Archive for Matthew

All The Kings Men

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 25, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

I sometimes think whoever wrote children’s poem suffered  from major depressive disorder. If not, then I can totally relate to this poem anyway. As a matter of fact, I can associate with a lot of the childhood characters I grew up with.

There is Eeyore, OMG, he was sad all over–and was probably clinically depressed. I felt suicidal just watching poor Eeyore. Seriously, something bad must have happened to Eeyore as a child like he ran off a cliff with a bus full of kids or something.

And then there was Charlie Brown. He was dealt with a heavy dose of real life. Charlie Brown demonstrated the struggle, pain and downright misery of childhood. He never received a Valentine’s card. His dog could not remember his name. He was always picked last for the team. Basically, Charlie Brown is a loser.

And last, there was Olive Oil, Popeye’s girlfriend. she had one of cartoon’s first eating disorders. She was an anorexic. She never even ate Popeye’s spinach (unless forced to when she was completely unconscious due to some villain–like many of us with eating disorders will do)

It is no wonder that so many of us are screwed up. Look at the cartoon characters we grew up with. Adults that were most likely crazy (OK clinically diagnosed) wrote the scripts. And thus predisposed us to what would inevitably become our future. No, I’m not saying the cartoons caused this…just saying that our world in which we lived in…

“All the kings horses…” The Doctors, Psychiatrist, Therapist could not put us back together. We became society’s misfits–living in hell within our soul–tormented constantly.

Gloom and doom. Our vision skewed by our depression glossed glasses.

For even on Eeyore’s happiest day (Birthday) he could not muster up a happy sentiment. For maybe, I am not much different. I always wait for the shoe to drop and if it does not, I will perhaps throw the shoe myself.

If it isn’t enough to worry…I worry about tomorrow when today hasn’t even passed. Old Mother Hubbard was so poor her cupboards were bare. What will I do if tomorrow doesn’t provide? Yes, I worry.

And then there is us alcoholics. Homer Simpson. “Beer” the cause of and solution to life’s problems.” He kids that beer is for daddies and kids with fake IDs.  My husband says the difference between alcoholics and drunks…one goes to meetings. I go to meetings. I am an alcoholic, recovering drug addict.

The Lord says, Worry not. Matthew 6:26 “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

I try to believe… to trust… I even pray about it… Mark 9:24 “…I do believe; but please help my unbelief.”

Today, I stumble, I fall and I wait. For the King—Jesus to put me together again.

me

Twisted Fate

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 5, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Matthew 18:21-22 (“then Peter came to him , and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive them? Til seven times?

Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times; but, until seventy times seven.”)

Forgiveness is a funny thing. When I say I’m sorry, I just assume I’ll get one in return. Isn’t that how it works? I say I’m sorry and you say you are sorry back. So when you don’t reciprocate it leaves me feeling worthless, guilty,  unimportant and useless and sometimes just angry. But, the Bible does not say anything about us getting an apology in return.

What da I do? As my sponsor says, “have you prayed”? Sigh, why do I always forget to pray during hard times? Remember the prayer, “Help”? (Anne Lamott) That’s all, just help! How simple is that?

In my program that I’ve been so lucky to be a part of (12 step program) God grant me The serenity… so where is that peace? Do we find it through our search with God? ? A reminder is it’s my forgiveness not theirs. I’m not responsible for others.  It is freeing to let those we have hurt go. It’s not a one time deal. I sometimes have to do this over and over. Anger,  rebellion and retaliation is what l was feeling.

I remember a time when I made an amends to someone I had really hurt. I expected her to forgive me and to go back to where we had been before the situation happened. I said I was sorry.. She said “I made my amends long time ago but her words spewed like razor blades shooting from her mouth.” I was not sure what to say next.  Later, I had seen her out, she did not give me the time of day.

I am to clean my side of the street not hers. I have done that. I was sincere. I still felt the twinge of pain. What Twisted Fate. I hurt her, she hurt me.

But now in my peace, I can say “Wow”! “Thanks”

living the Supernatural

Connie

The Saint Fallen into Grace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on January 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”(Matthew 7:5)

Did you hear about…? Or so and so…. Or I hear that another Pastor lost his…  Did you hear about Connie?

I cringe.

We are becoming desensitized. Or is it we are thankful that it is someone other than ourselves? But what about when it is us.

Oh, not because we are innocent although we might some times forget what our own “fleshy desires” might be.

When I fell, I fell hard. my flesh took its toll. I took a path of a non-fruit bearing life and yes, with Jesus by my side (See, Jesus never leaves us). I lived in the lie for many years which led me into a life of self-loathing. Eventually, I tried to take my own life. But God was not ready for me. I am alive but not without much pain. And there are always consequences of my choices. There will always be physical, physiological and emotional scars to me and my family.

I learned that another friend that I have always looked up to is not perfect. Imagine that?! Do you think the song, “Don’t look at me, look at Him” brings tremendous merit here?

I am always on my husband about his own flaws or one in particular. In hit me and hit me hard this week that it is not my place to worry about that any longer. Matt 7:5 slapped me so hard, I truly felt dizzy. For my husband has his own journey with Jesus and who am I to interfere? I thought what about my own weaknesses, my own problems that keep me apart from perfection?

Oh, flawless? That is right, we are not the perfection that God speaks of when He thought of Someone as the perfect Lamb that gave His life! Otherwise, what did we need Jesus for! And as in Galatians 2:21, God reminds us that Christ did not die in vain.

