Archive for Faith

The Sands Of Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing
Psalm 139:17-18How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!” Were I to count them, they would out number the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

How do you kiss the wind?

Or

Embrace the warmth of the Sun?

And what is it like to hold someone you love as their life passes by like the sand sifting through the fingers of a small child lost in play for hours at the beach.

Even if we tried to hold each grain of sand, some bits would slip through our fingers. We may hold on tightly vowing to never let go but eventually the winds, the water and our toil cause us to drop each granule of sand we believed to have held tightly in our grasp. And the specks of life, the ones we so dearly love, fall back into the hands of the One who owned them all along.

I am trying to grab the wind and hold on tightly to the force of nature given to me by my Abba. But I know the days are short for my Papa is calling one of His children home soon. My precious daddy is going to be going home and each moment I have I want to hold tightly the last grains of sand representing his life; this will always remain precious to me.

But I know that eventually the last piece of sand will fall from my hands and Our Papa will call. And my Papa will brush the sand off my hands and pick me up and hold me like a child not ready to leave their place on the beach, their place of comfort.

And in my sadness, I will just rest in the arms of my Papa….

To my sweet daddy….I love you (1940-2008)

To my sweet Papa, I love you

me

All The Kings Men

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 25, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

I sometimes think whoever wrote children’s poem suffered  from major depressive disorder. If not, then I can totally relate to this poem anyway. As a matter of fact, I can associate with a lot of the childhood characters I grew up with.

There is Eeyore, OMG, he was sad all over–and was probably clinically depressed. I felt suicidal just watching poor Eeyore. Seriously, something bad must have happened to Eeyore as a child like he ran off a cliff with a bus full of kids or something.

And then there was Charlie Brown. He was dealt with a heavy dose of real life. Charlie Brown demonstrated the struggle, pain and downright misery of childhood. He never received a Valentine’s card. His dog could not remember his name. He was always picked last for the team. Basically, Charlie Brown is a loser.

And last, there was Olive Oil, Popeye’s girlfriend. she had one of cartoon’s first eating disorders. She was an anorexic. She never even ate Popeye’s spinach (unless forced to when she was completely unconscious due to some villain–like many of us with eating disorders will do)

It is no wonder that so many of us are screwed up. Look at the cartoon characters we grew up with. Adults that were most likely crazy (OK clinically diagnosed) wrote the scripts. And thus predisposed us to what would inevitably become our future. No, I’m not saying the cartoons caused this…just saying that our world in which we lived in…

“All the kings horses…” The Doctors, Psychiatrist, Therapist could not put us back together. We became society’s misfits–living in hell within our soul–tormented constantly.

Gloom and doom. Our vision skewed by our depression glossed glasses.

For even on Eeyore’s happiest day (Birthday) he could not muster up a happy sentiment. For maybe, I am not much different. I always wait for the shoe to drop and if it does not, I will perhaps throw the shoe myself.

If it isn’t enough to worry…I worry about tomorrow when today hasn’t even passed. Old Mother Hubbard was so poor her cupboards were bare. What will I do if tomorrow doesn’t provide? Yes, I worry.

And then there is us alcoholics. Homer Simpson. “Beer” the cause of and solution to life’s problems.” He kids that beer is for daddies and kids with fake IDs.  My husband says the difference between alcoholics and drunks…one goes to meetings. I go to meetings. I am an alcoholic, recovering drug addict.

The Lord says, Worry not. Matthew 6:26 “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

I try to believe… to trust… I even pray about it… Mark 9:24 “…I do believe; but please help my unbelief.”

Today, I stumble, I fall and I wait. For the King—Jesus to put me together again.

me

How Will I Die?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on March 6, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

How will I die?

(John 3:15)”…that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life”

As A Hospice Nurse, I heard this question often. But this particular time I  held on to this question with a whole new meaning and a special love.

My sweet patient looked down at the floor wringing his hands, finally having the courage to ask me “the” hardest question, yet. I could sense something had been bothering him during the last few of our visits. I could see it in his eyes. “How will I die?”

He was an intelligent man so I knew he would expect the details. As I began sharing the process of dying, I could feel “A” presence overtake us. Perhaps may I  say that God filled the room. He took over the situation. Peace filled the apprehensive uncertainties that crept into my mind.

Nearing the end of my explanation of death and dying, I told my patient (and friend) that one thing I have noticed was that almost all my patients were given an incredible peace in the perfect time nearing the end. However, all my patients had been Christians. I had heard stories of patients passing that were not Christians that were less than peaceful but I have not personally experienced this, so I could not share that with merit.

He then said, “Well, I just might be your first.”

I felt my heart just sink into my toes. I had given him several Christian books to read and he had enjoyed them so I just assumed…. Now, he looked at me with such sadness. He told me that he wasn’t worthy. He had never led a life that God would be proud of. He did not attend church much. And the list grew. But he said, “I’m not a bad person. I just didn’t work for God.

I asked him if he had read the Bible or parts of it. And then I asked him if he believed in it. He said, “Yes.” I asked him if he believed that Jesus was the Son of God and again he said, “Yes.” So I did have something to work.

We went on for some time, God giving me the words, scripture and the peace to share. I finally asked my patient if the thief on the Cross had time for works, church and all the things he had listed and through his tears he cried, “No.”

The words shared were…Supernatural… and from our Heavenly Father…. I was a partaker.

He said, “I have some thinking to do.” And I asked him what he felt he needed to think about. I said, “Would you like to receive Christ as your Savior now? I can help you do that and I would be honored.” He nodded yes. There we held hands. His mom, a Godly woman, sat across the room. And we prayed to receive Christ.

I believe I heard Heaven rejoice.

