The pain was born inside. Instead of letting the hatred become stagnant and making me stronger, it left me divided. More like pieces. More like a tiny million little pieces.
For so long my world was a hazy gray not because there was no color in resentment, but because my heart beat cold, odorless blood that ran through my veins, especially with things that have stroked my soul painfully.
My calloused heart blocked out any rays cast from the sun. It seems forgiveness eluded me when it came to the shadows of my past. Had I sinned? Absolutely. Then this scripture came to me, “Then they reminded Jesus that adultery was punishable by stoning under the Law and challenged Him.” Then judge the woman so that they might accuse him of disobeying the Law.” Then replied, “He that is without sin among us, you let him cast the first stone at her.” John 8:7
Resent who? Maybe me. After all, I am terminally unique meaning my sins are greater than yours. Making my relationship with God that much closer. Resentment is a toxic feeling that can eat at my mind little by little. I have found that living in dysfunctional mind games it’s like a drug, it is a high.
Whether it is good or bad, it’s there. Since mine is usually painful, it starts, anger flare. So I’m super bitter, which is usually the case, I spew my inner hurt and anger. And sometimes I say things where the person I resent can hear. I try not to be blatantly ruthless or cruel. No, I’m discreetly mean.
Recently, there was a situation that had occurred. I was “nail-spitten mad”. It was later that I realized it wasn’t so much the person I was mad at but my spouse for making light of the situation. SMH
Resentment wears many different masks in the battle for compassion, needing validation.
“Resentment is like a poison to a relationship. It kills off the yummiest part of intimacy-namely, empathy” Psy. today
In AA there is a resentment prayer. I pray for peace, health, happiness and prosperity for the person I have grown to resent. I pray until the animosity has lifted or lessened.
I give it to God. “Why do I carry my burdens to the cross but I never leave them.” Romans 8:1
And pray til my world carries bright hues of colors. Auras of happiness. Forgiveness.
In my year of Color
Connie
Her Broken wing 