Archive for Forgiveness

The Year of Color

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 6, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

The pain was born inside. Instead of letting the hatred become stagnant and making me stronger, it left me divided. More like pieces. More like a tiny million little pieces.

For so long my world was a hazy gray not because there was no color in resentment, but because my heart beat cold, odorless blood that ran through my veins, especially with things that have stroked my soul painfully.

My calloused heart blocked out any rays cast from the sun. It seems forgiveness  eluded me when it came to the shadows of my past. Had I sinned? Absolutely. Then this scripture came to me, “Then they reminded Jesus that adultery was punishable by stoning under the Law and challenged Him.” Then judge the woman so that they might accuse him of disobeying the Law.” Then replied, “He that is without sin among us, you let him cast the first stone at her.” John 8:7

Resent who? Maybe me. After all, I am terminally unique meaning my sins are greater than yours. Making my relationship with God that much closer. Resentment is a toxic feeling that can eat at my mind little by little. I have found that living in dysfunctional mind games it’s like a drug, it is a high.  

Whether it is good or bad, it’s there. Since mine is usually painful, it starts, anger flare. So I’m super bitter, which is usually the case, I spew my inner hurt and anger. And sometimes I say things where the person I resent can hear. I try not to be blatantly  ruthless or cruel. No, I’m discreetly mean.

Recently, there was a situation that had occurred. I was “nail-spitten mad”. It was later that I realized it wasn’t so much the person I was mad at but my spouse for making light of the situation. SMH

Resentment wears many different masks in the battle for compassion, needing validation.

“Resentment is like a poison to a relationship. It kills off the yummiest part of intimacy-namely, empathy” Psy. today

In AA there is a resentment prayer. I pray for peace, health, happiness and prosperity for the person I have grown to resent. I pray until the animosity has lifted  or lessened.

I give it to God. “Why do I carry my burdens to the cross but I never leave them.” Romans 8:1

And pray til my world carries bright hues of colors. Auras of happiness. Forgiveness.

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In my year of Color

Connie

 

Saving Myself From Me 2

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

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Self-Forgiveness comes. Especially if we wait. Sometimes we must wait a long time and even may fear it will never come. But look 2 Corinthians  5: 17 says,”therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!”

I used to think forgiving someone was the hardest thing and oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s harder than soothing my colicky baby. It’s hard. However, even harder is forgiving myself.

For a while I had given up trying to forgive myself. It just wasn’t going to happen. I deserved to be punished. Punishing myself through negative coping mechanisms such as the silent treatment, self-loathing, feelings of unworthiness, depression and withdrawal. Really I didn’t want to forgive myself. Why? I didn’t deserve it.

At one time in my life, I felt totally like a burden to my family. For 15 years I had caused them heartache from drug addiction, eating disorder, rehab, self-harm, severe depression, PTSD from being sexually abused and the list goes on. I am a mess. No wonder I drank and drugged that later led into other addictions.  I reflect back on Sins of the Mother. A writing I posted earlier. I tried to ease the pain. I tried to end all the hurt. But instead, I caused even  more pain for my family. It wasn’t in God’s plan. I’ve learned a lot since then but I’m still working on forgiveness for what I did to my family. Not that I should “work”on forgiveness. It’s a done deal, right! I just have to let forgiveness in.

Jesus revealed over and over that my sins, my imperfections, and disobedience were washed away by the blood on the cross. I just had to embrace it. I had to learn to live a life blessed without bitterness, harmful, negative and resentments toward me!

In AA, we forgive others to help us stay sober. It’s a one-way street. I forgive you but it’s without expecting an apology in return. We stay sober that way. Even the Bible doesn’t say anything about expecting an apology. So, what about forgiveness of ourselves? What about forgiving me? I don’t talk about that. It’s the same, though! I would guess.

God shows us God-nuggets of forgiveness in mysterious ways.

A few nights ago my son talked to his dad and I about his graduation from nursing school next week. He has his pinning one day next week. The pinning is done by faculty. So that night my son said, “mom will you pin me.” I was speechless. Tears welled up. Tears of all the pain I had caused my family,  I fervently prayed for forgiveness. Then remembering I was forgiven,  I looked up to God and said thank-you. He Showed me that all the years of heartache were wrapped up in a tight bundle and tossed behind the cross where his had Son died.

Romans 8:1 “ Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

God, let’s continue this journey.

Another God-nugget: What a beautiful generation that is passed on. His great grandma was a nurse, his grandma, his mom and now him. Pretty cool, huh?

