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Praising in the Hallway

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 11, 2023 by Her Broken Wing

Psalm 130.5 “ I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.”

My dear friend and mentor called me yesterday and we were talking about where God has us. Some frustration on both ends. We said I guess God has us both in the hallway. 

As a woman having a baby, the doctor say’s don’t push! But the urge is strong and she wishes to push. Same as waiting in the hallway, we want to open the door before it is time. Same as it will be premature and there is a reason not to have an untimely opening of a door. 

What does all this mean?

Why hallways? Why must I wait on God’s timing?

God has a way of managing our life when we hold onto the hem of His garment. 

A hallway is temporary not a place to stay. Especially, when I see a door ajar. 

There are hallways in everything  such as Homes, offices, churches, even life….

 Hallways help protect us. Such as life. 

Hallways can be a hope of things to come. Hold on, friend. You will not be in the hallway forever. Your time will come. God is about to open a door no man can shut. Savor our time in the hallway, for the next phase maybe good, not so good or indifferent. But know It will bring us closer to Him. 

What have we learned in the hallway of life?

Waiting is not a sign of laziness. Nor has God left us. Are we ready for what is behind the door? Is God developing and maturing us to be ready for our next journey?

In waiting we learn, to “be still and know God” Psalm 46:10

Until God opens the next door, praise Him in the hallway.

Blessings

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She’s Back

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on April 2, 2023 by Her Broken Wing

Hey y’all. Yep, a little Georgia goes a long ways.

.For all of you readers and those that have left comments, I apologize for my absence. Like really absent! It’s been over a year and I am itching to get back in. So thank you all that have left comments. I will be more interactive. So bear with me as I get started back.

grace and love

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The Disease of Attitude

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 10, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

So I am  the child of….and an alcoholic…and a drug addict. yea, well so most days if you ask me how I’m doing I will say ” just fine” with seething sarcasm. I usually don’t realize I’m doing it.

Some (a lot of) my days I carry a chip on my shoulder. A bad attitude, victim mentality, and much of the time I think the hell out of something. So…isn’t it ironic that I would end up in Al Anon? I have two parents that are alcoholics, well were, my dad past years ago but he might as well be alive, the scars are there. So it’s no wonder I have the “disease of attitude”.

My attitude presumptively is, “I will be happy if______. I will be happy when_____.” I think this goes back to the empty promises my parents made me or silently made me or I wished they had made me. I will be happy “if” but the “when” never comes.

When I first came into the rooms of a 12 step program, I heard about a “Higher Power.” I thought,  “I have a God”. But where was He when I cried for so many nights as a child? I was a victim. Poor pitiful me. It kept my spirit occupied with bitterness towards others and myself. It kept me from getting better. I lived this victim role because it served a purpose. Not getting better would make mean I had to be  responsible, accountable and even grateful for what God has done in my life. After all, God was not a terrorist.  (Pg 35, Courage to Change). But was I ready?

I don’t have to live a victim anymore. Nor do I have to fear the world opening up and sucking me into the center core. My what ifs and when’s are here. So is my serenity.

And life well it just is…

me

In no way, do I represent Al-Anon nor is this an Al-Anon endorsed blog. The opinions given are strictly mine. Take what you like and leave the rest.

 

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In The Hands Of The Omega

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 2, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

(FYI I worked Hospice for several years as a nurse, these are some of the supernatural stories)

(Revelations 1:8) 8″I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.”

Some of you may say what does this have to do with Recovery? Everything. I’m getting there. So…

One of my nurses shared this story the other day so I only hope I can do it justice. She cried as she told me the story. I now know why. This story fills me with hope, compassion and promise.

Her patient told her last week that he was going to die soon, actually he told her which day and he was right. This little man had been sleeping a lot in his last days but on this particular day woke up to share with his family this extraordinary story. One that will give me an incredible burst of faith for years to come not that I needed it. Or as I like to call them “A Holy Spirit jolt.”

Anyhoo! The story…

“There are so many hands, I just don’t know which ones to take hold of,” the patient cried. His wife asked him to explain what he was talking about. “Mom and Dad are here holding their hands out for me. And so is my brother.” “I need you all to move away from my bed because you are blocking them from taking me Home. As the family moved away, a bright and shiny light moved into the patient’s direction. He then said, “There is Someone here now named the Omega, He’s sitting on my bed. He has come to take me. His hands are reaching for me.”

This patient had not been a Christian very long and did not know the Bible all that well. His wife went and got her Bible and read to him, “I am the Alpha and the Omega…The First and Last…” (Rev 1:8). The patient’s eyes grew wide and he smiled —before closing them for the last time.

His hand reached out… and he touched the Hand of God…

For the Omega… The First–The Last…had come…

Come, Lord Jesus.

Living the supernatural

Me

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Noonday Demons

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 14, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

The disease of addictions steals, it robs and it destroys. It sucks any and all resemblance of life as we know it.

Andrew Solomon’s book Noonday Demons describes the absence of depression is vitality. I have strived most of my life for some sort of normalcy but due to the fact I have never had that (normal), I did not know what to look for or feel. I would not know if life was ordinary or not as my striving for life I had wished for would ever seem on some occasion—attainable.

But today, the Sun arose once again as it faithfully does every day. Its warmth and penetrating rays, however, could not reach me. My world goes cold.

Even my bones are cold. I shiver to stay warm still on the hottest day of the year.

The arid pain blurs my desire to move, to breathe—the involuntary muscles of my body are now an agonizing effort. My world goes cold.

As in Harry Potter’s Dementors – “it sucks out all the happy-all the good memories are gone…” such a life and her circumstances.
Days become weeks, weeks become months and eventually the months become years. My years pass by. I am saddened by the darkened area I live and its daily dance of the Sun’s silhouette as she comes in my room. The Sun teases me by the shadows on the wall. The Suns outline waltzes all around my room as the Sun creeps through the sky as if spying on me. It is some ritualistic ceremony. This is only a reminder of what I am missing in my world. The Sun’s ghosts I know are demons and they tease me.

Is this depression in the likeness of death? Or is this lower than death?

An escape from the reminders of child abuse, rape, murder all wrapped up into a cocoon that has failed to metamorphic into a new life. God talks about new life. (2 Corinthians 5:17) But I cannot shed the old me. The old life overwhelms me.

A leap of faith! For me it is much like diving into a pool that is void of water. Dried up faith?

No, not really.

I hold onto hope. Hope of not even tomorrow but just for today.
Hope that the specters on the wall become reminders of freedom from my walled off prison of my mind. A new birth? Maybe so. Maybe hope is the new birth spoken of, I do not know.

But my hope today is that I dance with the shadows on the wall.

(Written by me August 2014)

In Him

me

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God’s Hands

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 8, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Ecclesiastes 9:1-3 The Message (MSG)

9 1-3 Well, I took all this in and thought it through, inside and out. Here’s what I understood: The good, the wise, and all that they do are in God’s hands—but, day by day, whether it’s love or hate they’re dealing with, they don’t know.

Anything’s possible. It’s one fate for everybody—righteous and wicked, good people, bad people, the nice and the nasty, worshipers and non-worshipers, committed and uncommitted. I find this outrageous—the worst thing about living on this earth—that everyone’s lumped together in one fate. Is it any wonder that so many people are obsessed with evil? Is it any wonder that people go crazy right and left? Life leads to death. That’s it.

My counselor challenged me the other day. When I was in rehab I had to write my life story. It was about who did what to me and why I ended up there, I feel sure, maybe, sort of, kind of. But her challenge was to go back through my story and find God in all those times. I, at first thought, that I didn’t  know if I wanted to let go of the victim mentality. Ok let that roll around in our mouth a second. What does that mean? Letting go of the Poor pitiful me. “She’s so amazing after what she’s been through”, just a lot of sick thinking. But then felt a tug at my heart. I remember times when I knew God was there. This would be an amazing exercise because truly it is what it is.

One story in particular I was 5 years old. I have to leave out the graphic part for protection of someone in my family however something very bad (understatement) happened. Child abuse is a mild way of putting it. Anyway….

During the event, I left my body. I don’t remember all of the event and it didn’t hurt. So while it was happening, I felt like I was floating. And I felt like arms were carrying me. I felt loved. I felt warm and embraced. Unfortunately, I had to go back. But I have always remembered that.  I know that was God.

I used to never tell that story in fear they (the white jackets) would lock me up. Well that has already happened so knock yourself out. Sorry little humor.

I know of some other times and don’t know of some but will find out where God intervened so I’m so excited to be journaling now. As my friend said, being a victim is not becoming, actually its ugly. It drains us and other person.

That’s all.

Living the Supernatural

Connie

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Palm print of Jesus Christ

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 7, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

 

I just started a new Bible study today With Tanya with an “A”. Hmm I don’t even know the name of the study come to think of it but we talked a lot today about surrender, true surrender. So here ya go.
Years ago I used to pray the prayer of Jabez. “Lord increase my territory…”, I remember that part of the prayer and I remember the impact. I also fasted for two weeks. I’m the most skeptical person out there but if you  (Me)have the faith of a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20) whoa, let it be.

Not long after this, my spiritual life begin to change. And I thought wow this is my spiritual awakening! Little did I know! It wasn’t. Oh I went through Hell. As a matter of fact, I lived in hell. I must of had a lot of pride.

1 Kings 19:11-12 The Message (MSG)

11-12 Then he was told, “Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.”

A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn’t to be found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn’t in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn’t in the fire; and after the fire a gentle and quiet whisper.

My life did not turn out the way I thought. When I asked to increase my territory I think I just must of had to live in the 40 years of desert. The desert is pretty big territory. Not funny.

I should have seen this coming but I thought I was invincible. Three grandparents and both parents are/were alcoholics and drug addicts. So it should be no surprise that I went into recovery for drugs and alcohol 2010, I would be so broken. I just prayed “God if you only…” you’ll have to read at beginning of Her Broken Wing  to find out all that.  I was an angry bitter person. I’m

I did not hear God in my hurricane.  I was finally in treatment.

His earthquake happened. I did not hear Him, Halfway through my. Outpatient treatment something devastating occurred causing me to become very sick. My eating disorder that had been dormant for so long surfaced. Oh but I said this was about addiction. Yes I did. I had been stripped of pride, of everything. I was suffering from PTSD. Having nightmares every night and hyper vigilant. And I was buried in shame and quilt.

God’s fire. I finally hit would I would call or what we in AA a “bottom”. I ended up in ICU for 4 days after trying to end my life for His reasons which I do not know or understand.I’m here.

Quiet whisper happened when I was sitting broken alone with God.  Wondering “who am I that I would question God’s handiwork”? His Son sent to die for all that stuff I was living and I was not terminally unique like I thought I was!

1) I sponsor other women in alcohol and drug recovery.

2) I also started a National Rome’s one and only outpatient  Eating Disorder Anonymous meeting.

3) I teach bible study at my church and I’m open about my journey

4) I am still broken

thank you for allowing me to share. Please use this for good and keep it sacred.

http//herbrokenwing.wordpress.com

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Oops, There Goes A Chicken

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on April 1, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Things I have figured out along the way…

  1. I believe God dances, I’m living proof…
  3. I’m a recovering addict…2 years clean….And some days I miss it.. the high…. Kind of like I’d miss being run over by a truck. Sick thoughts fill my mind.
  5. I believe in simplicity in life…. At the same time, I continue to buy more junk. Maybe one day my beliefs will align with my actions.
  1. I am now a caffeine addict and wonder why I walk around jacked up half the time or toss and turn at night. What –I give up one addiction for another??
  2. I’m a crappy Christian but love Jesus to pieces.
  3. I do nothing in moderation—it’s all or nothing!
  4. I don’t like being interrupted during a conversation … or ignored.
  5. I still hate lima beans. I’ve quit trying to like them. It just isn’t going to happen.
  6. I get totally enraged by rude people.
  7. I tend to occasionally get a case of road rage.
  8. I live with fluctuating moderate to severe case of ADD. Meaning you might be talking to me and I will glaze over—oops there goes a chicken!
  9. I always have and always will have to watch what I eat if I want to be thin. Just sort of sucks.
  10. I exercise faithfully but I can’t say I like it.
  11. I have learned to let go of the insignificant things in life, like not sweat the small stuff. Heck, who cares anyway? …That is when my emotions aren’t running riot!
  12. I don’t act my age. Maybe it’s a midlife crisis thing. But my brain hasn’t caught up with my age yet.
  13. I love organization…. I just don’t like to be the one doing the organizing.
  14. I still read signs and symptoms of an addict to see if I fit the diagnosis. I do.
  15. Sometimes I just like to say a bad word.
  16. I’m a little bit Gospel… I’m a little bit rock n roll….
  17. I’m a Divine intervention.
  18. Ditto
  19. I got rid of one horrible thorn in the flesh, addiction, only to find I have many more. I’m a sinner…
  20. Saved by Grace.

Love

Connie

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The Tainted Flower

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 12, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

This past weekend I went to visit my best friend. We go a long ways back, back to the days of nursing school. We were more acquaintances at that time but I knew who she was. I’m sure I hung out in the cool crowd and I probably talked to her on occasions. 🙂 After nursing school though, we worked close in proximity and became best of friends.

Over thirty years have passed with a lot of tears and laughter along the way. We have been there for each other through the good and the bad. She knows everything about me.

This past weekend was no different from any other. It was filled with surprises, reminiscing and laughter. We were sharing how she almost left me at a convenient store because she thought it was being robbed. She was literally pulling out of the store when I came out. I had to run and jump in her convertible as she was leaving the store. I have not let her live that one down.

Or the millions of times we have sung Stayin Alive by the Bee Gee’s totally out of tune. There was also the time we had people following us in the store saying, “This is the best day of my life” as they heard us saying it and because we were laughing so hard over our pig findings (she collects the little curly tail things—for whatever reason).

We are forever making memories and this weekend was no different. She had fixed dinner and fixed a great salad. I did all but lick the bowl. Now that I think of it, I might have. I asked her about the dressing and she said raspberry something…. I said, “No way, I hate raspberries.” So she went and got the bottle out of the refrigerator. She brought it out to where we were sitting in the living room floor. We were having a picnic. And there it was, “Raspberry Vinaigrette with …” “GOOD GOD.” I YELLED. It has poppy seeds in it. She sort of gave me this blank what-I’d-do-look and shrugged her shoulders. I was still yelling. “I’m going down. I’m going straight to poppy-seed hell. I’m busted. I’m… “I don’t know what all I said but I think I began talking in tongue. Her face was blank.

Finally, I said, “poppy seeds will give me a positive drug screen if I’m tested.” Then she started screaming. So we were both screaming. I grabbed my phone and started an engine search on my smart phone Google that was apparently smarter than me at the moment. But eventually I could say, thank goodness for Google. Yep, one bagel can give you a positive drug screen. I’m sure I ingested a bagel’s worth; after all, I licked the bowl.

So Iwas frantically calling every possible person I knew in the program. One said, don’t eat the poppy seeds. Well duh. By then, everyone was friggin freaking out. Yes, you’ll test positive.

The next 48 hours were hell. I waited for a phone call to go test, which never came. I don’t know how I was going to explain this.

So now my friend and I can remember the time she fed me an opium plant.

Love, Connie

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Safe Haven

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 18, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I would like for this to be a safe place for you to come and read—what you already know! We all need a place where we can remove our armor with the prayer that no one will shoot us down. We need a sanctuary to hide out and be ourselves.

Many of us are hurting. A lot. So we come here to cry. A lot. I have not cried much if at all in the past several months. Today I cried. A lot. Brokenhearted over my own inadequacies, I cried. I cried over the roads I have traveled and the roads I have yet to travel.

The Bible says, God “binds up the brokenhearted…” (Psalm 147:3) I often wondered what that meant, maybe because I never allowed myself to feel anything enough to be broken in spirit. But I know what it feels like to hurt now. I also know what it feels like to sense total peace in the midst of emotions run riot. I can inhale and exhale the presence of my Lord. I can smell the aroma of sweet rain and know it is Him. I can hear a song and know the words are God speaking to me. I can look at my kids and know God loves me more than I love my children.

Still sometimes I need to escape the chaos and be still in His presence. Whether I find a quiet lake to sit by or go for a brisk walk with my music, I find God there. He is always there. “Do you feel My presence my child?”

I am overwhelmed by His love at times. And His sweet aroma brings me to tears…

May we sing out of tune, paint outside the lines and dance the Waltz…

Love you,

Connie

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