Her Broken wing

(Job 10:15 “…, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction.”)

“Shame is a strong sense of being uniquely and hopelessly different and less than other human beings. “ (Released from Shame- S Wilson)

Shame partakes of my nightmares where I wake up, but only to realize it was no dream. I am standing naked before a crowd while others laugh at me. And dreams tend to distinguish the nucleus of our weaknesses’ therefore, being unrelenting night after night. I will wake up the next day and the shame does not escape me. Dreams can be so intense they leave their lingering effects for several days.

For me, I was driving a car and the steering wheel would fall off. I would lose control of my car. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. My life was so out of control. Just the like the dreams when I am falling off a cliff and never hit ground, in this dream I never crashed. But I think it was a warning. It wouldn’t be long. And the thought of crashing made me nervous.

Every day I woke up from one of these dreams, I would be driven that much further into disgrace …rattled because I knew exactly why and what I was hiding from and why my life was out of control.

My secrets made me ashamed of myself and who I was.  It was a painful place to be stuck. Thicker than quicksand—I had become my own victim. My drugs were my rescue. But it was ok; after all, the doctor said I needed them. How many times did I tell myself that?!

And the dance continued on. I swayed to the music of codependency, perfection and hatred– deep hatred, mostly for myself.  There was always someone prettier than me, smarter than me, skinner than me and more spiritual than me. God could not love or use me like this. I was worthless. (Psalm 44:15)

My codependent behavior was so powerful that it began to seep into every area of my life and relationships. I saw the effects of my life exude through the creases of the relationships that were unraveling. Codependency is a vicious disease in itself. Tack on addiction and we now had a concoction of a fatal mixture.

And so time came and went, another promise made and broken. I finally resigned to praying at all. I knew I would end up breaking my promise–again. I promised that this would be the day, “No more drugs.” But the evening came, I would succumb. Towards the end, I didn’t even bother to pray, nor did I feel the shame. I had given up. I had blocked out every emotion. I was numb. Numb not only to the pain of life but also the joy.

I was dead… absolutely dead.

Years and years of living as a prisoner, horrific bondage, tied to the lies that Satan told me… and the sad thing is– I believed him.

Finally, my keys were handed over — I could no longer drive my car–my life. I was done.

He did what I couldn’t.

So now, my car is parked…and I’m good with this…

The Daughter of the King...

This entry was posted on April 1, 2010 at 3:08 am and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Job, journey, Psalm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.