So, Lord help me to continue to forgive me! Oh Abba Father, the work was already done, please show me how to love me with the same sweet love  you have for me shown at the Cross . I am forgiven.

I can not earn nor do I deserve His forgiveness… it just is.

❤️ Me

 

”In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift…” Brennan Manning

Twisted Fate

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 5, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Matthew 18:21-22 (“then Peter came to him , and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive them? Til seven times?

Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times; but, until seventy times seven.”)

Forgiveness is a funny thing. When I say I’m sorry, I just assume I’ll get one in return. Isn’t that how it works? I say I’m sorry and you say you are sorry back. So when you don’t reciprocate it leaves me feeling worthless, guilty,  unimportant and useless and sometimes just angry. But, the Bible does not say anything about us getting an apology in return.

What da I do? As my sponsor says, “have you prayed”? Sigh, why do I always forget to pray during hard times? Remember the prayer, “Help”? (Anne Lamott) That’s all, just help! How simple is that?

In my program that I’ve been so lucky to be a part of (12 step program) God grant me The serenity… so where is that peace? Do we find it through our search with God? ? A reminder is it’s my forgiveness not theirs. I’m not responsible for others.  It is freeing to let those we have hurt go. It’s not a one time deal. I sometimes have to do this over and over. Anger,  rebellion and retaliation is what l was feeling.

I remember a time when I made an amends to someone I had really hurt. I expected her to forgive me and to go back to where we had been before the situation happened. I said I was sorry.. She said “I made my amends long time ago but her words spewed like razor blades shooting from her mouth.” I was not sure what to say next.  Later, I had seen her out, she did not give me the time of day.

I am to clean my side of the street not hers. I have done that. I was sincere. I still felt the twinge of pain. What Twisted Fate. I hurt her, she hurt me.

But now in my peace, I can say “Wow”! “Thanks”

living the Supernatural

Connie

She Will Collect Her Karma Debt!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 20, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Karma bites…”look what you did to me.”. “What goes around comes around”.

When someone does something bad to me, I want to retaliate. I want to hurt the person. Or better yet God’s vengeance. They need to hurt like I did.

But… when I hurt someone, I don’t want that same kind of wrath. I want grace. So I threw the grace and mercy card out there. (Romans 12:19-21 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.) and Then I get on my knees asking for forgiveness. Did that help, I don’t know. But I hoped owning my part,  Ah more like begged forgiveness did.

In Romans Paul says there are consequences for our behavior.(Romans 6.1 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase.)

I am reminded of a situation years ago when I had to make a very hard decision. It affected someone’s life. I knew it was the right thing to do but this person had been very wounded  even to this day. Regardless, I lost a friend.  I felt like the karma bug was going to bite me even to this day. I had apologized and tried to explain but I don’t know that it mattered. I walked watching my back.

Seems like more bad happens than good. Let’s face it, it does. Karma must be flying like a swarm of mosquitoes.

I think of karma floating around the universe ready to jump on those with certain colors. Soft colors, dark colors, an aura based on our  karma debt that we carry. The angels of vengeance maybe?

How does Karma know? How does it know what the punishment is for each person? Can we escape a karma debt. Can our colors change?

I do not know. The only thing I can do is pray.

Has the debt collector called on you?

The Storm Dancer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 31, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

THE STORM DANCER

Storms.

Storms of life.

These storms can cause devastating consequences. Many of these storms are of our own making. Intensity rules and angers flare. After the thunder, there is rain. I see the torrential downpours. And as the rain begins to fade, the sweet-scented smell of rain fill my senses. I can smell the rain. Time passes and surpasses my understanding of what has been and what is to be. Soon, the rain trickles as if playing to the tune of Mozart and I am mesmerized by its tranquilizing effect. I hear the Song that my Heavenly Father is singing to me.

My senses are alive. I can feel.

I breathe—slowly.

 

I awaken—soon thereafter to a silent world around me after the rain has long stopped. It would take some time before I really would grasp all of the unfolding events of the storm.

The person I had been had died, she had left during the storm—tragically. The death of self was an explosive aftermath. The realization of truth was as explosive as a volcanic eruption from a Volcano that had slept for thousands of years. The pressure was phenomenal.

Good,

Bad,

And just indifferent at times.

Mindful—from a long rainy night, I mused over the details.

I prayed.

