Archive for John

« Older Entries

The Year of Color

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 6, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

The pain was born inside. Instead of letting the hatred become stagnant and making me stronger, it left me divided. More like pieces. More like a tiny million little pieces.

For so long my world was a hazy gray not because there was no color in resentment, but because my heart beat cold, odorless blood that ran through my veins, especially with things that have stroked my soul painfully.

My calloused heart blocked out any rays cast from the sun. It seems forgiveness  eluded me when it came to the shadows of my past. Had I sinned? Absolutely. Then this scripture came to me, “Then they reminded Jesus that adultery was punishable by stoning under the Law and challenged Him.” Then judge the woman so that they might accuse him of disobeying the Law.” Then replied, “He that is without sin among us, you let him cast the first stone at her.” John 8:7

Resent who? Maybe me. After all, I am terminally unique meaning my sins are greater than yours. Making my relationship with God that much closer. Resentment is a toxic feeling that can eat at my mind little by little. I have found that living in dysfunctional mind games it’s like a drug, it is a high.  

Whether it is good or bad, it’s there. Since mine is usually painful, it starts, anger flare. So I’m super bitter, which is usually the case, I spew my inner hurt and anger. And sometimes I say things where the person I resent can hear. I try not to be blatantly  ruthless or cruel. No, I’m discreetly mean.

Recently, there was a situation that had occurred. I was “nail-spitten mad”. It was later that I realized it wasn’t so much the person I was mad at but my spouse for making light of the situation. SMH

Resentment wears many different masks in the battle for compassion, needing validation.

“Resentment is like a poison to a relationship. It kills off the yummiest part of intimacy-namely, empathy” Psy. today

In AA there is a resentment prayer. I pray for peace, health, happiness and prosperity for the person I have grown to resent. I pray until the animosity has lifted  or lessened.

I give it to God. “Why do I carry my burdens to the cross but I never leave them.” Romans 8:1

And pray til my world carries bright hues of colors. Auras of happiness. Forgiveness.

C540755F-1449-4474-B603-27C996CF05DB

In my year of Color

Connie

 

Leave a comment »

How Will I Die?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on March 6, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

How will I die?

(John 3:15)”…that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life”

As A Hospice Nurse, I heard this question often. But this particular time I  held on to this question with a whole new meaning and a special love.

My sweet patient looked down at the floor wringing his hands, finally having the courage to ask me “the” hardest question, yet. I could sense something had been bothering him during the last few of our visits. I could see it in his eyes. “How will I die?”

He was an intelligent man so I knew he would expect the details. As I began sharing the process of dying, I could feel “A” presence overtake us. Perhaps may I  say that God filled the room. He took over the situation. Peace filled the apprehensive uncertainties that crept into my mind.

Nearing the end of my explanation of death and dying, I told my patient (and friend) that one thing I have noticed was that almost all my patients were given an incredible peace in the perfect time nearing the end. However, all my patients had been Christians. I had heard stories of patients passing that were not Christians that were less than peaceful but I have not personally experienced this, so I could not share that with merit.

He then said, “Well, I just might be your first.”

I felt my heart just sink into my toes. I had given him several Christian books to read and he had enjoyed them so I just assumed…. Now, he looked at me with such sadness. He told me that he wasn’t worthy. He had never led a life that God would be proud of. He did not attend church much. And the list grew. But he said, “I’m not a bad person. I just didn’t work for God.

I asked him if he had read the Bible or parts of it. And then I asked him if he believed in it. He said, “Yes.” I asked him if he believed that Jesus was the Son of God and again he said, “Yes.” So I did have something to work.

We went on for some time, God giving me the words, scripture and the peace to share. I finally asked my patient if the thief on the Cross had time for works, church and all the things he had listed and through his tears he cried, “No.”

The words shared were…Supernatural… and from our Heavenly Father…. I was a partaker.

He said, “I have some thinking to do.” And I asked him what he felt he needed to think about. I said, “Would you like to receive Christ as your Savior now? I can help you do that and I would be honored.” He nodded yes. There we held hands. His mom, a Godly woman, sat across the room. And we prayed to receive Christ.

I believe I heard Heaven rejoice.

Interestingly, as I shared this with my family (of course, leaving the name confidential), my 12 year-old son asked if we were going to baptize him. Well, duh! Why didn’t I think of that? So this week our Chaplain is going to baptize him. I’m not sure who is more excited, him or me.

How will I die? My sweet one, you won’t—you have eternal life now!

(my patient died 10 minutes after he was baptized)

As an addict, I used to think I will surely die and could not be forgiven but I was…am. I am His child. I have eternal life just like my patient.

living the supernatural

Connie

2 Comments »

He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 28, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

The woman said to Him, “Sir, You have nothing to draw [water] with, and the well is deep.”  JOHN 4:11

I have thought God to be off His rocker before, not being able to live up to my expectations? I still question Gods ultimate plan in my life, has he forgotten me? Why Lord have you forsaken me?