Interestingly, as I shared this with my family (of course, leaving the name confidential), my 12 year-old son asked if we were going to baptize him. Well, duh! Why didn’t I think of that? So this week our Chaplain is going to baptize him. I’m not sure who is more excited, him or me.

How will I die? My sweet one, you won’t—you have eternal life now!

(my patient died 10 minutes after he was baptized)

As an addict, I used to think I will surely die and could not be forgiven but I was…am. I am His child. I have eternal life just like my patient.

living the supernatural

Connie

God is Good

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 11, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Deuteronomy 31:8 (ESV)
“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

God is good when…? All the time…? When good things happen? But when something bad happens what do we say “God is good,all the time”. No, not usully, we usually don’t praise Him during difficult times. Or I forget to or I’m too angry.

But conversely,there is a story of a young 5 year old child that really loved the Lord. He would loved to say to God that,, He was good,.. one evening  the little boy was in a horrific  accident and was left paralyzed. His spirit did not wane at anytime. The pastor came the next day to see the little boy. The child  wrote something in the pastors hand, “God is good, all the time.”

When I went into recovery for drugs and alcohol finally, God was answering my prayer, one I had prayed for,such a long time.The problem was He didn’t answer it the way I wanted. I became angry. I was resentful. It’s like taking a gift and throwing it back in someone’s face. That is what I did to God.

This boy was paralyzed  He found peace through His Father

i had to go through the nursing recovery program and lost my job. I ended up having to attend AA. How horrible. I was bitter. It took me awhile to see the god in God. Years later I have found this program which saved my life.  God is good, I met some of my best friends from this program. We support each other. We have to have about 60 years sobriety among us. God is good.

There is a little bit of  Good in the worst of us, and a little bit of bad in the best of us.

Romans 8:28

26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Through the good and through the bad

God is good!!

living the supernatural

Connie

The Saint Fallen into Grace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on January 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”(Matthew 7:5)

Did you hear about…? Or so and so…. Or I hear that another Pastor lost his…  Did you hear about Connie?

I cringe.

We are becoming desensitized. Or is it we are thankful that it is someone other than ourselves? But what about when it is us.

Oh, not because we are innocent although we might some times forget what our own “fleshy desires” might be.

When I fell, I fell hard. my flesh took its toll. I took a path of a non-fruit bearing life and yes, with Jesus by my side (See, Jesus never leaves us). I lived in the lie for many years which led me into a life of self-loathing. Eventually, I tried to take my own life. But God was not ready for me. I am alive but not without much pain. And there are always consequences of my choices. There will always be physical, physiological and emotional scars to me and my family.

I learned that another friend that I have always looked up to is not perfect. Imagine that?! Do you think the song, “Don’t look at me, look at Him” brings tremendous merit here?

I am always on my husband about his own flaws or one in particular. In hit me and hit me hard this week that it is not my place to worry about that any longer. Matt 7:5 slapped me so hard, I truly felt dizzy. For my husband has his own journey with Jesus and who am I to interfere? I thought what about my own weaknesses, my own problems that keep me apart from perfection?

Oh, flawless? That is right, we are not the perfection that God speaks of when He thought of Someone as the perfect Lamb that gave His life! Otherwise, what did we need Jesus for! And as in Galatians 2:21, God reminds us that Christ did not die in vain.

But I still wonder, so many people, Godly people are falling into the fleshly desires. Despair. Pain. Disease. Disappointment.
I have my own weaknesses that keep me on my knees, weak and praying. It keeps me forever giving grace to my friends and family as I am aware of my own limitations. The plank in my eyes help blind me to the pride I think I carry and helps me to reflect on an inner love that can only come from God. Spiritual blindness! Not an accident but part of God’s plan.

It is almost as if to say, in some daily reminder, we are nothing apart from HIM.

Daily we fall into grace. Daily we are reminded that we cannot live without HIM.

And as the battles rages… and it will–Satan wants us to give up… He wants us to give in and feel helpless, crying out, “Why bother, dear brother!”

On the other side, God is standing in, not surprised, not anxious but calmly waiting… He already knows where this is going….

You and me, all of US–Into the arms of our precious Savior…

As we–Fall into Grace, His Grace…

And when we stand before our Lord, we will know… we will worship… we will praise… HIM
He will only see us through the love of His Son and the forgiveness of the CROSS.

Amen

Connie

 

Demons and Dragons

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 6, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

 

The other day, my husband and I were talking about a time in his life when he was faced with a medical crisis. He could have easily died. Then we talked about where I was in my addiction at that time unbeknownst to him. He had no idea of the demons I was struggling with. Heck, I consciously was unaware myself.

Life is just funny like that when I look back on it…glimpsing at how intertwined and interwoven God has mapped out my days. So, hubby and I went on to talk about the what ifs had turned out different in our life, we may be facing a different time for our family now.

But we were one of the lucky ones.

Not just because my husband lived but because I am clean today– No small feat. No small miracle!

Some days when I find it hard to get out of bed and carry on, I try to remember that God has a greater plan for me. (Jer 29:11)

I don’t know what the plan is but I know what it has taught me thus far. What sobriety has taught me is I’m no longer quick to judge. I have been where most people will never go so who am I to judge.

I love deeply. I have learned to love past all the warts and scars.

I inhale the sweet aromas of fresh blooming flowers. I have come to cherish the vibrant colors and fresh scents they exude.

I now enjoy silence and the stillness of peace in the midst of Chaos. I sense the breath of the God Almighty.

The demons and the slayers of dragons—are shadows of the past.

Today I enjoy—me.

Beautifully awkward…

Love,

Connie

Be Still

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on April 29, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Sometimes… it’s about being still in the midst of Choas… (Psalm 46:10)

 

Love,

Connie