Archive for Psalm

The Loney Wave

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on October 1, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

“He quieted the wind down to a whisper, put a muzzle on all the big waves. And you were so glad when the storm died down, and He led you safely back to harbor.” (Psalm 107:23)

My family’s vacation was incredible, but being at the beach always is. For it is God in His purest form. The waves speak to me in the rarest form. The air brushes against my face as if speaking a whole new language. The midst of salt air rises from the waves and touch my skin in an amazing newness. Just smell a newborn baby, touch their skin, caress their hair all the while closing my eyes in this venture. My senses come alive.

This is what it is like when I allow God to become my senses, when I let Papa embrace the beauty of all He created.

Just call me Mrs. Kodak. I love my pictures. Here is one of the pictures I took while I was on vacation. It is a picture of a lonely wave. But it is a pretty significant, a  picture with amazing powers. For this picture depicts a beautifully calm sea with one very lone wave with a very large wave riding its last ride into the shore. What a contrast! For the day before, the seas had been very rough.

As I look at the pictures, I can actually smell the ocean, hear the birds and feel the wind against my face. And I think about the one lonely wave making its wave shore–to his home!

The wave does not think about time. Oh no! He’s not on a schedule; he’s only on God’s time. He’s living in eternity. As I watched the wave, I notice how at peace he lives his last moments. As if with all his strength he has, he bellows up and rolls. I hear him. He is a witness to his Savior. He lives out the purpose of his being without question. And as he rolls onto the shore, he surrenders with such peace.

He is “Led safely back to harbor.” (Psalm 107:23)

What a similar story. My drug addiction, just like the rough seas. Then rolling back home with such peace to sobriety.

“Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21) as we stand before our Abba.

The lonely wave….

me

The Sands Of Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing
Psalm 139:17-18How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!” Were I to count them, they would out number the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

How do you kiss the wind?

Or

Embrace the warmth of the Sun?

And what is it like to hold someone you love as their life passes by like the sand sifting through the fingers of a small child lost in play for hours at the beach.

Even if we tried to hold each grain of sand, some bits would slip through our fingers. We may hold on tightly vowing to never let go but eventually the winds, the water and our toil cause us to drop each granule of sand we believed to have held tightly in our grasp. And the specks of life, the ones we so dearly love, fall back into the hands of the One who owned them all along.

I am trying to grab the wind and hold on tightly to the force of nature given to me by my Abba. But I know the days are short for my Papa is calling one of His children home soon. My precious daddy is going to be going home and each moment I have I want to hold tightly the last grains of sand representing his life; this will always remain precious to me.

But I know that eventually the last piece of sand will fall from my hands and Our Papa will call. And my Papa will brush the sand off my hands and pick me up and hold me like a child not ready to leave their place on the beach, their place of comfort.

And in my sadness, I will just rest in the arms of my Papa….

To my sweet daddy….I love you (1940-2008)

To my sweet Papa, I love you

me

Strike Three

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 3, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Somewhere in the fleeting seconds, he had to make a quick assessment of the situation. “Now,” he wonders. Does he swing at the ball? Or should he wait? (Psalm 46:10)

The game win is on his shoulders. The last play of the game.

He chooses not to wait and it is in the moments that follow, he knows. The swing. The miss. There was a reluctance in this challenge. I saw sorrow in his follow-through as he made what would be his final attempt.

The slight pause was his downfall. The lingering regret.

“Strike three.” The crowd goes crazy.

The sting. The pain as onlookers watch.

He walks slowly away from the base. He is conquered by the opposition.

He relived this play over and over in his head in the days that ensue. “What if I had …?”

What if?

I have asked the same question. “What if I had just…?” If I could just do this over I have often thought.

But it is in these failures, I am forced to climb off my platform of pride.

I have heard it said that sports builds character, but I think it reveals my character more than it builds it.

Someone in the game must lose that others may win.( 1 Peter 2:21-25)

And that is just what Jesus did.

 

Living the Supernatural

Connie

Happy 2,920 Days to Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 1, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, nope! Not the belly button kind. Even better. I am 8 years sober, that means no chemical substances. That is 2,920 days one day at a time. It does not mean I am emotionally sober at times or all the time (like I don’t  even know what that means some days).

