruising my tender skin, I may never have peeled and removed  each layer to get to that sweet precious center– to the place where my Lord awaits me.

For this is the journey I was called to…not that I would fall but that I would rise up again and bring glory to Him.

“O God, my heart is quiet and confident. No wonder I can sing Your praises…” Psalm 57:7

Beautifully Awkward

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The Occasional Power Outage

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 22, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Living on a diet of tears, I cried the blues… Where was my Maker? My God? Psalm 6:6

Tormented, I tossed and turned through the darkest part of the night. Sleepless nights became long…And soon the days became dark. The Moon faded and the Sun withered away.  

Nights were always the loneliest… The world hushed as she slept, while the quiet stillness haunted my restless spirit. The taunting voices spoke when no one was around—injecting doses of shame and guilt deep within. Mornings would come but not soon enough. Then the same raging war within me began all over.

My compass had broken long ago– I was so lost. I somehow managed to walk through the darkness of my life fumbling and feeling my way around– Only because I did this on my own. I did not seek help from anyone. It was a self-worth or lack-of problem for me.

The sad thing—is all I had to do was turn on the switch and the room would be illuminated. But that was too easy. It took another person handing me a new compass to find my way around the still dark part of my life I had led for a long time.

Eventually, but for the grace of God–the light came on. The Moon lit up. The Sun began to shine. And my Abba Father gathered my tears. Isaiah 25:8

I now sing a new song.  Psalm 33:3

Most days…

But I still have the occasional power outage…

Beautifully Awkward

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Color The Sky

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 19, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Lest I forget where I came from, let me go back to the beginning of my blackened sky.  

I remember a dark abyss…surrounded by demons, circled by a haze of uncertainty and confusion. …Voices calling me by name – unworthy, pitiful, shameful, selfish, unloved, unacceptable, ugly and evil.

The axis of my beliefs was and at times still are to quiet the voices in the only way I knew how.

In fact, had I not been faced with grave consequences I am not sure where I’d be now or if I’d even be alive. But I eventually succumbed to a Force greater than I.

Coerced into sobriety in a sense—by a family that loves me, a career I love and by a sickness that rages my body now and forever.

Someone asked me last night about how “it” (sobriety) came to be. I thought for a moment and said, “I came in kicking and screaming, very angry.” It was every one’s fault, not mine. The world had its way with me—I was in complete denial. I minimized the effects of my disease and yes, I lied. But the baffling, cunning and all-powerful disease was all too familiar to those around me. They just smiled. “What did they have to smile about,” I thought. Slowly though, my tightly crossed arms, loosened their grip.

Just maybe…Hope?

I am learning to live life—on life’s terms…”For your ways are not my ways” (Isaiah 55:8)

Truth is I do have one more “high” or “drunk” in me, I just don’t know if I have one more “period of sobriety” in my path. You see even though I am sober, my disease will continue to get worse. If I chose to get high, it will be worse on my body, it won’t be like starting over. I will die.

But for the grace of God I am sober, I am clean, I am living…

Today— I color the sky with my mark.

Beautifully Awkward

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Identity Bestowed

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 18, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Identity bestowed…

Who am I?

Walking throughout my life, running at times, hiding mostly from the arrows of pain, I do not know who I am—yet.

I sometimes think I should wear a shirt that says, “Under Construction.” (phil 1:6)

From stories told, I came into this world fighting. I have always been very strong-willed to my detriment. But little by little my fight has been chiseled away.  All my life, I let my identity be defined by others. What difference do I make in someone else’s life? …And when that goes awry, my false self rears her ugly little head.

I have worked to prove myself worthy. Did they notice me? No wonder I was so tired—all the time. When I was young, I was a major tomboy(ok, still am). But to prove my versatility, I tried out for cheerleading. It should have come as no surprise I was not chosen for the team. I couldn’t have kicked a bug six inches in front of me. When the call came, I cried. I had been rejected. I took it very personal. My identity was shaken.

On another occasion, it was Thanksgiving. We had family over and the kitchen was destroyed. I was young, maybe ten years-old. I decided to surprise my mom by cleaning up the kitchen. When she got home from wherever, she looked at the kitchen and just turned around and walked out. I was crushed. At that moment, I remember thinking, “I screwed up again.” She will never love me.

One more poisonous arrow to my heart. One more wall built constructed around it as I vowed secretly to not let anyone in–ever.

The truth is—we all want to be accepted, loved and feel as we have a purpose in someone’s life. That is a major piece of our identity, is it not?

My addiction was a temporary fix. But even the pain of the drug use became greater than the pain of life.

Through these storms that I have weathered, they have eroded the ugly walls of my spirit in which I had built and still build.

I have come to believe this is God’s plan. He works to find the sweet undulating center of my soul where He awaits…

He is my identity bestowed as a gift

Beautifully Awkward

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I Can Fly

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 15, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Broken, shattered and battered no more—it’s a choice.

I can fly…I take one small leap and I am flying above the clouds as free as the spirits surrounding me. I reach up and grab a piece of a white fluffy cloud.  I hold the cloud to my chest, it is a sacred moment. Spinning and twirling around in flight, I see my past, present and a glimpse of the future.

“I am free. “

I soar to a quiet spot and rest. There I hear the angel wings flap. They hear me pray. I hear them sing. I am at the foot of the Almighty. I cry a river of sorrow as He holds His hands out and catches my every tear. His tender touch lifts my face and smiles. No words needed. I feel His love.

“I’m not afraid.”

“The journey I have walked, You have walked too, You have been there. I see it in Your eyes—something I have sought all my life—understanding, hope, love sweet love so compassionate, so gentle and so warm. You know and understand what I am trying to say without me saying a word.”

“I want to go with You Father.”

Finally God Almighty speaks, “I am yours love.”

I can fly now–but only in the Hands of God.

Beautifully Awkward

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