Archive for 2 Corinthians

Noonday Demons

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 14, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

The disease of addictions steals, it robs and it destroys. It sucks any and all resemblance of life as we know it.

Andrew Solomon’s book Noonday Demons describes the absence of depression is vitality. I have strived most of my life for some sort of normalcy but due to the fact I have never had that (normal), I did not know what to look for or feel. I would not know if life was ordinary or not as my striving for life I had wished for would ever seem on some occasion—attainable.

But today, the Sun arose once again as it faithfully does every day. Its warmth and penetrating rays, however, could not reach me. My world goes cold.

Even my bones are cold. I shiver to stay warm still on the hottest day of the year.

The arid pain blurs my desire to move, to breathe—the involuntary muscles of my body are now an agonizing effort. My world goes cold.

As in Harry Potter’s Dementors – “it sucks out all the happy-all the good memories are gone…” such a life and her circumstances.
Days become weeks, weeks become months and eventually the months become years. My years pass by. I am saddened by the darkened area I live and its daily dance of the Sun’s silhouette as she comes in my room. The Sun teases me by the shadows on the wall. The Suns outline waltzes all around my room as the Sun creeps through the sky as if spying on me. It is some ritualistic ceremony. This is only a reminder of what I am missing in my world. The Sun’s ghosts I know are demons and they tease me.

Is this depression in the likeness of death? Or is this lower than death?

An escape from the reminders of child abuse, rape, murder all wrapped up into a cocoon that has failed to metamorphic into a new life. God talks about new life. (2 Corinthians 5:17) But I cannot shed the old me. The old life overwhelms me.

A leap of faith! For me it is much like diving into a pool that is void of water. Dried up faith?

No, not really.

I hold onto hope. Hope of not even tomorrow but just for today.
Hope that the specters on the wall become reminders of freedom from my walled off prison of my mind. A new birth? Maybe so. Maybe hope is the new birth spoken of, I do not know.

But my hope today is that I dance with the shadows on the wall.

(Written by me August 2014)

In Him

me

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Saving Myself From Me 2

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Sav
Self-Forgiveness comes. Especially if we wait. Sometimes we must wait a long time and even may fear it will never come. But look 2 Corinthians  5: 17 says,”therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!”

I used to think forgiving someone was the hardest thing and oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s harder than soothing my colicky baby. It’s hard. However, even harder is forgiving myself.

For a while I had given up trying to forgive myself. It just wasn’t going to happen. I deserved to be punished. Punishing myself through negative coping mechanisms such as the silent treatment, self-loathing, feelings of unworthiness, depression and withdrawal. Really I didn’t want to forgive myself. Why? I didn’t deserve it.

At one time in my life, I felt totally like a burden to my family. For 15 years I had caused them heartache from drug addiction, eating disorder, rehab, self-harm, severe depression, PTSD from being sexually abused and the list goes on. I am a mess. No wonder I drank and drugged that later led into other addictions.  I reflect back on Sins of the Mother. A writing I posted earlier. I tried to ease the pain. I tried to end all the hurt. But instead, I caused even  more pain for my family. It wasn’t in God’s plan. I’ve learned a lot since then but I’m still working on forgiveness for what I did to my family. Not that I should “work”on forgiveness. It’s a done deal, right! I just have to let forgiveness in.

Jesus revealed over and over that my sins, my imperfections, and disobedience were washed away by the blood on the cross. I just had to embrace it. I had to learn to live a life blessed without bitterness, harmful, negative and resentments toward me!

In AA, we forgive others to help us stay sober. It’s a one-way street. I forgive you but it’s without expecting an apology in return. We stay sober that way. Even the Bible doesn’t say anything about expecting an apology. So, what about forgiveness of ourselves? What about forgiving me? I don’t talk about that. It’s the same, though! I would guess.

God shows us God-nuggets of forgiveness in mysterious ways.

