Archive for Family

The Sands Of Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing
“Psalm 139:17-18How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!” Were I to count them, they would out number the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

How do you kiss the wind?

Or

Embrace the warmth of the Sun?

And what is it like to hold someone you love as their life passes by like the sand sifting through the fingers of a small child lost in play for hours at the beach.

Even if we tried to hold each grain of sand, some bits would slip through our fingers. We may hold on tightly vowing to never let go but eventually the winds, the water and our toil cause us to drop each granule of sand we believed to have held tightly in our grasp. And the specks of life, the ones we so dearly love, fall back into the hands of the One who owned them all along.

I am trying to grab the wind and hold on tightly to the force of nature given to me by my Abba. But I know the days are short for my Papa is calling one of His children home soon. My precious daddy is going to be going home and each moment I have I want to hold tightly the last grains of sand representing his life; this will always remain precious to me.

But I know that eventually the last piece of sand will fall from my hands and Our Papa will call. And my Papa will brush the sand off my hands and pick me up and hold me like a child not ready to leave their place on the beach, their place of comfort.

And in my sadness, I will just rest in the arms of my Papa….

To my sweet daddy….I love you (1940-2008)

To my sweet Papa, I love you

me

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Sins Of The Mother

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on April 20, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Our son graduates from college in two weeks. He will be a Registered  Nurse. (Well, actually after he passes boards.) I,too, am a Registered Nurse.

Unfortunately, I left nursing on less than admirable terms some years ago. I did go back to nursing briefly and it did nurture my soul. But because of  drugs…Eating disorders…and Rehab…as the memories  still haunt me, I fear for my son’s future.

When people find out his career choice, they say “following in your mom’s footsteps?” I cringe. I want to stand on a mountain top and yell out one of Madea’s favorite saying, “Hell. To. The. No’”

Somewhere at the end of my hospital career, I could feel my dignity leave my body, as if a spiritual experience was happening. My reputation had become tarnished. I know I had been a good nurse. I was kind, strong, smart… but…drugs had taken over my wretched body and mind. My weaknesses manifested itself and I was humbled by my insufficiency.

Talk is cheap in our town  everyone knows everything. “Did you hear…?” I would like to have a Mulligan (golf term for a do over.) in life. What would I do different, especially knowing how much I’ve hurt my children?

Why should our son suffer because of my indiscretions. My downfall came at both main hospitals so my biggest fear was that it would tarnish his chances for a future here in our town. I prayed not. He is smart, book smart, street smart and an uncanny wit. (This is what I am told). And he is beautiful. (That I know).

Last week, I found out both hospitals are trying to get him to come and work for them in ICU. Proud momma. So, he is choosing the one that he made an original commitment with. He felt an obligation. He is doing the right thing.  Regardless, this is his journey, his own walk where he has to succeed or fall, he’s on his own, he will skin his knees and get back up. His heavenly Father will always there to pick him up.

Remember, son you is kind, you is smart, you is important! You can do anything. (The movie Help)

living the supernatural

Connie

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Measuring Cup of Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 20, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

(Ephesians 3:16-19) “I pray that out of his glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Have you ever rummaged through the pantry looking for something to eat, you fix a sandwich –eat it and find that it did not satisfy your hunger. So you look around some more, nuke a pizza, eat a slice—nah, that isn’t it either. Tubs of Rocky Road (and a hand full of mini marshmallows) ice cream later, loads of Tums for the displeased belly and still you are no more satisfied than when in the beginning.

We tend to live life-like that. We aren’t satisfied with our life. Thus, we begin our search.

Those of us “holics” and I believe that would include us all…Just plug in our own addiction or if we would prefer–something we do in excess or where we are lacking moderation.

  1. Do you shop too much (how many pairs of red shoes can one person need?),
  2. Serve the church for adoration rather than out of love,
  3. Are you constantly blaming others,
  4. Worship money or spending it on things and
  5. Leaving bills unpaid, anger problems,
  6. Can’t eat enough and don’t take care of your body (are you overweight), do you have an eating disorder,
  7. Are you someone with a drinking problem or a problem with drugs –as in my case.
  8. And yes, even with all this technology of Blackberries and Iphones they have caused a new breed of greed of its’ own evil generation.

Work—this hits home to most all of us, we are so wrapped up in our work—it defines us—it gives us our acceptances…it is our life and self-worth. People are at times driven to a career because of whom they will become not the life they will serve. The consequences of this can and usually will be very grave.

Our world has become a world of excess– Nothing we do is done in moderation any longer. *All excess is rooted in emptiness. We were born with a need and desire to fill our physical body, soul and spirit with something and that something is Jesus Christ.

*Imagine starting each day with a 16 oz. measuring cup. We fill it up in the morning about 2 oz. full of wonderful succulent fresh squeezed orange juice. But the rest of the day, we spend seeking someone to fill the remainder of our cup.

Had we started out the day with the full cup, we would not have the need to “suck the life or juice” from others to fill the remnants of our cup. And I can say with great confidence that whatever I gather into my cup will not be as wonderful as what I started my day with for it will most likely be someone else’s left over’s and not God’s best.

Lessons I have learned:

So, I now must renew my mind and let go of all the junk and the stinking thinking (Romans 12:2)! There will always be people, situations and circumstances that just happen. We can’t change that. And maybe that is a good thing! Deep down I knew I couldn’t anyway. I’ve tried that and well, it doesn’t work.

But I can change me.

I can let the SON shine in on me each morning so that I can hold out my cup up and say, fill it to the brim with Him.

When I am empty, I want to fill that gnawing hunger pain. Depending on my emptiness, determines what I fill in place of that hunger.  And depending on what I fill that emptiness with will determine what controls my life. It is then according to the controls installed as a byproduct of these situations of circumstances of my life that will now become the produce of my life.

