Archive for Beauty

The Loney Wave

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on October 1, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

“He quieted the wind down to a whisper, put a muzzle on all the big waves. And you were so glad when the storm died down, and He led you safely back to harbor.” (Psalm 107:23)

My family’s vacation was incredible, but being at the beach always is. For it is God in His purest form. The waves speak to me in the rarest form. The air brushes against my face as if speaking a whole new language. The midst of salt air rises from the waves and touch my skin in an amazing newness. Just smell a newborn baby, touch their skin, caress their hair all the while closing my eyes in this venture. My senses come alive.

This is what it is like when I allow God to become my senses, when I let Papa embrace the beauty of all He created.

Just call me Mrs. Kodak. I love my pictures. Here is one of the pictures I took while I was on vacation. It is a picture of a lonely wave. But it is a pretty significant, a  picture with amazing powers. For this picture depicts a beautifully calm sea with one very lone wave with a very large wave riding its last ride into the shore. What a contrast! For the day before, the seas had been very rough.

As I look at the pictures, I can actually smell the ocean, hear the birds and feel the wind against my face. And I think about the one lonely wave making its wave shore–to his home!

The wave does not think about time. Oh no! He’s not on a schedule; he’s only on God’s time. He’s living in eternity. As I watched the wave, I notice how at peace he lives his last moments. As if with all his strength he has, he bellows up and rolls. I hear him. He is a witness to his Savior. He lives out the purpose of his being without question. And as he rolls onto the shore, he surrenders with such peace.

He is “Led safely back to harbor.” (Psalm 107:23)

What a similar story. My drug addiction, just like the rough seas. Then rolling back home with such peace to sobriety.

“Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21) as we stand before our Abba.

The lonely wave….

me

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Sins Of The Mother

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on April 20, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Our son graduates from college in two weeks. He will be a Registered  Nurse. (Well, actually after he passes boards.) I,too, am a Registered Nurse.

Unfortunately, I left nursing on less than admirable terms some years ago. I did go back to nursing briefly and it did nurture my soul. But because of  drugs…Eating disorders…and Rehab…as the memories  still haunt me, I fear for my son’s future.

When people find out his career choice, they say “following in your mom’s footsteps?” I cringe. I want to stand on a mountain top and yell out one of Madea’s favorite saying, “Hell. To. The. No’”

Somewhere at the end of my hospital career, I could feel my dignity leave my body, as if a spiritual experience was happening. My reputation had become tarnished. I know I had been a good nurse. I was kind, strong, smart… but…drugs had taken over my wretched body and mind. My weaknesses manifested itself and I was humbled by my insufficiency.

Talk is cheap in our town  everyone knows everything. “Did you hear…?” I would like to have a Mulligan (golf term for a do over.) in life. What would I do different, especially knowing how much I’ve hurt my children?

Why should our son suffer because of my indiscretions. My downfall came at both main hospitals so my biggest fear was that it would tarnish his chances for a future here in our town. I prayed not. He is smart, book smart, street smart and an uncanny wit. (This is what I am told). And he is beautiful. (That I know).

Last week, I found out both hospitals are trying to get him to come and work for them in ICU. Proud momma. So, he is choosing the one that he made an original commitment with. He felt an obligation. He is doing the right thing.  Regardless, this is his journey, his own walk where he has to succeed or fall, he’s on his own, he will skin his knees and get back up. His heavenly Father will always there to pick him up.

Remember, son you is kind, you is smart, you is important! You can do anything. (The movie Help)

living the supernatural

Connie

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How Will I Die?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on March 6, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

How will I die?

(John 3:15)”…that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life”

As A Hospice Nurse, I heard this question often. But this particular time I  held on to this question with a whole new meaning and a special love.

My sweet patient looked down at the floor wringing his hands, finally having the courage to ask me “the” hardest question, yet. I could sense something had been bothering him during the last few of our visits. I could see it in his eyes. “How will I die?”

He was an intelligent man so I knew he would expect the details. As I began sharing the process of dying, I could feel “A” presence overtake us. Perhaps may I  say that God filled the room. He took over the situation. Peace filled the apprehensive uncertainties that crept into my mind.

Nearing the end of my explanation of death and dying, I told my patient (and friend) that one thing I have noticed was that almost all my patients were given an incredible peace in the perfect time nearing the end. However, all my patients had been Christians. I had heard stories of patients passing that were not Christians that were less than peaceful but I have not personally experienced this, so I could not share that with merit.