A few nights ago my son talked to his dad and I about his graduation from nursing school next week. He has his pinning one day next week. The pinning is done by faculty. So that night my son said, “mom will you pin me.” I was speechless. Tears welled up. Tears of all the pain I had caused my family,  I fervently prayed for forgiveness. Then remembering I was forgiven,  I looked up to God and said thank-you. He Showed me that all the years of heartache were wrapped up in a tight bundle and tossed behind the cross where his had Son died.

Romans 8:1 “ Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

God, let’s continue this journey.

Another God-nugget: What a beautiful generation that is passed on. His great grandma was a nurse, his grandma, his mom and now him. Pretty cool, huh?

So, Lord help me to continue to forgive me! Oh Abba Father, the work was already done, please show me how to love me with the same sweet love  you have for me shown at the Cross . I am forgiven.

I can not earn nor do I deserve His forgiveness… it just is.

❤️ Me

 

”In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift…” Brennan Manning

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My Grace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 8, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Somewhere in the middle of whom I was and who I am, the play ground of my mind resonates with reckless abandon. Leaving me between my common sense and intellect.  Like the teetering of a child’s seesaw, I waiver on my position in God’s world.

Who am I? Who does God want me to be? More so, what have I become? And I ponder the thought. Is my faith in the shallow end or have I been immersed into the deep? Do I listen to the roar of His call or to His still small voice? (1 Kings 19:11-13)

Some days I am content and some days I want more. And in those days, I reach up and grab a hold.

Truth is… I don’t regret where I’ve been for it has led me to the road I’m on today. A road less traveled—some would say. For sure, some would not have. But it is the thorn to bear and it is mine. And I will know that no matter how tough things get, I will hear the Father‘s voice…..

 So for who I may become, I give praise…and if I forget to say thank you…Your grace astounds me.

That you may find me in my chosen place; and I may hear the Father say, “My Grace.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Beautifully Awkward

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Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 20, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
 
 
Be Still and Know (Psalm 46:10)
I heard a song the other day… “Slow dancing in a burning room” It really spoke to my senses… Like peace and surrender…
 
 It is also like the days I have spent swaying to the sound of the world as she went about her business– Chaos just happens as I scurry around trying to make it one more day. Maybe humankind finds one morsel of Hope to hold, enough to come back tomorrow.
 
I fight to stand for something– for nothingness is worse than doing something wrong. I see the ribbons on the door of my neighbors, my family yet I pass them by each day. I complain but I do nothing about it.

My addiction…stands for the years of hiding and blaming others– yet it is my problem. And if I am the problem, I must be the solution.

In my weakness I find…I have amazing strength.

God says…. “For it is in my weakness, He is strong…” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

So today, I surrender…

Today, I slow dance in a burning room…

Beautifully Awkward

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The Whisper of Lies

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 25, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Through the wound of my heart, I have witnessed the secret. I have tasted defeat. And now…it would take an act of something bigger than me, maybe a fleeting “Wonder” to dislodge this self-deception and lies betrothed to my soul.

He sauntered slowly behind me, he was there even in my sleep, and his whispers of promises were beautiful and breathtaking… in the beginning.

He allured me to places I’d never been. His seduction was easy. He knew everything about me and the precise words to speak. Sadly, the sound of his voice was to only draw me to a deeper place and deceive my inmost being.

And I went.

Two lovers of self.

In this place that I existed, it was dark. It was cold. I was alone. The beauty of his words had disappeared.

The voices from my precious life had been obscured. There was only the one voice left—mine.

“You did this to yourself.”

I was left with reflections of my meaningless time here in this place and I no longer recognized the person I had became. Or so I thought. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

Time would pass, much time before…

 …This place around me began to crumble. And through the tremendous darkness, a “Light” shone through the cracks in my survival.

And then I heard:

“Wake up, O Sleeper,

Rise from the dead,

And Christ will shine on you.” Eph 5:14

Beautifully Awkward

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Facing My Giants

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 23, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
Kicking the drugs has been the easy part…comparatively. I have found after months and months of sobriety the real work has just begun. And this transformation is hard and agonizing work!   