Morning came and the Sun peeked in through the window. It was timid and reluctant to reveal itself to me as if one more change might cease my beating heart.

The pain was gone—not that I was ok with my life’s happenings but it was better than it had been in a very long time. I was free. I could breathe.  Psalm 30:5

Would I become another Storm Dancer? Will I rejoice in this new birth?

I will dance in reminiscence of the storm.

I will become the Storm Dancer.

…for I am His beloved child

Living the Supernatural

Connie

The Saint Fallen into Grace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on January 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”(Matthew 7:5)

Did you hear about…? Or so and so…. Or I hear that another Pastor lost his…  Did you hear about Connie?

I cringe.

We are becoming desensitized. Or is it we are thankful that it is someone other than ourselves? But what about when it is us.

Oh, not because we are innocent although we might some times forget what our own “fleshy desires” might be.

When I fell, I fell hard. my flesh took its toll. I took a path of a non-fruit bearing life and yes, with Jesus by my side (See, Jesus never leaves us). I lived in the lie for many years which led me into a life of self-loathing. Eventually, I tried to take my own life. But God was not ready for me. I am alive but not without much pain. And there are always consequences of my choices. There will always be physical, physiological and emotional scars to me and my family.

I learned that another friend that I have always looked up to is not perfect. Imagine that?! Do you think the song, “Don’t look at me, look at Him” brings tremendous merit here?

I am always on my husband about his own flaws or one in particular. In hit me and hit me hard this week that it is not my place to worry about that any longer. Matt 7:5 slapped me so hard, I truly felt dizzy. For my husband has his own journey with Jesus and who am I to interfere? I thought what about my own weaknesses, my own problems that keep me apart from perfection?

Oh, flawless? That is right, we are not the perfection that God speaks of when He thought of Someone as the perfect Lamb that gave His life! Otherwise, what did we need Jesus for! And as in Galatians 2:21, God reminds us that Christ did not die in vain.

But I still wonder, so many people, Godly people are falling into the fleshly desires. Despair. Pain. Disease. Disappointment.
I have my own weaknesses that keep me on my knees, weak and praying. It keeps me forever giving grace to my friends and family as I am aware of my own limitations. The plank in my eyes help blind me to the pride I think I carry and helps me to reflect on an inner love that can only come from God. Spiritual blindness! Not an accident but part of God’s plan.

It is almost as if to say, in some daily reminder, we are nothing apart from HIM.

Daily we fall into grace. Daily we are reminded that we cannot live without HIM.

And as the battles rages… and it will–Satan wants us to give up… He wants us to give in and feel helpless, crying out, “Why bother, dear brother!”

On the other side, God is standing in, not surprised, not anxious but calmly waiting… He already knows where this is going….

You and me, all of US–Into the arms of our precious Savior…

As we–Fall into Grace, His Grace…

And when we stand before our Lord, we will know… we will worship… we will praise… HIM
He will only see us through the love of His Son and the forgiveness of the CROSS.

Amen

Connie

 

A Better Version Of Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 26, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I believe in the small talk, in 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances, forgiving those in my past and missing the cracks in the pavement (or “you break your mother’s back,” I sang as a kid). I strive for obedience when it does not make sense — denoting a sense of submission.

And when the world of good and evil collide, I might smile that crooked smile revealing my fragile life. I realize how easily my broken and shattered place of being has come to. I sense the vulnerably delicate existence of my heart.

I daydream of a better time, where my soul whispers truth and dedication of Someone’s love. Be still my beating heart and listen. (Psalm 46:10) Once again, conformity and submission take their place in my life calling out my name. I hear her. But I don’t always answer. Shame. Guilt. Even so, my mind takes a stand. But God…you gave me this desire, did you not? And the raging internal war goes on. Why can’t I be more like Jesus? Why can’t I overcome each time? Satan makes out a new buffet of sin every day.

I can choose to order off the menu or the buffet. Some days the buffet looks inviting. Satan is smart and cunning. He is powerful. (Sounds like the disease of addiction)

I bite.

Then there is the long conviction of worthlessness that builds her walls around my heart.  The very thing I desire, I fight back against. Does my world of panic-stricken emotions and uncertainty mask this lonely spirit? Or tear down the very walls built to coddle my wounds.

Easy to forgive others. Not so easy to forgive myself.

But…

For God went right for the jugular when He sent His own Son.” (Romans 8:3, the message) so the least I can do is work on the whole forgiveness thing…

And I pray for a better version of me.

Love,

Connie