Will I ever get clean? Especially, after ten years of fighting alcohol and drugs plus my eight years sobriety? And even now I still struggle to live what Seems like a once vibrant women. A women filled with life, joy, and enthusiasm.

What do I do when Satan whispers, “you have nothing left?” “You have no bucket”? What happens when I reach my bottom again and again? What does my bottom look like? Despair? Very much so.

My friend in Alcoholics Anonymous says to be careful as even our bottoms have a trap door! Hell is a vacation compared to a bottom as an alcoholic and taking drugs. I’ve been through the DT’s. I can only imagine it has to be worse than Hell. I wanted to die or for sure thought I would. Where are you, Lord? Papa, do you still love me?

“Yes”, I hear in a whisper! (1 kings:12)

He loves me, He loves me not, He loves me…(John 3:16 For God so loved…)

My well runs deep but I have no bucket to draw with. I am the Woman at the well, caught up in village of gossip, given a second, third, fourth… chances.

I am the woman at the well…

He loves me…

Connie

Max Lucado in book God Came Near says, “Silently the Divine Surgeon reaches into his kit and pulled out the needle of faith and a thread of hope. In the shade of Jacob’s well He stitched her wounded soul back together. ‘There will come a day… ‘ He whispered. “

Leave a comment »

Serendipity

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 4, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Serendipity….A fortunate accident.

You might say that is what happened to me: My addiction a fortunate accident? Well, yes in a sense.  Today I feel that way. Two years ago, not so much. But today, sobriety is a gift.

Long ago, I longed to feel “normal” like my friends. Their lives were so together. My life was in such turmoil that I felt sure everyone knew what a screw up I was. So as a child, I tried to fit in.

Fast forward some years and the pattern continued. Early on, I would descend into a world of addiction and lose my identity even further. Fragile from the barrage of abuse, I felt I had come home to the numb feelings I now experienced.

Life had her way with me. Consequences from my choices.

Despair.

*Sigh*

But for the grace of God…

I was called into place of something they described as “Rehabilitation.” Oh, in the beginning I was very angry and didn’t want to be in this place. It wasn’t my choice, but then really it was. I was just so tired.

“Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly…,” I started to let go of the anger and resentment and open up to those around me. The people in my groups were happy. I often thought to myself, “What could they be happy about?”  They aren’t normal. They can never drink again. They can’t take a pill without going off the deep end. My life was over as I knew it.

Well thank God. Because my life just sucked.

I hadn’t had a clean and sober day in years. And now I was living a normal (used loosely) life.  Today, I am learning to walk a path I never discovered before.

Life is good. I am living in freedom. (John 10:10)

A fortunate accident indeed.

Beautifully Awkward

1 Comment »

I Am Enough

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on September 19, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

When I am not enough, the Sun rises again.

When I am not enough, the seas bellow up and cry “Holy.”

When I am not enough, the wind kisses my face tenderly.

and when I am not enough, Your Son sends me a hug through a friend.

 

I am reminded daily that yes, I am enough. I am abundantly and richly filled with Grace, love and life. (Jn 10:10)

Reminding me~~

That I am enough…

 

Beautifully Awkward

1 Comment »

Desperately Seeking Serotonin

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 1, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

　

My physician knows my name (or I think he does–such is my self thinking). I sometimes wonder if he rolls his eyes when he hears my name. “She has called again?”–that Serotonin Junkie….

I desperately want to “be normal” not that I really know what that is. I have been medicated on some type of mood altering drug for a long time… Whether it is antidepressants, prescription pain medication or alcohol–I’ve been on them all.

Of course, there is the other–Life! Thrill seeking… Putting myself in dangerous situations. I have done that too– all for the rush.

 But I guess we all do that at some point in our life, right?

This is where you say, “sure“!

And the other things I do?

Whatever “it” is, it won’t be in moderation. I think I have to make up for the lack of serotonin by filling the void with my exaggerated life. Take for example my experience with eBay–I finally had to just quit. It was like the hunt for survival. I would stalk the prey through until the last remaining second and go in for the kill. You have to have been on eBay to understand this. It’s crazy. I rarely go on there anymore. But don’t be too proud of me, I have replaced it with something else I feel sure. I always do.

*Sigh*

Today I am seeking something… I long for something to get me out of this funk I am basking in…I just want it to go away. It’s like waking up early–too early in the morning as the Sun comes up before her time— then pulling the covers up over my head begging her to go away. I hit the snooze button, kick the cat off the bed and sneak a few more hours of sleep.