He then said, “Well, I just might be your first.”

I felt my heart just sink into my toes. I had given him several Christian books to read and he had enjoyed them so I just assumed…. Now, he looked at me with such sadness. He told me that he wasn’t worthy. He had never led a life that God would be proud of. He did not attend church much. And the list grew. But he said, “I’m not a bad person. I just didn’t work for God.

I asked him if he had read the Bible or parts of it. And then I asked him if he believed in it. He said, “Yes.” I asked him if he believed that Jesus was the Son of God and again he said, “Yes.” So I did have something to work.

We went on for some time, God giving me the words, scripture and the peace to share. I finally asked my patient if the thief on the Cross had time for works, church and all the things he had listed and through his tears he cried, “No.”

The words shared were…Supernatural… and from our Heavenly Father…. I was a partaker.

He said, “I have some thinking to do.” And I asked him what he felt he needed to think about. I said, “Would you like to receive Christ as your Savior now? I can help you do that and I would be honored.” He nodded yes. There we held hands. His mom, a Godly woman, sat across the room. And we prayed to receive Christ.

I believe I heard Heaven rejoice.

Interestingly, as I shared this with my family (of course, leaving the name confidential), my 12 year-old son asked if we were going to baptize him. Well, duh! Why didn’t I think of that? So this week our Chaplain is going to baptize him. I’m not sure who is more excited, him or me.

How will I die? My sweet one, you won’t—you have eternal life now!

(my patient died 10 minutes after he was baptized)

As an addict, I used to think I will surely die and could not be forgiven but I was…am. I am His child. I have eternal life just like my patient.

living the supernatural

Connie

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God’s Hands

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 8, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Ecclesiastes 9:1-3 The Message (MSG)

9 1-3 Well, I took all this in and thought it through, inside and out. Here’s what I understood: The good, the wise, and all that they do are in God’s hands—but, day by day, whether it’s love or hate they’re dealing with, they don’t know.

Anything’s possible. It’s one fate for everybody—righteous and wicked, good people, bad people, the nice and the nasty, worshipers and non-worshipers, committed and uncommitted. I find this outrageous—the worst thing about living on this earth—that everyone’s lumped together in one fate. Is it any wonder that so many people are obsessed with evil? Is it any wonder that people go crazy right and left? Life leads to death. That’s it.

My counselor challenged me the other day. When I was in rehab I had to write my life story. It was about who did what to me and why I ended up there, I feel sure, maybe, sort of, kind of. But her challenge was to go back through my story and find God in all those times. I, at first thought, that I didn’t  know if I wanted to let go of the victim mentality. Ok let that roll around in our mouth a second. What does that mean? Letting go of the Poor pitiful me. “She’s so amazing after what she’s been through”, just a lot of sick thinking. But then felt a tug at my heart. I remember times when I knew God was there. This would be an amazing exercise because truly it is what it is.

One story in particular I was 5 years old. I have to leave out the graphic part for protection of someone in my family however something very bad (understatement) happened. Child abuse is a mild way of putting it. Anyway….

During the event, I left my body. I don’t remember all of the event and it didn’t hurt. So while it was happening, I felt like I was floating. And I felt like arms were carrying me. I felt loved. I felt warm and embraced. Unfortunately, I had to go back. But I have always remembered that.  I know that was God.

I used to never tell that story in fear they (the white jackets) would lock me up. Well that has already happened so knock yourself out. Sorry little humor.

I know of some other times and don’t know of some but will find out where God intervened so I’m so excited to be journaling now. As my friend said, being a victim is not becoming, actually its ugly. It drains us and other person.

That’s all.

Living the Supernatural

Connie

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The Storm Dancer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 31, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

THE STORM DANCER

Storms.

Storms of life.

These storms can cause devastating consequences. Many of these storms are of our own making. Intensity rules and angers flare. After the thunder, there is rain. I see the torrential downpours. And as the rain begins to fade, the sweet-scented smell of rain fill my senses. I can smell the rain. Time passes and surpasses my understanding of what has been and what is to be. Soon, the rain trickles as if playing to the tune of Mozart and I am mesmerized by its tranquilizing effect. I hear the Song that my Heavenly Father is singing to me.

My senses are alive. I can feel.

I breathe—slowly.

 

I awaken—soon thereafter to a silent world around me after the rain has long stopped. It would take some time before I really would grasp all of the unfolding events of the storm.