Emotionally sober well that is another devotional and another day. For now I just want to thank God for where I am today. It is no less than a miracle. And definitely thank my family, friends and you for allowing me to share my story.

White chip Day 1…..8 years ago (yes I still have my chip)

Psalm 149 The Message. ( …He lifts the fallen…)

living the supernatural

Connie

 

The Hourglass of Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on January 29, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

What did you say? Sitting next to him, I impatiently asked.

And then I saw the pain in his eyes that told me he was doing his best.

He was old now and his speech had begun to slur. I took his hand and held it. I was convicted. The twinge of pain ate at my soul. I looked at his hands. They were wrinkled and aged–they were old. He shook as he squeezed my hand back. There was an unspoken language between us then.

In that brief existence, his heart spoke of a time when he was vibrant and virile. A man who raised a family. A man who had a career and worked a garden in the hot Sun. This is the reason his hands were weathered today.

His heart spoke through his eyes, he was a man of God. Although my impatience saddened him deeply, he understood. For he had once been young and he too had been quick to judge an elderly man like himself as I did him today. Oh, he understood, he just didn’t like it.

I saw all this in the look of his eyes and the small tear that fell.

Time passed and we sat there quietly–together.

An understanding.

A forgiveness.

A love.

Psalm 71:9 “Do not cast me off in time of old age; forsake me not when my strength is spent”

Connie

Daughter of the King

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 24, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Some days, I don’t know, who am I? The oceans’ waves roll in calling me such names like self-pitied , self-destructive , unworthy  , depressed, and  chasing  shadows of the night, haunting my time in seeking peace and serenity.

People (I) gawk at things, my weakness and failure like an anomaly of nature, having come up on a bad wreck, trying to see how bad it really is,  I slow down to take a look. Why do I or we do that? Why do people look and stare and whisper….about me? “Do you know she’s ….?” I look back in wonder at the wreck. The wreck of my life. We  have all been there in a sense, staring and talking. Yes, you have in your human frailties. Denying it does not mske it go away! I don’t know but maybe watching  others in pain and destruction  makes our life’s  look, well normal, tender, loved and safe and more.

I had become the victim. Poor me. I used to believe that was a good place to be. People would feel sorry for me outwardly. But that wasn’t  the case.  A friend told me  when we have the victim mentally it is ugly and not an advantageous place to be. Just think about someone we knew with  the victim mentality, how do we feel about the person?  It isn’t appealing and sometimes grates us the wrong way.

What  I did to pull out of this? Several things

1) acceptance – I am an addict. Life changed  no happy hour. It is what it is

2) Go to meetings. When I was new,  I did 90/90  meeting a day for 3 months. Then, several meetings a week.

3) find a sponsor— I cannot begin to tell you how important this is. They have pulled my ass out of many trenches before! Start with one, you can get another one when you learn personalities.

4) work the 12 steps- start #1 it’s  so important.

Step One. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.” I wear this on a bracelet my daughter gave me always reminding me to give thanks

5)  clean my side of the street. In other words, quit blaming others. Find my part in situations

I could not do any of this without God. I wouldn’t be sober if it weren’t  for Him?

At the end of the day when I put my head on my pillow in the darkness of the night, i watch the silhouette of the trees on my wall.  The trees sway to the moons commands. Serenity I am reminded and I am also reminded of who I am…the daughter of the King!! (Psalm 45:9)

Good night and love  y’all,

Connie

Be Still

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on April 29, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Sometimes… it’s about being still in the midst of Choas… (Psalm 46:10)

 

Love,

Connie

A Better Version Of Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 26, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I believe in the small talk, in 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances, forgiving those in my past and missing the cracks in the pavement (or “you break your mother’s back,” I sang as a kid). I strive for obedience when it does not make sense — denoting a sense of submission.

And when the world of good and evil collide, I might smile that crooked smile revealing my fragile life. I realize how easily my broken and shattered place of being has come to. I sense the vulnerably delicate existence of my heart.

I daydream of a better time, where my soul whispers truth and dedication of Someone’s love. Be still my beating heart and listen. (Psalm 46:10) Once again, conformity and submission take their place in my life calling out my name. I hear her. But I don’t always answer. Shame. Guilt. Even so, my mind takes a stand. But God…you gave me this desire, did you not? And the raging internal war goes on. Why can’t I be more like Jesus? Why can’t I overcome each time? Satan makes out a new buffet of sin every day.

