Archive for Job

Save Me From Myself

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 19, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

When I was a little girl, there were monsters that camped out in my bedroom. Within a short time, I had my youngest sister convinced of a devastating fate. This happened every night for a period of time. My precious dad set up a vigil in our room saving us from the monsters until we were asleep. Morning would come and the monsters were gone.

Years later, I was once again faced with the monsters of the world. With my heart-broken and shattered, my dad came to my rescue picking up every broken piece. My dad taught me the dance-of-life and chased away the monsters.

The road of happenstance had left me with a battlefield in my mind–a civil war. Monsters wreaked havoc in their words of unworthiness.

My dad has long since gone Home. He can no longer save me from myself and the world I have created. But he left me with his Father for I now face this dance with my Heavenly Father.  (Job 21:11)

Although I have tried to give up a time or two, the road always leads back to You.

And the war rages on, holding on or letting go… Father save me from myself.

Beautifully Awkward

It Just “Simply Is”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on August 9, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

(Job 14:7) “At least there is hope for a tree: If it is cut down, it will sprout again, and its new shoots will not fail.”

So many days I have spent running, hiding, masking, disguising, chasing shadows of the past, trying to capture a ghost of something that did not exist —all for the pursuit of fulfilling my desires, wishes, dreams and peace…instead of  looking for the True Hope.

Which I later found—through a deep longing and passionate yearning, just “Simply is.”

Beautifully Awkward

Valet Parking

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 1, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

(Job 10:15 “…, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction.”)

“Shame is a strong sense of being uniquely and hopelessly different and less than other human beings. “ (Released from Shame- S Wilson)

Shame partakes of my nightmares where I wake up, but only to realize it was no dream. I am standing naked before a crowd while others laugh at me. And dreams tend to distinguish the nucleus of our weaknesses’ therefore, being unrelenting night after night. I will wake up the next day and the shame does not escape me. Dreams can be so intense they leave their lingering effects for several days.

For me, I was driving a car and the steering wheel would fall off. I would lose control of my car. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. My life was so out of control. Just the like the dreams when I am falling off a cliff and never hit ground, in this dream I never crashed. But I think it was a warning. It wouldn’t be long. And the thought of crashing made me nervous.

Every day I woke up from one of these dreams, I would be driven that much further into disgrace …rattled because I knew exactly why and what I was hiding from and why my life was out of control.

My secrets made me ashamed of myself and who I was.  It was a painful place to be stuck. Thicker than quicksand—I had become my own victim. My drugs were my rescue. But it was ok; after all, the doctor said I needed them. How many times did I tell myself that?!

And the dance continued on. I swayed to the music of codependency, perfection and hatred– deep hatred, mostly for myself.  There was always someone prettier than me, smarter than me, skinner than me and more spiritual than me. God could not love or use me like this. I was worthless. (Psalm 44:15)

My codependent behavior was so powerful that it began to seep into every area of my life and relationships. I saw the effects of my life exude through the creases of the relationships that were unraveling. Codependency is a vicious disease in itself. Tack on addiction and we now had a concoction of a fatal mixture.

And so time came and went, another promise made and broken. I finally resigned to praying at all. I knew I would end up breaking my promise–again. I promised that this would be the day, “No more drugs.” But the evening came, I would succumb. Towards the end, I didn’t even bother to pray, nor did I feel the shame. I had given up. I had blocked out every emotion. I was numb. Numb not only to the pain of life but also the joy.

I was dead… absolutely dead.

Years and years of living as a prisoner, horrific bondage, tied to the lies that Satan told me… and the sad thing is– I believed him.

Finally, my keys were handed over — I could no longer drive my car–my life. I was done.

He did what I couldn’t.

So now, my car is parked…and I’m good with this…

The Daughter of the King...