Archive for Mark

All The Kings Men

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 25, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

I sometimes think whoever wrote children’s poem suffered  from major depressive disorder. If not, then I can totally relate to this poem anyway. As a matter of fact, I can associate with a lot of the childhood characters I grew up with.

There is Eeyore, OMG, he was sad all over–and was probably clinically depressed. I felt suicidal just watching poor Eeyore. Seriously, something bad must have happened to Eeyore as a child like he ran off a cliff with a bus full of kids or something.

And then there was Charlie Brown. He was dealt with a heavy dose of real life. Charlie Brown demonstrated the struggle, pain and downright misery of childhood. He never received a Valentine’s card. His dog could not remember his name. He was always picked last for the team. Basically, Charlie Brown is a loser.

And last, there was Olive Oil, Popeye’s girlfriend. she had one of cartoon’s first eating disorders. She was an anorexic. She never even ate Popeye’s spinach (unless forced to when she was completely unconscious due to some villain–like many of us with eating disorders will do)

It is no wonder that so many of us are screwed up. Look at the cartoon characters we grew up with. Adults that were most likely crazy (OK clinically diagnosed) wrote the scripts. And thus predisposed us to what would inevitably become our future. No, I’m not saying the cartoons caused this…just saying that our world in which we lived in…

“All the kings horses…” The Doctors, Psychiatrist, Therapist could not put us back together. We became society’s misfits–living in hell within our soul–tormented constantly.

Gloom and doom. Our vision skewed by our depression glossed glasses.

For even on Eeyore’s happiest day (Birthday) he could not muster up a happy sentiment. For maybe, I am not much different. I always wait for the shoe to drop and if it does not, I will perhaps throw the shoe myself.

If it isn’t enough to worry…I worry about tomorrow when today hasn’t even passed. Old Mother Hubbard was so poor her cupboards were bare. What will I do if tomorrow doesn’t provide? Yes, I worry.

And then there is us alcoholics. Homer Simpson. “Beer” the cause of and solution to life’s problems.” He kids that beer is for daddies and kids with fake IDs.  My husband says the difference between alcoholics and drunks…one goes to meetings. I go to meetings. I am an alcoholic, recovering drug addict.

The Lord says, Worry not. Matthew 6:26 “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

I try to believe… to trust… I even pray about it… Mark 9:24 “…I do believe; but please help my unbelief.”

Today, I stumble, I fall and I wait. For the King—Jesus to put me together again.


A Spiritual Hissy Fit

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 15, 2018 by Her Broken Wing



”Peter began to say to Him, ‘See, we have left all and followed you!’ (Mark 10:28)

My dad told me when I was a little girl and,well….until he passed away he said  I always had to have the last word. I would always respond, “I do not”. So there you go, point taken.

One of the things God has been working on in my life is surrendering “surrendering my right to the last word but also the right to a voice”. I didn’t have a voice growing up. As an adult, it was no different. I hate being interrupted or cut off or disregarded. It says I’m not important. I have felt that I demand having a voice even when it’s abrasive or causes conflict. **Sigh**

But  who’s voice is it really?

i remember Mel Gibson’s movie Passion of the Christ. I am thankful for the image the movie as it gave me an image  of the eyes of Jesus as He went to the cross, totally surrendered. He chose to have  no voice. He did not say, “But I’m the Son of God get me down from here”. He could have, ya know? No, He laid down His life quietly.

The years have been hard for me sober and not. Some think because I am clean from drugs now I have it made . No, I don’t. My life; sober; has been very hard, actually harder. I work every day at sobriety.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful. I surrender daily to God.

Many people look at my addiction like it might be contagious or a moral defect. Either one makes me feel inadequate. But why should I be better than Jesus. They spit on him and called him names worse than me. At least, the words said to  me were superficial; the words spat at Jesus were deep, to the core of unbelief as He lied dying for those cursing Him.

When it got out that Gibson had a “drug issue”, people thought surely he wasn’t a “true” Son of God. That freaks me out. Oh, excuse me Ms. Perfection, Mr. Perfect Christian ; why Jesus could have stayed in heaven. (Gal 2:21)

When i feel rejected, I’ve been known to have a spiritual (and unspiritual) HISSY FIT like it will change things. When I am done with my fit and I am physically spent, God reminds us of His fervent love.

This morning started the Lenten season. Today I started face down furiously in  prayer with my Abba. I have found peace for today. Quiet peace.

i have found love. (1 John 4:8)

I am totally surrendered just for today..



On My Father’s Apron

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 16, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

“Just let me die,” I cried into my pillow a million times. Eventually, there became a desperate plea for God to take me home. I was tired of fighting this battle of addiction but each time God would put sweet memories of my family in the forefront of my mind and I would hold on another day.

I had tried too many times to count on giving up the pills. I went through cold-turkey on at least 4 different occasions. You would think someone in their right mind would catch on quickly and not want to suffer needlessly but this is not the case with us addicts—we are sick. For each time I went through detox, I would swear off any form of drugs or alcohol– F.O.R.E.V.E.R; thus begging the God Almighty that if He would just spare me, I would serve every last living starving person on the streets from here to nowhere– for my remaining days on earth.

As in Childbirth, many women have sworn to “Never do this again” only to turn around and bear a child the following year; the pain subsides all-to-soon and we forget. Or I did. One time, two times and finally 3 and 4 came and I still didn’t remember the suffering I had endured from previous times I detoxed. I would succumb to the power of the drugs. I could hear the war going on in my head –drugs make you feel good. Regardless, the outcome was always the same. I gave in.

I had so much to lose. But it didn’t stop me. Little by little, I started losing things that were important to me. I didn’t see it happening or maybe I just didn’t care. Either way, my life was being stripped away until I was completely exposed. One day, I was left humbled and humiliated—it was far worse than any dream I had ever experienced where I stood before a crowd stripped naked with everyone staring at me.  The difference — this was real and there was no waking up to a better existence.

In a matter of hours, I lost my job. Thus, I lost my identity –my whole identity was wrapped up in being a nurse.

I was reported to my state board of nursing by my employer even though… (Another story)

I lost my role in several other capacities that I served in the community.

I went from a strong person everyone looked up to to a person of “Damaged goods.” Isn’t it grand how fast news travels?

But ah, I am losing my addiction to self-approval of others. When I hit the bottom, I learned a lot about myself. I learned who my friends really are and who they are not. The funny thing is the ones that run from you are most likely the one’s dealing with their own fears. This hits too close to home. That or they think my addiction is contagious??!!

The best thing of all, I have lost my old life. I am on the road to recovery and will be for the rest of my life. Praise God. I have a lot to learn about myself. But I realize I can’t do this on my own and I will be tugging on the apron of God.

I read in my Bible the other day, if a person accepts the sufferings of the Cross—and loses his life will actually save it…FOREVER…“(Mark 8:34)

In this case, I would say I have made the mark or I am in the right direction.

For now, I’ll be found on my Father’s apron.