   

Getting to the depths of my heart and soul is a painstaking process. I have found myself coming up with every single excuse so that I might avoid sitting down and facing my Giants (my past) and that I might assess how I got to this place of quicksand I am stuck in today. Hoping that I not dwell in my past but that I might surrender it and move on–something I have yet to do. Praying one day, the Giants will fall one by one, allowing me to finally turn it over to God and give Him the glory for this life — My Story. 

  

Sounds easy enough?   

  

But I have taken my pen and paper, looked at it, caressed it to only drop it with lingering regret. I have circled the paper to only walk away in great fear. I have lived a life of avoidance not only to this process but my existence as well. 

Reminding me of a time when I was in labor with my child and there were complications. I cried out, “I don’t want to do this anymore,” the nurse plainly stated, “You don’t have a choice honey.”    

 Today–is much like the time giving birth, I don’t have a choice now, I must move on to a new beginning–new life.    

  “…He is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)    

Beautifully Awkward    

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Use Your Weapon

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 22, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I discussed with a dear friend the other day some concerns regarding addiction. She wanted to know more about alcohol and drug dependence, specifically. Ironically, I recently had become aware of how little people really do know about this illness. My friend is dealing with someone in her family that is chemically dependent.  Although she does not suffer from chemical dependency at this point, she does suffer from a type of addiction–food. She is obese. She also understands how susceptible she is to many of the disease I will mention and addiction as well.

Most people just do not understand this illness so they become the sideline spectator. It’s like when I sit on the sidelines of a football game. All of a sudden, I become the expert referee, coach and player when truthfully I don’t know much about the game. My outbursts come during many excitable moments of the game. It is easier to yell from the bleachers and say, “Just don’t do it” especially if you really do not understand the dynamics of this game (illness).

I have a great personal interest invested into this disease–for many personal reasons other than just myself but I will leave it at that. So recently I did some research and found an article on addiction. I also consulted with several medical professionals who deal with this malady on a daily basis.  I have developed great faith and trust in the information the physicians provided regarding “Indulgences of the chemical kind!”

Thus, one of the first things counselors and addiction researcher’s stress about drug and alcohol dependency is that it is a disease, not a simple choice. Though people may decide to try drugs or may be treated for chronic pain, consequently an addict is born at the first pill. Addiction is now a physical and mental need.

“There IS a point in time where it IS a choice – but that window is very narrow,” Most of the time, people do not even realize they are addicted to the medication until they are at a point of no return or usually still in treatment for their ailment, said Wyoming Valley counselor James Crossan,  a recovered addict himself.

Crossan leaned forward. “People don’t pick  drug addiction or alcoholism.” Dr. Charles Dackis explains addiction as a disease of the brain’s award center– Kind of like food, pornography, the constant need for Atta-boys, church over-achievers and the list is infinite.

Is addiction hereditary? Yes…it can be… but it doesn’t have to be.

Do not let people tell you that you cannot beat this, you can. If you have failed a million times, who is to say you were to make your miracle at a million and one? People can be cruel, they will use our disease as a weapon against us but God uses our weakness to strengthen us. (2 Corinthians1:3-5; Matthew 11:28-20)

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2Corinthians 12:9)

Use your weapon!!

Beautifully Awkward

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Eat Your Spinach

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 25, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

It is ironic that I am going through forgiveness at the same time I am working on my 4th step in a group I attend which is–to make amends (forgive) all those in my past and my present that have hurt me. Sometimes, I think it is easier to be mad because let’s face it, forgiveness is just —hard. In Proverbs 31 Ministries, she said it well, “Forgiveness is like spinach, you may not like it; but it’s good for you.”

At first when I heard the phrase “it’s good for you”, it had the same impact on me as it did when I was a child, I stubbornly fought tooth and nail—all the way! This not forgiving and living in my self-pity was my comfort zone. It gave me a motive to exist—sick as it may be.

As I fast forward my life to now, months later free from drugs, I continue to be thrown ropes from God to help pull me out of my Hell. One of those ropes is forgiving those that have hurt me and drove me deeper into my addiction. The more the pain, the more the drugs—I could numb myself to the sting of life.

I have had several significant situations in my life that were so devastating I felt like Christ on the Cross. How agonizing His words were as they came painfully spewing forth, “Abba, Abba why have You forsake me?”  Truly the epitome of abandonment as His Father turned His head and tearfully loved His Son to death.

This same abandonment brings me to a time I was wrongfully accused of crimes I did not commit. Even though these were not criminal they were personal, and I paid a tremendous price each time. I lost my job in both situations and my reputation was tainted. In each case, I was innocent—but in each situation a single person had a personal vendetta.

“Abba, Abba why have You forsaken me?” I cried.

Why couldn’t Abba vindicate the truth and set me free, right then? It took me so long to realize these situations held an incredible amount of power over my belief’s in who I– was not. I would not let that belief go nor would I let God take it from me. (2 Corinthians 12:7)

The other day someone in my family hurt me. I was not going to let it go. I was not going to forgive. I also had to give something to this person that I really couldn’t afford to do at this time.  So that made it even worse. God, surely understood.

I shouldn’t have to forgive. And that was my stance for all of 24 hours. Then the next morning, out of no where a scripture comes blasting me in the face. Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus shares the parable of the  cannot pay back his debt. When the man is reprieved of his debt, he goes out and beats a guy over the head to get his money back. He does not extend the grace and mercy he had been given. The king finds out and throws him in jail… Basically, God does not forgive those who do not forgive.

I immediately dropped to my knees and cried.

I forgave.

I changed my thoughts. For when I was young, I was in this exact circumstance as this person. Someone close to me extended the same mercy and helped me– Dollar for dollar, situation for situation.

I understood.

I asked God to forgive me…

His Daughter

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My To-Do List

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 20, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I remember my first meeting to my now required licensure nurse group (it consists of a group of nurses with addictions lead by a recovering nurse monitored by the board of nursing –whew). I should be nervous, right? But leave it to me to be ignorant and arrogant. I went in and sat down with my to-do and has-done list of things to check of. This meeting was to be the first thing I checked off. Let me add that I was quite proud of how together I presented myself. I was hoping to maybe get time off for good behavior.  I was C.L.U.E.L.E.S.S.

Remember….. addicts are good at this kind of stuff…

Anyway–At that time, I still had my job.  And my world had not yet started to unravel.

So as I sat there, I listened to nurse’s talk calmly about not having jobs like they broke a fingernail, or how they were sitting back–waiting on God’s timing. I remember thinking the other nurses just “needed a plan” like me.

All the way around the room, those other drug addicts we  shared where we were in our life. Some of the nurses had been there one, two and five years down the road from their initial meeting, so they spoke of how they found jobs they now loved, and some even changed careers. Others downsized their way of life and others found peace with God.

Then my turn came and I pulled out my “list” (I believe I heard a snicker around the room as if they had seen this scenario before) and I began discussing what all I had done. First, I attended meetings, saw my doctor, told my boss and all is well. The room became very quiet. I heard the word “Newbie” come from somewhere.  At last, my advocate (she too is a recovering nurse that liaisons to the nursing board for us) spoke up and said, “First, you will have to quit your job. The nursing board will not allow you to work around narcotics in your job.”

My world started spinning. And I remember thinking this will not happen. I am not quitting. This job was all I knew. I had done this work for so long that I didn’t know what else I was going to do. I could feel myself start to hyperventilate. The other nurses that had previously snickered now saw my pain. They knew what it was like to be new and have your world suddenly turn upside down. This group had once been new to the journey not so long ago.  In their compassion, they started to console me as best they could but the tears broke loose no matter how hard I tried to conceal them. Little by little, my to-do list chiseled away to nothing.

Why was I being punished? Was I singled out to suffer this thorn in the flesh like Paul? (2 Corinthians 12:7) Why this one? Can I choose another one God? I remember saying those very words to God.

Oh yes, I do understand the consequences of my behavior and that isn’t what I am asking. Why this struggle?

The truth is in the beginning, I wanted my life back before the drugs. But now, I don’t ever want to go to the life I had before or during my time with drugs. For God has something much bigger in my life.

I have to learn to live life on life’s terms.

Just as with any journey, it requires a certain degree of travel on bumpy and treacherous roads.

I just have to learn which path to follow.

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