Archive for Addiction

Sins Of The Mother

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on April 20, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Our son graduates from college in two weeks. He will be a Registered  Nurse. (Well, actually after he passes boards.) I,too, am a Registered Nurse.

Unfortunately, I left nursing on less than admirable terms some years ago. I did go back to nursing briefly and it did nurture my soul. But because of  drugs…Eating disorders…and Rehab…as the memories  still haunt me, I fear for my son’s future.

When people find out his career choice, they say “following in your mom’s footsteps?” I cringe. I want to stand on a mountain top and yell out one of Madea’s favorite saying, “Hell. To. The. No’”

Somewhere at the end of my hospital career, I could feel my dignity leave my body, as if a spiritual experience was happening. My reputation had become tarnished. I know I had been a good nurse. I was kind, strong, smart… but…drugs had taken over my wretched body and mind. My weaknesses manifested itself and I was humbled by my insufficiency.

Talk is cheap in our town  everyone knows everything. “Did you hear…?” I would like to have a Mulligan (golf term for a do over.) in life. What would I do different, especially knowing how much I’ve hurt my children?

Why should our son suffer because of my indiscretions. My downfall came at both main hospitals so my biggest fear was that it would tarnish his chances for a future here in our town. I prayed not. He is smart, book smart, street smart and an uncanny wit. (This is what I am told). And he is beautiful. (That I know).

Last week, I found out both hospitals are trying to get him to come and work for them in ICU. Proud momma. So, he is choosing the one that he made an original commitment with. He felt an obligation. He is doing the right thing.  Regardless, this is his journey, his own walk where he has to succeed or fall, he’s on his own, he will skin his knees and get back up. His heavenly Father will always there to pick him up.

Remember, son you is kind, you is smart, you is important! You can do anything. (The movie Help)

living the supernatural

Connie

Seeking God in the extraordinary only to find Him in the ordinary

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 19, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Seeking God in the extraordinary only to find Him in the ordinary. I guess what I mean is God doesn’t have to walk on water in my life, but He just might.

God is in the messiness of my life (and there is plenty of that)! He is in the mundane parts of my life too, like washing dishes, finding the lost sock from the dryer, spaghetti on Thursdays, dusting on Monday’s, and so on!

I’m in a Bible Study now. Sifting God out the mundane and the extraordinary! Or so I think.

In my study, I shared (the unthinkable), yes, I was a drug addict. I was a broken women. I should wear a BIG scarlet letter. Who would want me? Who would…?

After the Bible Study was over, we (they) all broke away to a group or someone to talk with. I stood there a lone. I began feeling awkward like maybe I had shared too much. Then I vowed to never talk again in a group (Like that will happen). Then not very long after that an elderly lady came up to me and thanked me for sharing what I did. “There are many of us needing to hear what you said.  You are saving lives.  you’ve made people uncomfortable because they have their own issues.”

I reveled in the moment.  The moment that God had sent someone to confirm my sharing was not futile. It was a confirmation that God heard me but, sadly, I quickly moved on to something else, some other life happenings soon after. Why didn’t I embrace that moment? Sift the nuggets from the grunge. For that is where I find God , The extraordinary in the ordinary. But I get too busy and forget to embrace the moment.

In AA, I talk about a spiritual awakening as I work through the 12 steps and find or connect with my higher power.I, also, talk about being rigorously honest for the program to really work and to experience a spiritual rebirth.

In the beginning of my sobriety, I was still rebellious, angry and dishonest. So no wonder Jesus didn’t walk down from the clouds! My spiritual waking was very slow in transforming, not because of God, but because of my stubborn nature. I was a prodigal child of God.  (Luke 15:17-20)

I finally returned home to Him, but not until then did I fully embrace the reunion and not until a few moments of conviction happened.  Assurance  of honesty, forgiveness and repentance through the AA 12 step program. But, there is no finish line on this race. And I must continually condition myself through the program. Because as they (AA) say, the drugs are doing push ups in the parking lot waiting on me.

Anytime I call my sponsor (from AA) with a problem she says, “have you prayed”? Urrrrrhhhhh, I should’ve known by now she’s going to say that but I don’t pray. Sometimes, I don’t even know what to pray for or how to pray. Sometimes, I just want the answers to the problem, like in college getting the answers to a test. So then, I remember a book by Anne Lamott on prayer. Help, Thanks, Wow. When I don’t know how or what to pray for, I just pray “help”. Then step back and watch God, be God! Then I say “thanks, wow”. Pretty cool.