Good …

Bad…

It doesn’t matter because I am no longer in control…the paradox of it all.

Today, I am letting go (again) …

*Some examples taken from Beth Moore’s Measureless Love DVD guide

Beautifully Awkward

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And The Rock Rolled Away

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 4, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

HAPPY EASTER...

The Daughter of the King

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Rock Bottom

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 18, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Gone– were the many dreams I held in my heart, not just for myself but for my family.

“Mom, what is wrong with you?”, cried my son; or sitting so many times in my chair waiting for my husband to come home with our child  after a school function because I couldn’t get out of bed. I Live the nightmare over and over of the cries of my children.

I am sure you have heard of “hitting bottom.” It is different for everyone. Most of the people I know with this disease would rather crawl up in a ball and die then to continue on. I can’t tell you how many times I begged for God just to let me die. My life became unbearable with shame and guilt.  I felt all alone and for sure that no one would ever understand. I had to be the only one in the world with this problem. It was a problem, right?

What will they think?

One day I got up and looked in the mirror;  I no longer could stand who I had become and even worse, I saw someone I no longer recognized. Slowly the bottom was getting closer, because now there was realization of the self-destruction I had created and it started to show in my eyes. Our eyes do not lie.

Where is the bottom?

It was somewhere between Hell and Purgatory. I reached the bottom when the consequences begin to outweigh the initial buzz from the very first pill or drink I took. Also, the search for the next pill began to engulf me with fatigue, shame, guilt and downright frustration. I had become the beggar on the street in my mind.

I was one of the lucky individuals. I sought help before I lost everything. But I lost enough. I lost years out of my family’s life that I will never get back. My children are almost grown and I can’t begin to tell you the tears I’ve shed as they walked out the door without me.

I lost a job I dearly loved. I wrecked my car. I put my health in jeopardy. The list goes on in which I will eventually cover.

Do I dream about being sober? What would it be like? Oh yes, I dream of being sober like a little girl dreams of her prince charming.

I made a list of the top 10 things that are important to me. What does each of those areas look like now?  This is what keeps me getting up each day now.

I wanted this so bad, but couldn’t understand why did it take so long to come clean? Why not “just do it?” If so many of us like the new life once we are clean, why do we relapse?

Why?

I do not know. I am learning though. Maybe because we never pulled up the dead roots. The whole reason we started, bad stuff, crazy stuff, who knows. The point now is to move forward.

And the good thing about being at “rock bottom” is the only direction left is UP!

Through the Grace and Mercy of God, I am here. And I have a purpose.

If you are struggling, there is hope and help.

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I Had Found A New god.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on March 15, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I remember going to the doctor for a very generic disease…the flu…and I was given Vicoden.  I remember the buzz I got from it. I liked it. It not only took away my pain physically but the emotional pain that I had carried up to that moment. I felt good.  I was numb.

I looked up the definition of numb and this is what it said:

  • dead(p): (followed by `to’) not showing human feeling or sensitivity; unresponsive;  “numb to the cries for mercy”
  • make numb or insensitive; “The shock numbed her senses

There it is… “Numb to the cries for mercy”

What happened to me during my life as a child and into adulthood was the unspeakable. And I had wondered where my cries for mercy had gone all these years. But now, who cared! I was free, free at-last…

John 8:44:

“He was a killer from the very start. He couldn’t stand the truth because there wasn’t a shred of truth in him. When the Liar speaks, he makes it up out of his lying nature and fills the world with lies….” The Message

Well, there it is… “Beauty in a pill” … Satan comes as a beautiful creature, one of alluring poise. Freedom — I had never felt such freedom.

And the years that followed were great. I had more confidence. I met challenges head on. I had the world in the palm of my hand.

Luke 4:6-7

“I will give you all their authority and splendor, for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. 7So if you worship me, it will all be yours.”

I worshiped the Vicoden.  It was my idol. Soon, very soon, I was hooked. I went nowhere without my god.  He was always in my hands, pockets, drawers, purse, and even my shoes. I could go anywhere and worship my new god.

Soon, I would no longer need to go to church for I worshiped all day long … praying… where would I get more?

Almost immediately, I became a faithful follower.

And this was the beginning of my Hell.

The Daughter of the King

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Her Broken Wing

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on March 14, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

HER BROKEN WING

Hello world. Glad you stopped by…. but one world of advice… This blog is not for the weak spirit nor is it for the judgmental Hypocrites. Now with that said…Let us begin…

I am:

An Adult

A Professional

A Christian

A wife

A mom

A sister

I am a Nurse

and I am a recovering Drug-addict

When I was a little girl, I had many ambitions and dreams. I worked hard to get to where I am. I never once said, “I want to be a drug-addict when I grow up.”

It started before I was born. I just helped it along. I have heard it said, “You become an addict with the first pill.” Now that doesn’t mean if you take a pill you are an addict, unless you are an addict. Doesn’t make sense, does it? It does if you are the devotee a la drugs.

Looking back, I remember that first pill.

If I could make one difference in the medical community, it would be that Physicians  better screened their patients (family history of abuse) and know the warning signs of their patients. I mean when you are calling in every few weeks for more drugs, something isn’t kosher.

I do take responsibility for my actions.

So let me set that straight. And I am the one paying the price… I lost years with my family. I lost my job. And if I had stayed down that path, I would have lost my life.

I am this broken-winged bird. Resting in the Papa’s hand. Not able to fly away but resting closely in His hand.

It is apparent, I am alive because and only because of the grace of God!

I will be sharing as I go along…the destruction of my life through my journey the past few years. And then, I will reveal the HOPE there is available to us all.

The Daughter of the King

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