Archive for Victory

How Will I Die?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 17, 2018 by Her Broken Wing
I’m an addict, I can never be forgiven… Right?! I feel less than worthy of being able to do God’s work. How stinkin self-righteous that is! I know more than God?

(Luke 23:39-43)39 One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”

40 But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41 We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

42 Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.[a]

43 Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

John 3:15)”…that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life”

As A Hospice Nurse, I heard that question often. But this particular  time I will hold onto the question with a whole new meaning and a special love.My sweet patient looked down at the floor wringing his hands, finally having the courage to ask me “the” hardest question, yet. I could sense something had been bothering him during our last few visits. I could see it in his eyes. “How will I die?”He is an intelligent man, spoke 7 languages but lost that ability due to cancer, so I knew he would expect the details. As I began sharing the process of dying, I could feel “A” presence overtake us. I may perhaps say that God filled the room. I just know it. He took over the situation. Peace filled the apprehensive uncertainties that crept into my mind.Nearing the end of my explanation of death and dying, I told my patient (and friend) that one thing I have noticed was that all my patients are given an incredible peace in the perfect time nearing the end. However, my patients thus far have been Christians. Well, maybe exaggerated a bit. I have heard stories of patients passing that were not Christians that were less than peaceful but I have not personally experienced it so I could not share that.He then said, “Well, I just might be your first.” First what?, I asked. “First nonbeliever .”  HmmI felt my heart just sink into my toes. I had given him several Christian books to read and he had “enjoyed” them so I just assumed…. Now, he looked at me with such sadness. He told me that he wasn’t worthy. Well, I sure get that. He had never led a life that God would be proud of. He did not attend church much. And the list grew. But he said, “I’m not a bad person. I just didn’t work for God.I asked him if he had read the Bible or parts of it. And then I asked him if he believed in it. He said, “Yes.” I asked him if he believed that Jesus was the Son of God and again he said, “Yes.” So I did have a foundation to work with as I talked to him.

We went on for some time, God giving me the words, scripture and the peace to share. I finally asked my patient if the thief on the Cross had time for works, church and all the things he had listed and through his tears he cried, “No.”

The words shared were…Supernatural… and from our Heavenly Father…. I was a partaker.

He said, “I have some thinking to do.” And I asked him what he felt he needed to think about. I said, “Would you like to receive Christ as your Savior now? I can help you do that and I would be honored.” He nodded yes. There we held hands. His mom, a Godly woman, sat across the room. And we prayed to receive Christ.

I believe I heard Heaven rejoice.

Interestingly, as I shared this with my family (of course, leaving the name confidential), my 12 year-old son asked if we were going to baptize him. Well, duh! Why didn’t I think of that? So this week our Chaplain is going to baptize him. I’m not sure who is more excited, him or me.

How will I die? My sweet one, you won’t—you have eternal life now!

living the supernatural

Me

Seeking God in the extraordinary only to find Him in the ordinary

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 19, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Seeking God in the extraordinary only to find Him in the ordinary. I guess what I mean is God doesn’t have to walk on water in my life, but He just might.

God is in the messiness of my life (and there is plenty of that)! He is in the mundane parts of my life too, like washing dishes, finding the lost sock from the dryer, spaghetti on Thursdays, dusting on Monday’s, and so on!

I’m in a Bible Study now. Sifting God out the mundane and the extraordinary! Or so I think.

In my study, I shared (the unthinkable), yes, I was a drug addict. I was a broken women. I should wear a BIG scarlet letter. Who would want me? Who would…?

After the Bible Study was over, we (they) all broke away to a group or someone to talk with. I stood there a lone. I began feeling awkward like maybe I had shared too much. Then I vowed to never talk again in a group (Like that will happen). Then not very long after that an elderly lady came up to me and thanked me for sharing what I did. “There are many of us needing to hear what you said.  You are saving lives.  you’ve made people uncomfortable because they have their own issues.”

I reveled in the moment.  The moment that God had sent someone to confirm my sharing was not futile. It was a confirmation that God heard me but, sadly, I quickly moved on to something else, some other life happenings soon after. Why didn’t I embrace that moment? Sift the nuggets from the grunge. For that is where I find God , The extraordinary in the ordinary. But I get too busy and forget to embrace the moment.

