Archive for Serenity

It’S A NEW DAY

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2020 by Her Broken Wing

I can’t believe it’s been 10 long years since I earned (and I mean earned) my sobriety. When I first started AA, I sat in the back of the room, I was angry. I was in denial. I was also forced to be there by the Nursing Board.

Before, I remember lying in the bathroom floor begging God to take this addiction from me. I remember thinking that if I could just get sober, life would be perfect (But be Gentle)! I sat in the back of the AA, when I heard one of the old timers say that days ahead would be some of the hardest days. Little did I know how right he was.

I had to learn how to find emotions I never had. I also heard,” you think you’ve hit bottom, watch out, those bottoms have trap doors.” At the time I did not know what they meant. I do now.

How did this happen? I was a hospice nurse. I was a good, dedicated and a caring nurse. I worked 40 years as a nurse until I lost my job. No going away party. My Nursing identity was my shattered. I was so devastated. I was lost. I mean as the AA group said, most either get a DUI, end up in jail or die. But I only lost a job. I didn’t do those things. But I was told, “But for the grace of God, there go I.” Yes thinking back!

Yes, true my heart and my soul had died!

Looking back like forever ago, I had migraines so I was given prescription drugs. The doctors gave them to me. After all, I thought it was ok, right!? I’d started with one pill, then two, then I don’t know how many I took. In my mind I made up headaches, pain,etc. This went on for years.

Then one day my boss called me in her office. “If you need, we can help you..”. Another day she said,”if you need help I will help you.” I was still in denial. But I decided to call my friend, he said the same, it’s time to get help.

How did I meet my friend? Working at hospice and not unusual, I attended a patient’s funeral. There was a man in front of me. He turned around and said, “Well, I guess you were her nurse ? ” He said, “I guess you are caring, compassionate,and Christian —with sarcasm? “ I got defensive. ” Yes I am!” Then he pulled out a card. The card had small flames on it. I knew it, he was a Satan worshipper.

I looked at it. It was a 12 step recovery program. I didn’t know much about that. But I did know God was sitting next to me.

I told the man after the funeral, ” hey, I have a “friend!” So I asked more. We arranged a meeting to talk about my friend. I met him at McDonald’s to get more info for my friend. We talked and then he said, ” What are you taking?” I busted out crying. I had be drinking and taking ” Prescribed meds” a long time.


Later I thought, (I was at least sober the day my dad died!) There was a long time of grief, shame and guilt. I hated myself. My dad warned me. I had let him down.

My dad died years ago before he knew how bad it was. At his funeral, I had written his eulogy —sober In honor of my dad. I was a daddy’ girl, well, so was my sister.

My sister picked out the song, “To Sir With Love.” (He had taught us so much about being a lady. Other than being a mean deep sea fishermen. He tried to get me from a (Tom-boy to a lady.) I had someone read the eulogy, I wrote Sober as I could not do read it. He deserved the words from my heart. I, however, knew I could not read it.

Not that it matters (well, yea maybe it does). I was told that, 3 of my grandparents where alcoholics ( my grandma died in the DT’s at age 53.) I’m going to respect my parents anonymity. One day, my dad told said, ” Be careful.” Ah I thought, I won’t do that. Never say never! How, did it happen? So tenuous, I’m sitting in an AA room. The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I hear my dads voice.

The day I revealed my addiction, I devastated my family. I went into out patient rehab. Reported to the Nursing Board. Lost my job. Did I mention how angry I was. Later I realized I was angry at myself.

With my tail tucked, I walked through the doors of the beginning of a life changing event. The nursing board was a 4 year program of a weekly nursing program and the rest which consisted of seeing an addictionologist, a counselor weekly, a nurses group weekly, AA 3 x week, and random drug test that I had to pay for. Oh gosh I could go on. I was incensed .