I pray, oh do I pray. And In silence, with people, from songs, worship, and words, I find intimate moments with my Abba. He always gives me the answers if I stand still. (Psalm 46:10)

There in the extraordinary is God in the ordinary.

living the supernatural

Connie

 

 

 

A Spiritual Hissy Fit

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 15, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

 

”Peter began to say to Him, ‘See, we have left all and followed you!’ (Mark 10:28)

My dad told me when I was a little girl and,well….until he passed away he said  I always had to have the last word. I would always respond, “I do not”. So there you go, point taken.

One of the things God has been working on in my life is surrendering “surrendering my right to the last word but also the right to a voice”. I didn’t have a voice growing up. As an adult, it was no different. I hate being interrupted or cut off or disregarded. It says I’m not important. I have felt that I demand having a voice even when it’s abrasive or causes conflict. **Sigh**

But  who’s voice is it really?

i remember Mel Gibson’s movie Passion of the Christ. I am thankful for the image the movie as it gave me an image  of the eyes of Jesus as He went to the cross, totally surrendered. He chose to have  no voice. He did not say, “But I’m the Son of God get me down from here”. He could have, ya know? No, He laid down His life quietly.

The years have been hard for me sober and not. Some think because I am clean from drugs now I have it made . No, I don’t. My life; sober; has been very hard, actually harder. I work every day at sobriety.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful. I surrender daily to God.

Many people look at my addiction like it might be contagious or a moral defect. Either one makes me feel inadequate. But why should I be better than Jesus. They spit on him and called him names worse than me. At least, the words said to  me were superficial; the words spat at Jesus were deep, to the core of unbelief as He lied dying for those cursing Him.

When it got out that Gibson had a “drug issue”, people thought surely he wasn’t a “true” Son of God. That freaks me out. Oh, excuse me Ms. Perfection, Mr. Perfect Christian ; why Jesus could have stayed in heaven. (Gal 2:21)

When i feel rejected, I’ve been known to have a spiritual (and unspiritual) HISSY FIT like it will change things. When I am done with my fit and I am physically spent, God reminds us of His fervent love.

This morning started the Lenten season. Today I started face down furiously in  prayer with my Abba. I have found peace for today. Quiet peace.

i have found love. (1 John 4:8)

I am totally surrendered just for today..

Connie

 

Palm print of Jesus Christ

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 7, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

 

I just started a new Bible study today With Tanya with an “A”. Hmm I don’t even know the name of the study come to think of it but we talked a lot today about surrender, true surrender. So here ya go.
Years ago I used to pray the prayer of Jabez. “Lord increase my territory…”, I remember that part of the prayer and I remember the impact. I also fasted for two weeks. I’m the most skeptical person out there but if you  (Me)have the faith of a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20) whoa, let it be.

Not long after this, my spiritual life begin to change. And I thought wow this is my spiritual awakening! Little did I know! It wasn’t. Oh I went through Hell. As a matter of fact, I lived in hell. I must of had a lot of pride.

1 Kings 19:11-12 The Message (MSG)

11-12 Then he was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”

A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.

My life did not turn out the way I thought. When I asked to increase my territory I think I just must of had to live in the 40 years of desert. The desert is pretty big territory. Not funny.

I should have seen this coming but I thought I was invincible. Three grandparents and both parents are/were alcoholics and drug addicts. So it should be no surprise that I went into recovery for drugs and alcohol 2010, I would be so broken. I just prayed “God if you only…” you’ll have to read at beginning of Her Broken Wing  to find out all that.  I was an angry bitter person. I’m

I did not hear God in my hurricane.  I was finally in treatment.

His earthquake happened. I did not hear Him, Halfway through my. Outpatient treatment something devastating occurred causing me to become very sick. My eating disorder that had been dormant for so long surfaced. Oh but I said this was about addiction. Yes I did. I had been stripped of pride, of everything. I was suffering from PTSD. Having nightmares every night and hyper vigilant. And I was buried in shame and quilt.

God’s fire. I finally hit would I would call or what we in AA a “bottom”. I ended up in ICU for 4 days after trying to end my life for His reasons which I do not know or understand.I’m here.

Quiet whisper happened when I was sitting broken alone with God.  Wondering “who am I that I would question God’s handiwork”? His Son sent to die for all that stuff I was living and I was not terminally unique like I thought I was!

1) I sponsor other women in alcohol and drug recovery.

2) I also started a National Rome’s one and only outpatient  Eating Disorder Anonymous meeting.