But I still wonder, so many people, Godly people are falling into the fleshly desires. Despair. Pain. Disease. Disappointment.
I have my own weaknesses that keep me on my knees, weak and praying. It keeps me forever giving grace to my friends and family as I am aware of my own limitations. The plank in my eyes help blind me to the pride I think I carry and helps me to reflect on an inner love that can only come from God. Spiritual blindness! Not an accident but part of God’s plan.

It is almost as if to say, in some daily reminder, we are nothing apart from HIM.

Daily we fall into grace. Daily we are reminded that we cannot live without HIM.

And as the battles rages… and it will–Satan wants us to give up… He wants us to give in and feel helpless, crying out, “Why bother, dear brother!”

On the other side, God is standing in, not surprised, not anxious but calmly waiting… He already knows where this is going….

You and me, all of US–Into the arms of our precious Savior…

As we–Fall into Grace, His Grace…

And when we stand before our Lord, we will know… we will worship… we will praise… HIM
He will only see us through the love of His Son and the forgiveness of the CROSS.

Amen

Connie

 

The Disease of Addiction

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 13, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

The news of Whitney Houston’s death comes on the shirttail of another death in our town of a young mother fighting the disease of addiction. It is sad and it is a reminder of how powerful this illness is.

Facebook, Twitter and the news have filled the pages with all sorts of comments from the public. Many are not so nice. Whether you believe addiction is a disease or a self-inflicted overindulgence, the outcome is the same. Life is not sustainable without help.

My question is if the Diabetic as such is told they can come off medicines if they lose weight but chose not to, consequently they suffer a debilitating illness, and does this make them less of a person? Heart disease is mostly preventable in a society where obesity and / or high cholesterol is an epidemic yet heart disease continues to be the number one killer.

We take the disease of addiction, choice or not and society looks at it as a moral defect. Tell me the difference between this and the diabetic secondary to obesity?

Whitney Houston hung onto a man that continued to use and abuse drugs which enabled her to as well. Do we not do that in households that continue to keep junk food in their pantries after grandpa suffers a heart attack?

I will need treatment the remainder of my days. My disease is in remission just for today. But I must feed on God’s word and exercise my faith.

It does anger me that people judge without knowing all the facts. I am a good person. I am a professional. I am a Christian wife, mom and child. I live with this disease that I did not choose. I pray daily for freedom from its stronghold.  So no, I don’t wish to be intoxicated no more than the obese person wishes to be a diabetic.

Maybe we should extend a hand instead of an opinion.

And Judge not. (Matt 7:1-2)

Beautifully Awkward

Master-Slave –A Heart of One

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 8, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

To be a Master or the Slave — each has their own attributes. The Master has great responsibility, yet the slave too can live an enriched life given the right circumstance, in the right moment to the certain person.

The Master assumes ultimate responsibility for the well-being of one’s self or another. They are the final decision maker unless they choose to delegate to the Slave.

The Slave makes a choice to live in voluntary servitude. This is a choice.

What if I choose to live in one area over another too long? Is there not a balance? Sometimes Master – sometimes Slave?

Am I in denial or defensive and stuck in a dysfunction emotional rut?

Am I the Master of my situation until it becomes uncomfortable and then retreat into Slave mode? A nagging fear triggers a consensual relationship between the two causing me to live in a fantasy world, lacking reality. Thus, as the Master I don’t feel in control of the situation, yet as the Slave I don’t feel empowered. The outcome is—frustration and ambiguity.

There must be a guided trust between the two. Mastering control and surrendering ego at a given time. It is vital to maintaining a relationship apart from addictions, co-dependencies and other self-bondage weaknesses… For I can become a Slave to those things that have mastered me. (2 Peter 2:19)

Regardless, the role of the Master and the Slave carry the heart of each other. Without internal motivation and self-examination, I can never understand the needs or desires of myself or others… That my work be done according to the Master’s plan. (Matthew 25:21)

A heart of One….

Beautifully Awkward

The Cinderella Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 23, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I happen to be scanning through some words written on a post today when I suddenly stopped. Something set wrong with me, very wrong. I could hear in the echo’s the utterance this person said to me months earlier; “The world is going to judge you and treat you harsh.” And now the “harsh” was staring me in the face. I guess I chose to believe in the Cinderella Story where the poor girl marries the Prince and lives happily ever after. I believed the world would not judge a recovering drug addict (recovering be the key word, right?) a less than worthy person as unacceptable to be associated with. But today, my eyes see the world as it is and not through rose-stained glasses. For the very person that said the world would judge me, is the very one that indeed was judging me from society’s point of view.

My heart is broken once again. But like he said, “The world is harsh.”

Initially, my emotions rolled between anger and hurt– The kind of hurt where tears welled up in the back of my throat. The pain was so intense my heart literally ached.  I wanted to cry out hurtful words.

But I prayed, instead.

“I prayed for God to touch me and to touch you. God showed me that you probably didn’t realize the sorrow you caused.”

How many times had I caused someone pain and not realized it. (Matthew 7:3-5)

I am reminded of who I am… who you are… and who He is…

I am thankful… (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Maybe I do have a Cinderella Life after all… (John 10:10)

Beautifully Awkward

From Ashes To Beauty

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 14, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

“…He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,…
   to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes, the oil of joy
   instead of mourning, and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair…” Isaiah 61


The Phoenix story is told that it has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.

While I might not have that long to live, in likeness, my short life I must die to live. (Matt 26:25)

So out of my rubble, I become something more beautiful than I was before. Free of the bondage that brought me to despair– That I too may be bestowed a crown of beauty.

From the ashes I arose to a garment of praise…

Beautifully Awkward