I had to get a sponsor (someone to walk me through me through the 12 steps and the program), I went to AA at least 3 times a week. (The 1st 90 days I went everyday. It’s called 90 in 90.) My sponsor said 3-things, 1.) the disease is outside doing push-ups waiting for you and 2.) secrets keep us sick ( rigorously honest). 3.) and one drink is too many and 1000 is not enough..

Resentment, was an understatement of transformation of my soul. Finding my spirit. I mean it was everyone’s fault.

Today I look back, 10 years later, this was hard work but it saved my life. It saved the convergence of my family. It taught me how to live and feel. And I’ve met some of my best friends from this group. They get me.

I know to change playgrounds and playmates. I also know I had no one to blame but me.

Want a drug, I think noT!

10 years proud….but I can’t get complacent.

I’m Connie, I’m an addict.

The Disease of Attitude

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 10, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

So I am  the child of….and an alcoholic…and a drug addict. yea, well so most days if you ask me how I’m doing I will say ” just fine” with seething sarcasm. I usually don’t realize I’m doing it.

Some (a lot of) my days I carry a chip on my shoulder. A bad attitude, victim mentality, and much of the time I think the hell out of something. So…isn’t it ironic that I would end up in Al Anon? I have two parents that are alcoholics, well were, my dad past years ago but he might as well be alive, the scars are there. So it’s no wonder I have the “disease of attitude”.

My attitude presumptively is, “I will be happy if______. I will be happy when_____.” I think this goes back to the empty promises my parents made me or silently made me or I wished they had made me. I will be happy “if” but the “when” never comes.

When I first came into the rooms of a 12 step program, I heard about a “Higher Power.” I thought,  “I have a God”. But where was He when I cried for so many nights as a child? I was a victim. Poor pitiful me. It kept my spirit occupied with bitterness towards others and myself. It kept me from getting better. I lived this victim role because it served a purpose. Not getting better would make mean I had to be  responsible, accountable and even grateful for what God has done in my life. After all, God was not a terrorist.  (Pg 35, Courage to Change). But was I ready?

I don’t have to live a victim anymore. Nor do I have to fear the world opening up and sucking me into the center core. My what ifs and when’s are here. So is my serenity.

And life well it just is…

me

In no way, do I represent Al-Anon nor is this an Al-Anon endorsed blog. The opinions given are strictly mine. Take what you like and leave the rest.

 

Daughter of the King

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 24, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Some days, I don’t know, who am I? The oceans’ waves roll in calling me such names like self-pitied , self-destructive , unworthy  , depressed, and  chasing  shadows of the night, haunting my time in seeking peace and serenity.

People (I) gawk at things, my weakness and failure like an anomaly of nature, having come up on a bad wreck, trying to see how bad it really is,  I slow down to take a look. Why do I or we do that? Why do people look and stare and whisper….about me? “Do you know she’s ….?” I look back in wonder at the wreck. The wreck of my life. We  have all been there in a sense, staring and talking. Yes, you have in your human frailties. Denying it does not mske it go away! I don’t know but maybe watching  others in pain and destruction  makes our life’s  look, well normal, tender, loved and safe and more.

I had become the victim. Poor me. I used to believe that was a good place to be. People would feel sorry for me outwardly. But that wasn’t  the case.  A friend told me  when we have the victim mentally it is ugly and not an advantageous place to be. Just think about someone we knew with  the victim mentality, how do we feel about the person?  It isn’t appealing and sometimes grates us the wrong way.

What  I did to pull out of this? Several things

1) acceptance – I am an addict. Life changed  no happy hour. It is what it is

2) Go to meetings. When I was new,  I did 90/90  meeting a day for 3 months. Then, several meetings a week.

3) find a sponsor— I cannot begin to tell you how important this is. They have pulled my ass out of many trenches before! Start with one, you can get another one when you learn personalities.

4) work the 12 steps- start #1 it’s  so important.

Step One. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.” I wear this on a bracelet my daughter gave me always reminding me to give thanks

5)  clean my side of the street. In other words, quit blaming others. Find my part in situations

I could not do any of this without God. I wouldn’t be sober if it weren’t  for Him?