3) I teach bible study at my church and I’m open about my journey

4) I am still broken

thank you for allowing me to share. Please use this for good and keep it sacred.

http//herbrokenwing.wordpress.com

Survival Of The Not-so Fittest

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 27, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

So… the Earth didn’t open up and swallow me during my 5th step, like I imagined it would for so long. I put this step off for two years. I procrastinated to the point it was beyond ridiculous. I mean who wants to air their dirty laundry to God (as if He didn’t already know) and another person –not me.

I kept thinking I was “terminally unique”. I thought that no one had experienced the life I had. I had to be the worst person in the world. How special of me. Really, how self-righteous I had become. Self-centered. Self.

Two years (really longer) clean and in my program and I was still two-steppin it.. Which means I was hanging out on the concept my life was unmanageable but didn’t want to move forward into the other 10 steps…I was in my comfort zone and no one expected anything of me here.  I think there was a reason they called it a 12 step program.

I even thought if I stay in the first few steps, no one would expect me to sponsor them. No expectations. When the program clearly states, to help me stay sober I must help another addict / alcoholic. Hmm!

But it was like a cocoon in her shell too long, she would wither and die or must break out and fly. And the time came, I had to do something. There was a tremendous unrest within my soul. Thus, my 4th step was born. After the 5th step of sharing, came her afterbirth.

It wasn’t bad. As a matter of fact, it was cathartic. I felt like I had been cleansed in the fountain of youth. Freed from bondage.

I had endured once again.

I am a survivor.

Love,

Connie

A Better Version Of Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 26, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I believe in the small talk, in 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances, forgiving those in my past and missing the cracks in the pavement (or “you break your mother’s back,” I sang as a kid). I strive for obedience when it does not make sense — denoting a sense of submission.

And when the world of good and evil collide, I might smile that crooked smile revealing my fragile life. I realize how easily my broken and shattered place of being has come to. I sense the vulnerably delicate existence of my heart.

I daydream of a better time, where my soul whispers truth and dedication of Someone’s love. Be still my beating heart and listen. (Psalm 46:10) Once again, conformity and submission take their place in my life calling out my name. I hear her. But I don’t always answer. Shame. Guilt. Even so, my mind takes a stand. But God…you gave me this desire, did you not? And the raging internal war goes on. Why can’t I be more like Jesus? Why can’t I overcome each time? Satan makes out a new buffet of sin every day.

I can choose to order off the menu or the buffet. Some days the buffet looks inviting. Satan is smart and cunning. He is powerful. (Sounds like the disease of addiction)

I bite.

Then there is the long conviction of worthlessness that builds her walls around my heart.  The very thing I desire, I fight back against. Does my world of panic-stricken emotions and uncertainty mask this lonely spirit? Or tear down the very walls built to coddle my wounds.

Easy to forgive others. Not so easy to forgive myself.

But…

For God went right for the jugular when He sent His own Son.” (Romans 8:3, the message) so the least I can do is work on the whole forgiveness thing…

And I pray for a better version of me.

Love,

Connie

The Angel Tears

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 14, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

We are all recovering from something whether it is abuse of food, booze or just being a jerk. The difference in all of us is we are either “recovering” or active in our addiction? One thing for sure, we are all the same and all in this together.

So Dear Hope,

I have been in your shoes not too long ago. I woke up swearing I would never do this again and meant it. I have cried, screamed and begged to die with the realization that my life as I once knew it, was over. I have slid out of bed and ran to the bathroom to throw up one more time, crawled into the shower and hung my head low as shame wreaked through my mind, body and soul.

Sick from withdrawing, panicked from wondering where my next fix would come and confused about how I came to this place, I knew I was at my rock bottom. Praise God, there was nowhere to go but up. The Angel tears were dipped in happiness as they danced and as I was offered the gift of my addiction. Yes, as sick as it sounded, my addiction was a gift. And I have found myself dissecting my soul trying to figure this one out. What the heck?

 

When I first got sober, it was like my arm waking up from being asleep. It was painful and strange. The pins and needles are like sadness over things lost, fear of the unknown and anger over the disease. After being numb for so long, I started to feel all my emotions at one time and it exploded like a nuclear plant. There is really nothing I could do but go through the pain until the feeling came back.

 

What matters most of all though… is that I got sober. I owe no explanation to the world. For being sober is enough, I am enough. God says so.

So today, I get up, put on make up, go to work, go to a meeting with other addicts and share our experience, strength and hope and I pray. I pray. I pray.

I am a recovering addict and I am proud of this badge I wear.

Beautifully Awkward