What is Serotonin anyway? Ah, another chemical ….in the brain…

Great…

The Motherboard …

The most common sign of a serotonin deficiency is depression; this can range anywhere from just feeling melancholy to extended periods of deep depression.

Feeling anxious? well that is common too.

So where are the Serotonin Milkshakes? Serotonin moon pies! Serotonin shots!!!

I have heard of the runner’s high…. Oh yea, I used to do that too….Of course, I’m waiting for my exercise addiction that has yet to kick in (again)…no, I have to eat a friggin donut instead…

Huge sigh…

I don’t think God meant the abundant life to be in excess…. (John 10:10)…

Come to think of it, we are all seeking the same thing, aren’t we?

Maybe it’s not a Serotonin void but a God void in my life….I am trying to fill.

So today Father, I seek You. (Psalms 105:4)

Desperately seeking God

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

The Cinderella Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 23, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I happen to be scanning through some words written on a post today when I suddenly stopped. Something set wrong with me, very wrong. I could hear in the echo’s the utterance this person said to me months earlier; “The world is going to judge you and treat you harsh.” And now the “harsh” was staring me in the face. I guess I chose to believe in the Cinderella Story where the poor girl marries the Prince and lives happily ever after. I believed the world would not judge a recovering drug addict (recovering be the key word, right?) a less than worthy person as unacceptable to be associated with. But today, my eyes see the world as it is and not through rose-stained glasses. For the very person that said the world would judge me, is the very one that indeed was judging me from society’s point of view.

My heart is broken once again. But like he said, “The world is harsh.”

Initially, my emotions rolled between anger and hurt– The kind of hurt where tears welled up in the back of my throat. The pain was so intense my heart literally ached.  I wanted to cry out hurtful words.

But I prayed, instead.

“I prayed for God to touch me and to touch you. God showed me that you probably didn’t realize the sorrow you caused.”

How many times had I caused someone pain and not realized it. (Matthew 7:3-5)

I am reminded of who I am… who you are… and who He is…

I am thankful… (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Maybe I do have a Cinderella Life after all… (John 10:10)

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

Living In An Extraordinary World

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 21, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Some days I was living an extraordinary life in an ordinary world… other days, I was trying to survive an ordinary life in an extraordinary world.

Mostly, I would vacillate between the two.

Not sure which I preferred, I found out it really didn’t matter. I was unseen and forgotten a majority of days. Maybe I was too ordinary…. Or contrarily— in a sad sense.

It was a funny thing—my disease. I discovered one day quite by accident I could take “the pills and the booze” and they would make me come alive in my own little world (or so I thought). I was flying over mountain tops. I was finally somebody. Now all my days were extraordinary. “Beautiful”, I thought.

This time of ecstasy was short-lived, however.

The subsequent highs were never as good as the first. And it was not long before my body begged for more. It took more and more to get me to a place where I could just function as an ordinary person.

The disease is all cunning, baffling and powerful—it sneaks up on you. It bites you before you realize you are bitten. (John 8:44)…

This disease spoke to me… whispers in the night… lured me like a lover and then left me cold and alone.

Despair is a powerful motivator.

Standing at the River of Sorrow—the tears came and I finally surrendered.

“Good”, I say.

Today, I am an extraordinary person in an extraordinary world….

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

The Broken Spirit

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 3, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

But it has been a year …or so… I should be… I should be what? Over it? Better?

How did it happen that my physical body heals and the emotional body was left unnoticed –for a time? I was doing so well and then I hit “The Wall.” My emotional breaking point.

No reason, really. Maybe you said something to me, looked at me a certain way, it really doesn’t matter because the break was bound to happen with you or without you. See it had nothing to do with you. I needed this final fracture of my spirit.

Now, I have nothing left.

“It is finished.” John 19:30

My spirit I give to the Father.

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

Daydream Believer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 29, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Shaped my world were games of Eeny meeny miny moe, he loves me he loves me not and dreams of sailing away from my world with my make-believe lover.

Daydreaming, I believed I would be rescued from the Demons that danced and twirled in my pain-ridden world. I waited endless nights for my Prince Charming.

Restless inside, I drank the deep. I dreamt of another world of peace and happiness.

My secrets, however, would soon be found and the world had its way with me.

Daydreaming, I believe I would be rescued from the Demons that danced and twirled in my head.

Buried by my many walls, I walked on this side of the world.Thinking I was protected. Praying I was. Finding I only excluded my Prince Charming from ever finding me.

And then, my once sacred pearls scattered abroad. I had held on too tight. Now,they knew. I was exposed.

My dream world was shattered.

I never saw it coming. I never saw Him coming. The change was subtle.  My soft foundation shifted and I fell.

Only then did the Prince Charming greater than my wildest dreams reach down and pick me up. (Isaiah 9:5)

All through a Daydream Believer.

(John 3:16)

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

« Older Entries