At the end of the day when I put my head on my pillow in the darkness of the night, i watch the silhouette of the trees on my wall.  The trees sway to the moons commands. Serenity I am reminded and I am also reminded of who I am…the daughter of the King!! (Psalm 45:9)

Good night and love  y’all,

Connie

The Perfect Storm

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 29, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

The Perfect Storm

Standing in the cold

I find no shelter from the rain.

Hope of a lesser Kind

Love such forgotten.

The storm of redemption

Jealously takes hold of my soul.

The rain picks up her pace hard against my skin.

And the thunder rolls in close.

There is a climax of Earth’s beauty as Mother Nature cries out.

There is a Perfect Storm.

Then the denouement.

Speculation—maybe.

Summation—surely.

Peace 

 Silence

Thus, the events of my life.

For the peace of God transcends all understanding…” (Philippians 4:7)

Beautifully Awkward

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 20, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
 
 
Be Still and Know (Psalm 46:10)
I heard a song the other day… “Slow dancing in a burning room” It really spoke to my senses… Like peace and surrender…
 
 It is also like the days I have spent swaying to the sound of the world as she went about her business– Chaos just happens as I scurry around trying to make it one more day. Maybe humankind finds one morsel of Hope to hold, enough to come back tomorrow.
 
I fight to stand for something– for nothingness is worse than doing something wrong. I see the ribbons on the door of my neighbors, my family yet I pass them by each day. I complain but I do nothing about it.

My addiction…stands for the years of hiding and blaming others– yet it is my problem. And if I am the problem, I must be the solution.

In my weakness I find…I have amazing strength.

God says…. “For it is in my weakness, He is strong…” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

So today, I surrender…

Today, I slow dance in a burning room…

Beautifully Awkward

The Rocking Chair

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 21, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

My journey has been a lot like a rocking chair–a lot of motion but I haven’t gone anywhere. Or it used to be that way before my time in sobriety.

Before I had clean time (as we call it), someone compared my hitting bottom as reaching my threshold of pain. As my circumstances changed, I quickly lowered my standards. I had found incomprehensible demoralization through my helpless and hopeless life.

Today, however I look at my painful past in my pursuit of sobriety, I have to clinch my resolve to pursue my true self.

Knowing my sober life is not enough … I now have to find emotional sobriety.

There is a stirring of a Great Power within my soul– the place deep inside described as Hope. And when I accept this as the place I am to be, I can rest in the arms of my God.

I can find true peace …for

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. … I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.

In this, I find happiness.

Slowly, I rock—back and forth—content in my world.

Beautifully Awkward

The Wrinkle Effect

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 2, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

The other day I put on a white shirt and white shorts as if to represent a new purity… It had begun to rain. Slowly at first the rain trickled. I stepped outside into the rain. I looked up to the Heavens. Soon the Heavens tears embraced my body. I felt the warm drops against my skin as the drops slid gently off my flesh.

I could smell the rain. It was like that of the Morning Sea.

I stuck my tongue out and tasted the freshness of the Heavens—Light and refreshing as manna from my Abba.

And then the burdens of Heaven came bursting forth– The downpour of the Spirits as they sang in harmony– A symphony of celestial music undefined by the human ear. I swirled in the rain and danced with my Abba.

Cleansing…the waters whispered sacredness too intimate to reveal… a silver shine of the tiny drops reflected my soul. I dropped to my knees. The grass sang a song of praise to the Heavens.

Why haven’t I heard this before? For too long I had run from the pureness of the cleansing rains.

I realized then that I may have never known the raindrop on my face, my flesh, or the deepest place of my heart had I not danced in the ecstasy of that moment.

I studied a puddle of rain and watched as the droplets created a ripple effect that reached the far ends of the waters.

Such as my life – What type of wrinkle have I caused in other’s lives?

Beautifully Awkward