The person I had been had died, she had left during the storm—tragically. The death of self was an explosive aftermath. The realization of truth was as explosive as a volcanic eruption from a Volcano that had slept for thousands of years. The pressure was phenomenal.

Good,

Bad,

And just indifferent at times.

Mindful—from a long rainy night, I mused over the details.

I prayed.

Morning came and the Sun peeked in through the window. It was timid and reluctant to reveal itself to me as if one more change might cease my beating heart.

The pain was gone—not that I was ok with my life’s happenings but it was better than it had been in a very long time. I was free. I could breathe.  Psalm 30:5

Would I become another Storm Dancer? Will I rejoice in this new birth?

I will dance in reminiscence of the storm.

I will become the Storm Dancer.

…for I am His beloved child

Living the Supernatural

Connie

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Living In An Extraordinary World

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 21, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Some days I was living an extraordinary life in an ordinary world… other days, I was trying to survive an ordinary life in an extraordinary world.

Mostly, I would vacillate between the two.

Not sure which I preferred, I found out it really didn’t matter. I was unseen and forgotten a majority of days. Maybe I was too ordinary…. Or contrarily— in a sad sense.

It was a funny thing—my disease. I discovered one day quite by accident I could take “the pills and the booze” and they would make me come alive in my own little world (or so I thought). I was flying over mountain tops. I was finally somebody. Now all my days were extraordinary. “Beautiful”, I thought.

This time of ecstasy was short-lived, however.

The subsequent highs were never as good as the first. And it was not long before my body begged for more. It took more and more to get me to a place where I could just function as an ordinary person.

The disease is all cunning, baffling and powerful—it sneaks up on you. It bites you before you realize you are bitten. (John 8:44)…

This disease spoke to me… whispers in the night… lured me like a lover and then left me cold and alone.

Despair is a powerful motivator.

Standing at the River of Sorrow—the tears came and I finally surrendered.

“Good”, I say.

Today, I am an extraordinary person in an extraordinary world….

Beautifully Awkward

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From Ashes To Beauty

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 14, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

“…He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,…
   to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes, the oil of joy
   instead of mourning, and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair…” Isaiah 61


The Phoenix story is told that it has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.

While I might not have that long to live, in likeness, my short life I must die to live. (Matt 26:25)

So out of my rubble, I become something more beautiful than I was before. Free of the bondage that brought me to despair– That I too may be bestowed a crown of beauty.

From the ashes I arose to a garment of praise…

Beautifully Awkward

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I Am Woman

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 27, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I am not enough and yet too much— all at the same time… I am Woman… 

My career has always been my identity. I measured my worth based on where I was on the rung of the corporate ladder. So needless to say, when I fell from my professional ascend into the pits of despair, I lost all hope.

At the same time, as I had been taking too many drugs, sleeping too much, running fast to keep away the demons of my past, I was too sensitive and too opinionated.

All the result of shame that sought me though the cracks and crevices of my life. It would ooze through the walls built around me that I thought would protect me. Such an irony of my secluded existence which eventually became exposed.

If only I had done things different… (Whatever that looks like)

Maybe if I had tried harder…(Whatever that means)

In the mess I created, I only wished to be loved, accepted and pursued. Yes, pursued. I wanted to be loved by someone. So I started filling that void with people, things and then…drugs. It would take tremendous pain before I would realize that all these things were not filling the void but only making the emptiness bigger and wider in my life.

Built within my soul was and is a deep passionate desire to live. I desire intimacy. I desire being pursued. That is how God made me as a woman — To find great meaning as a woman.

The veil of shame and guilt was removed on the Cross. I choose whether to fill the void with Him, my Savior. For He pursued me. Now I pursue Him. (1 John 4:19)

May I be the woman of Your great story told.

 Beautifully Awkward

　

　

　

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A Drunkard’s Cry

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 23, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Do you wonder as you watch my face?

Is it the silence?

Or is it the tears of shame?

I invite you to climb into my world over the walls built of mortar made of guilt and pain. I invite you to share my shame. Do you hear my drunkards cry in the darkest part of the night? Once more vowing to give up the stronghold of my addiction. Once more praying for help.

*Sigh*

How many prayers have there been like this?

A beautiful mess that I am. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Only through the rumblings of something greater than I, do the walls fall around me. Revealing a new skin, a new likeness of His Son. Preserved for such a time as this. (Esther 4:14)

As you watch my face, do you see Him?

A Beautiful Awkwardness?

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