Archive for 1 Kings

He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 28, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

The woman said to Him, “Sir, You have nothing to draw [water] with, and the well is deep.”  JOHN 4:11

I have thought God to be off His rocker before, not being able to live up to my expectations? I still question Gods ultimate plan in my life, has he forgotten me? Why Lord have you forsaken me?

Will I ever get clean? Especially, after ten years of fighting alcohol and drugs plus my eight years sobriety? And even now I still struggle to live what Seems like a once vibrant women. A women filled with life, joy, and enthusiasm.

What do I do when Satan whispers, “you have nothing left?” “You have no bucket”? What happens when I reach my bottom again and again? What does my bottom look like? Despair? Very much so.

My friend in Alcoholics Anonymous says to be careful as even our bottoms have a trap door! Hell is a vacation compared to a bottom as an alcoholic and taking drugs. I’ve been through the DT’s. I can only imagine it has to be worse than Hell. I wanted to die or for sure thought I would. Where are you, Lord? Papa, do you still love me?

“Yes”, I hear in a whisper! (1 kings:12)

He loves me, He loves me not, He loves me…(John 3:16 For God so loved…)

My well runs deep but I have no bucket to draw with. I am the Woman at the well, caught up in village of gossip, given a second, third, fourth… chances.

I am the woman at the well…

He loves me…

Connie

Max Lucado in book God Came Near says, “Silently the Divine Surgeon reaches into his kit and pulled out the needle of faith and a thread of hope. In the shade of Jacob’s well He stitched her wounded soul back together. ‘There will come a day… ‘ He whispered. “

Leave a comment »

Palm print of Jesus Christ

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 7, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

 

I just started a new Bible study today With Tanya with an “A”. Hmm I don’t even know the name of the study come to think of it but we talked a lot today about surrender, true surrender. So here ya go.
Years ago I used to pray the prayer of Jabez. “Lord increase my territory…”, I remember that part of the prayer and I remember the impact. I also fasted for two weeks. I’m the most skeptical person out there but if you  (Me)have the faith of a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20) whoa, let it be.

Not long after this, my spiritual life begin to change. And I thought wow this is my spiritual awakening! Little did I know! It wasn’t. Oh I went through Hell. As a matter of fact, I lived in hell. I must of had a lot of pride.

1 Kings 19:11-12 The Message (MSG)

11-12 Then he was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”

A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.

My life did not turn out the way I thought. When I asked to increase my territory I think I just must of had to live in the 40 years of desert. The desert is pretty big territory. Not funny.

I should have seen this coming but I thought I was invincible. Three grandparents and both parents are/were alcoholics and drug addicts. So it should be no surprise that I went into recovery for drugs and alcohol 2010, I would be so broken. I just prayed “God if you only…” you’ll have to read at beginning of Her Broken Wing  to find out all that.  I was an angry bitter person. I’m

I did not hear God in my hurricane.  I was finally in treatment.

His earthquake happened. I did not hear Him, Halfway through my. Outpatient treatment something devastating occurred causing me to become very sick. My eating disorder that had been dormant for so long surfaced. Oh but I said this was about addiction. Yes I did. I had been stripped of pride, of everything. I was suffering from PTSD. Having nightmares every night and hyper vigilant. And I was buried in shame and quilt.

God’s fire. I finally hit would I would call or what we in AA a “bottom”. I ended up in ICU for 4 days after trying to end my life for His reasons which I do not know or understand.I’m here.

Quiet whisper happened when I was sitting broken alone with God.  Wondering “who am I that I would question God’s handiwork”? His Son sent to die for all that stuff I was living and I was not terminally unique like I thought I was!

1) I sponsor other women in alcohol and drug recovery.

2) I also started a National Rome’s one and only outpatient  Eating Disorder Anonymous meeting.

3) I teach bible study at my church and I’m open about my journey

4) I am still broken

thank you for allowing me to share. Please use this for good and keep it sacred.

http//herbrokenwing.wordpress.com

Leave a comment »

My Grace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 8, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Somewhere in the middle of whom I was and who I am, the play ground of my mind resonates with reckless abandon. Leaving me between my common sense and intellect.  Like the teetering of a child’s seesaw, I waiver on my position in God’s world.

Who am I? Who does God want me to be? More so, what have I become? And I ponder the thought. Is my faith in the shallow end or have I been immersed into the deep? Do I listen to the roar of His call or to His still small voice? (1 Kings 19:11-13)

Some days I am content and some days I want more. And in those days, I reach up and grab a hold.

Truth is… I don’t regret where I’ve been for it has led me to the road I’m on today. A road less traveled—some would say. For sure, some would not have. But it is the thorn to bear and it is mine. And I will know that no matter how tough things get, I will hear the Father‘s voice…..

 So for who I may become, I give praise…and if I forget to say thank you…Your grace astounds me.

That you may find me in my chosen place; and I may hear the Father say, “My Grace.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

And Freedom Rings

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 20, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Defective relations along the way have been many a cause of my woes….Not just the relationship with family and friends but God.  The further into my addiction I fell, the more difficult it was to hear the calls of my Heavenly Father…

Willingness to submit to God’s will was an awkward thing for me. In the beginning it was a conscious and painstaking effort. Then my awareness of this stirring became more of a discomfort and unease.  I was self-righteously right on all accounts in every relationship. This only caused more strife in my life.

Once I came to a point of complete brokenness, I had nothing left to interfere with the voice of God. Through my powerlessness, I came to believe a power greater than myself and I could hear that still small voice reaching out to me. (1 Kings 19:11-13) A tremendous love beckoned me. (1 Jn 4:10)

I had been my own worst enemy.

A few pills won’t hurt anyone….But it did.

For a moment in my brief life, I have resolved there is still time… time to clear the wreckage. I sift through the pains of yesterday. I pick up the pieces of scattered sorrows, some I leave.

Discomfort and unrest have now caused me to take action…my unmanageable life is now lived through the love of God…

There is a choice now for I am free.

And Freedom Rings….

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

The Whisper of Stillness

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 26, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I am discombobulated. But my world is just fine. I have no real reason for this feeling. My insides are in turmoil. I am trying to pray for peace but even that is hard to do now. So, I have to tell You God, “I’m not doing too well on this spiritual flight…”

Chaos–the life of an addict.

I guess I keep waiting for something supernatural or some terrific explosion to happen as I go frolicking through the meadows of continual bustle and everlasting hopelessness. Commotion and lots of it… that is what I am used to. It seems disarray is when and where God usually turns up in my life—or so it seems. His presence is always needed for me to finally settle and to feel an inner peace.

I am reminded of this scripture,” 11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by. “ Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” (1 King 19:11-12)

God was in the gentle whisper…

I go back into another time in my life when my pitiful existence was crumbling like a stale cookie. I was walking through the exhibit at a meeting I was attending. A lady walked up to me and handed me a little statue of a child. On the bottom of the child was the scripture, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) When I looked up to thank the lady, she was gone. How did she know?

Now, I try to remember that when life gets crazy and when I am discombobulated to “Be still…” and listen for “….the gentle whisper…” of God’s sweet voice.

For that is when I will find my Heavenly Father ready to untangle the mess I have created.

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »