Her Broken wing

It is ironic that I am going through forgiveness at the same time I am working on my 4^th step in a group I attend which is–to make amends (forgive) all those in my past and my present that have hurt me. Sometimes, I think it is easier to be mad because let’s face it, forgiveness is just —hard. In Proverbs 31 Ministries, she said it well, “Forgiveness is like spinach, you may not like it; but it’s good for you.”

At first when I heard the phrase “it’s good for you”, it had the same impact on me as it did when I was a child, I stubbornly fought tooth and nail—all the way! This not forgiving and living in my self-pity was my comfort zone. It gave me a motive to exist—sick as it may be.

As I fast forward my life to now, months later free from drugs, I continue to be thrown ropes from God to help pull me out of my Hell. One of those ropes is forgiving those that have hurt me and drove me deeper into my addiction. The more the pain, the more the drugs—I could numb myself to the sting of life.

I have had several significant situations in my life that were so devastating I felt like Christ on the Cross. How agonizing His words were as they came painfully spewing forth, “Abba, Abba why have You forsake me?”  Truly the epitome of abandonment as His Father turned His head and tearfully loved His Son to death.

This same abandonment brings me to a time I was wrongfully accused of crimes I did not commit. Even though these were not criminal they were personal, and I paid a tremendous price each time. I lost my job in both situations and my reputation was tainted. In each case, I was innocent—but in each situation a single person had a personal vendetta.

“Abba, Abba why have You forsaken me?” I cried.

Why couldn’t Abba vindicate the truth and set me free, right then? It took me so long to realize these situations held an incredible amount of power over my belief’s in who I– was not. I would not let that belief go nor would I let God take it from me. (2 Corinthians 12:7)

The other day someone in my family hurt me. I was not going to let it go. I was not going to forgive. I also had to give something to this person that I really couldn’t afford to do at this time.  So that made it even worse. God, surely understood.

I shouldn’t have to forgive. And that was my stance for all of 24 hours. Then the next morning, out of no where a scripture comes blasting me in the face. Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus shares the parable of the  cannot pay back his debt. When the man is reprieved of his debt, he goes out and beats a guy over the head to get his money back. He does not extend the grace and mercy he had been given. The king finds out and throws him in jail… Basically, God does not forgive those who do not forgive.

I immediately dropped to my knees and cried.

I forgave.

I changed my thoughts. For when I was young, I was in this exact circumstance as this person. Someone close to me extended the same mercy and helped me– Dollar for dollar, situation for situation.

I understood.

I asked God to forgive me…

His Daughter

This entry was posted on April 25, 2010 at 1:44 pm and is filed under Uncategorized with tags 2 Corinthians, Forgiveness, Hope, journey, Matthew. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.