I can choose to order off the menu or the buffet. Some days the buffet looks inviting. Satan is smart and cunning. He is powerful. (Sounds like the disease of addiction)

I bite.

Then there is the long conviction of worthlessness that builds her walls around my heart.  The very thing I desire, I fight back against. Does my world of panic-stricken emotions and uncertainty mask this lonely spirit? Or tear down the very walls built to coddle my wounds.

Easy to forgive others. Not so easy to forgive myself.

But…

For God went right for the jugular when He sent His own Son.” (Romans 8:3, the message) so the least I can do is work on the whole forgiveness thing…

And I pray for a better version of me.

Love,

Connie

Safe Haven

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 18, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I would like for this to be a safe place for you to come and read—what you already know! We all need a place where we can remove our armor with the prayer that no one will shoot us down. We need a sanctuary to hide out and be ourselves.

Many of us are hurting. A lot. So we come here to cry. A lot. I have not cried much if at all in the past several months. Today I cried. A lot. Brokenhearted over my own inadequacies, I cried. I cried over the roads I have traveled and the roads I have yet to travel.

The Bible says, God “binds up the brokenhearted…” (Psalm 147:3) I often wondered what that meant, maybe because I never allowed myself to feel anything enough to be broken in spirit. But I know what it feels like to hurt now. I also know what it feels like to sense total peace in the midst of emotions run riot. I can inhale and exhale the presence of my Lord. I can smell the aroma of sweet rain and know it is Him. I can hear a song and know the words are God speaking to me. I can look at my kids and know God loves me more than I love my children.

Still sometimes I need to escape the chaos and be still in His presence. Whether I find a quiet lake to sit by or go for a brisk walk with my music, I find God there. He is always there. “Do you feel My presence my child?”

I am overwhelmed by His love at times. And His sweet aroma brings me to tears…

May we sing out of tune, paint outside the lines and dance the Waltz…

Love you,

Connie

Desperately Seeking Serotonin

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 1, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

 

My physician knows my name (or I think he does–such is my self thinking). I sometimes wonder if he rolls his eyes when he hears my name. “She has called again?”–that Serotonin Junkie….

I desperately want to “be normal” not that I really know what that is. I have been medicated on some type of mood altering drug for a long time… Whether it is antidepressants, prescription pain medication or alcohol–I’ve been on them all.

Of course, there is the other–Life! Thrill seeking… Putting myself in dangerous situations. I have done that too– all for the rush.

 But I guess we all do that at some point in our life, right?

This is where you say, “sure“!

And the other things I do?

Whatever “it” is, it won’t be in moderation. I think I have to make up for the lack of serotonin by filling the void with my exaggerated life. Take for example my experience with eBay–I finally had to just quit. It was like the hunt for survival. I would stalk the prey through until the last remaining second and go in for the kill. You have to have been on eBay to understand this. It’s crazy. I rarely go on there anymore. But don’t be too proud of me, I have replaced it with something else I feel sure. I always do.

*Sigh*

Today I am seeking something… I long for something to get me out of this funk I am basking in…I just want it to go away. It’s like waking up early–too early in the morning as the Sun comes up before her time— then pulling the covers up over my head begging her to go away. I hit the snooze button, kick the cat off the bed and sneak a few more hours of sleep.

What is Serotonin anyway? Ah, another chemical ….in the brain…

Great…

The Motherboard …

The most common sign of a serotonin deficiency is depression; this can range anywhere from just feeling melancholy to extended periods of deep depression.

Feeling anxious? well that is common too.

So where are the Serotonin Milkshakes? Serotonin moon pies! Serotonin shots!!!

I have heard of the runner’s high…. Oh yea, I used to do that too….Of course, I’m waiting for my exercise addiction that has yet to kick in (again)…no, I have to eat a friggin donut instead…

Huge sigh…

I don’t think God meant the abundant life to be in excess…. (John 10:10)…

Come to think of it, we are all seeking the same thing, aren’t we?

Maybe it’s not a Serotonin void but a God void in my life….I am trying to fill.

So today Father, I seek You. (Psalms 105:4)

Desperately seeking God

Beautifully Awkward