In AA, I talk about a spiritual awakening as I work through the 12 steps and find or connect with my higher power.I, also, talk about being rigorously honest for the program to really work and to experience a spiritual rebirth.

In the beginning of my sobriety, I was still rebellious, angry and dishonest. So no wonder Jesus didn’t walk down from the clouds! My spiritual waking was very slow in transforming, not because of God, but because of my stubborn nature. I was a prodigal child of God.  (Luke 15:17-20)

I finally returned home to Him, but not until then did I fully embrace the reunion and not until a few moments of conviction happened.  Assurance  of honesty, forgiveness and repentance through the AA 12 step program. But, there is no finish line on this race. And I must continually condition myself through the program. Because as they (AA) say, the drugs are doing push ups in the parking lot waiting on me.

Anytime I call my sponsor (from AA) with a problem she says, “have you prayed”? Urrrrrhhhhh, I should’ve known by now she’s going to say that but I don’t pray. Sometimes, I don’t even know what to pray for or how to pray. Sometimes, I just want the answers to the problem, like in college getting the answers to a test. So then, I remember a book by Anne Lamott on prayer. Help, Thanks, Wow. When I don’t know how or what to pray for, I just pray “help”. Then step back and watch God, be God! Then I say “thanks, wow”. Pretty cool.

I pray, oh do I pray. And In silence, with people, from songs, worship, and words, I find intimate moments with my Abba. He always gives me the answers if I stand still. (Psalm 46:10)

There in the extraordinary is God in the ordinary.

living the supernatural

Connie

 

 

 

Parting of the Red Sea

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 24, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Billy Graham
The Legend
(1918-2018)

Estimating he reached over 150 million people with the Word of Christ

I was a little girl when I first learned of Billy Graham and actually saw him in person. My (older than me but not by much) uncle grabbed me by the hand and took me down to the “altar”. We professed our faith, or he did. I didn’t know what to think of all of it. Today I look back and I am sad that I didn’t realize the huge privilege that had been given to me. I do now.

As I got older, my grandmother would have the TV turned to Billy Graham. I would sit with her but I did not know what was happening on TV. Those times, those moments with my grandma, a time in eternity, I look back and I am sad that I didn’t realize the huge privilege that had been given to me. I do now.

My grandma is gone. I can still hear her voice. I see her face in my dreams. As I do now, with my father. He ,too, is gone. Sometimes in my dreams, I can hear him say “Connie”only the way he could. Today though, I look back and I am sad that I didn’t realize the huge privilege they had in my life. I do now.

Life before addiction. I wished I could remember. I wish I could do  my Life over again, with my children, before the drugs stole (or weren’t removing from my memory) the precious things, the important things. I wished I had listened to my dad. “Connie, be careful…” I thought that will never happen to me. I was a cowboy thinking I could play with fire, one more… Today though, I look back and I am sad that I didn’t realize the huge privilege that had been given to me before drugs.  I do now.

Christ rescued me. I am sober today only because of Him. Prayers. Prayers face down. I was at my bottom and Jesus rescued me. He parted the Red Sea. Today, I look back and I am happy that I did realize the huge privilege that had been given to me. I did then, I do now.

Christ loved me then, He does now.

And we cry, Abba!

Demons and Dragons

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 6, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

 

The other day, my husband and I were talking about a time in his life when he was faced with a medical crisis. He could have easily died. Then we talked about where I was in my addiction at that time unbeknownst to him. He had no idea of the demons I was struggling with. Heck, I consciously was unaware myself.

Life is just funny like that when I look back on it…glimpsing at how intertwined and interwoven God has mapped out my days. So, hubby and I went on to talk about the what ifs had turned out different in our life, we may be facing a different time for our family now.

But we were one of the lucky ones.

Not just because my husband lived but because I am clean today– No small feat. No small miracle!

Some days when I find it hard to get out of bed and carry on, I try to remember that God has a greater plan for me. (Jer 29:11)

I don’t know what the plan is but I know what it has taught me thus far. What sobriety has taught me is I’m no longer quick to judge. I have been where most people will never go so who am I to judge.

I love deeply. I have learned to love past all the warts and scars.

I inhale the sweet aromas of fresh blooming flowers. I have come to cherish the vibrant colors and fresh scents they exude.

I now enjoy silence and the stillness of peace in the midst of Chaos. I sense the breath of the God Almighty.

The demons and the slayers of dragons—are shadows of the past.

Today I enjoy—me.

Beautifully awkward…

Love,

Connie

A Force To Be Reckoned With

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 5, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Sometimes, I just get depressed. I don’t know if it’s my personality or real depression. I try to figure out what is going on in my head by telling my sponsor or writing it down. Sometimes, it makes sense and sometimes it just doesn’t.

Already I have probably lost you. But I will try once again to explain this. For me.

I have highs and lows in any given second. I yell easily, cry hard and am timid when it comes to love. I might hug you if I feel safe with you. I still feel awkward at times with hugging people if I don’t know you. I absolutely will not open up to you unless I have known you for some time and then it is iffy (as I share my life on this blog 🙂  ).

I get anxious over small things and hit the big things with a force to be reckoned with. It is the fear of little things that devour me and worry me to death.  I worry about things that haven’t even happened and may never happen. Then after I have convinced myself that the worst has happened like my son has been in a wreck, I become crippled with fear. Geez …

By now, I’m terribly upset and I don’t want you or anyone to get me out of this craziness I have gotten myself into. I am in mental lockdown.

So, I went to the doctor… and he gave me some medicine for this “depression.” Eventually, all was well. I am like the pendulum swinging in the middle instead of the extremes. “So this is what it’s like? To be normal?”

My husband actually decided he liked the new me.  (instead of his screaming, yelling, crying temperamental wife)

At first, I felt like a failure… Another pill… but my friend said, diabetics take a pill…. You have a disease, take the pill. Not like I’m getting high on it!!

I don’t cry as hard… like I want to be a blubbering idiot anyway.

So I look at it this way, I’ve been dug out of the ditch to have a fighting chance to be who I really am.

To be Beautifully Awkward.

And Freedom Rings

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 20, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Defective relations along the way have been many a cause of my woes….Not just the relationship with family and friends but God.  The further into my addiction I fell, the more difficult it was to hear the calls of my Heavenly Father…

Willingness to submit to God’s will was an awkward thing for me. In the beginning it was a conscious and painstaking effort. Then my awareness of this stirring became more of a discomfort and unease.  I was self-righteously right on all accounts in every relationship. This only caused more strife in my life.

Once I came to a point of complete brokenness, I had nothing left to interfere with the voice of God. Through my powerlessness, I came to believe a power greater than myself and I could hear that still small voice reaching out to me. (1 Kings 19:11-13) A tremendous love beckoned me. (1 Jn 4:10)

I had been my own worst enemy.

A few pills won’t hurt anyone….But it did.

For a moment in my brief life, I have resolved there is still time… time to clear the wreckage. I sift through the pains of yesterday. I pick up the pieces of scattered sorrows, some I leave.

Discomfort and unrest have now caused me to take action…my unmanageable life is now lived through the love of God…

There is a choice now for I am free.

And Freedom Rings….

Beautifully Awkward

Emotional Sobriety

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 18, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Being emotionally sober might be harder than chemically sober. I have learned a lot these past few months about myself. I have learned that I am self-centered, self-absorbed and just selfish. If God had said to me, do not eat of the fruit of this tree, I would have said, “Surely not, I am your chosen one…” and would have made an apple pie from every last apple on the tree.

 

I have seen the ugly side of my external internal war that rages within me. If only the “me” could retreat, the battle would be over. Peace eludes me. Self-centeredness is a poison in my emotional system. It creates havoc in my daily life. Fear sets in. Anger, resentment and self-pity become my guiding force. All this in the pursuit of happiness.

 

I have learned that happiness is an inside job. Life and circumstances outside of me having nothing, absolutely nothing to do with my happiness.

 

I no longer have to do the best Waltz on the dance floor, but only gaze into the eyes of my beloved as we dance. It’s not about people pleasing but enjoying life and the gifts God has given me.

 

Oh, I still catch myself seeking the attention of the world, atta-boys, but I don’t have to for my happiness. I am much happier when I don’t seek the awareness of other people. I have a choice.

 

I can finally sit and really listen to people talk to me without my mind racing around trying to think of the next story that will top theirs. A story that would surely glorify me.

 

Yes, my heart has been replaced with the Father’s heart….My quiet place…

Beautifully Awkward