Archive for journey

Emotional Sobriety

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 18, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Being emotionally sober might be harder than chemically sober. I have learned a lot these past few months about myself. I have learned that I am self-centered, self-absorbed and just selfish. If God had said to me, do not eat of the fruit of this tree, I would have said, “Surely not, I am your chosen one…” and would have made an apple pie from every last apple on the tree.

 

I have seen the ugly side of my external internal war that rages within me. If only the “me” could retreat, the battle would be over. Peace eludes me. Self-centeredness is a poison in my emotional system. It creates havoc in my daily life. Fear sets in. Anger, resentment and self-pity become my guiding force. All this in the pursuit of happiness.

 

I have learned that happiness is an inside job. Life and circumstances outside of me having nothing, absolutely nothing to do with my happiness.

 

I no longer have to do the best Waltz on the dance floor, but only gaze into the eyes of my beloved as we dance. It’s not about people pleasing but enjoying life and the gifts God has given me.

 

Oh, I still catch myself seeking the attention of the world, atta-boys, but I don’t have to for my happiness. I am much happier when I don’t seek the awareness of other people. I have a choice.

 

I can finally sit and really listen to people talk to me without my mind racing around trying to think of the next story that will top theirs. A story that would surely glorify me.

 

Yes, my heart has been replaced with the Father’s heart….My quiet place…

Beautifully Awkward

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The Whisper of Stillness

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 26, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I am discombobulated. But my world is just fine. I have no real reason for this feeling. My insides are in turmoil. I am trying to pray for peace but even that is hard to do now. So, I have to tell You God, “I’m not doing too well on this spiritual flight…”

Chaos–the life of an addict.

I guess I keep waiting for something supernatural or some terrific explosion to happen as I go frolicking through the meadows of continual bustle and everlasting hopelessness. Commotion and lots of it… that is what I am used to. It seems disarray is when and where God usually turns up in my life—or so it seems. His presence is always needed for me to finally settle and to feel an inner peace.

I am reminded of this scripture,” 11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by. “ Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” (1 King 19:11-12)

God was in the gentle whisper…

I go back into another time in my life when my pitiful existence was crumbling like a stale cookie. I was walking through the exhibit at a meeting I was attending. A lady walked up to me and handed me a little statue of a child. On the bottom of the child was the scripture, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) When I looked up to thank the lady, she was gone. How did she know?

Now, I try to remember that when life gets crazy and when I am discombobulated to “Be still…” and listen for “….the gentle whisper…” of God’s sweet voice.

For that is when I will find my Heavenly Father ready to untangle the mess I have created.

Beautifully Awkward

From Ashes To Beauty

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 14, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

“…He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,…
   to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes, the oil of joy
   instead of mourning, and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair…” Isaiah 61


The Phoenix story is told that it has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.

While I might not have that long to live, in likeness, my short life I must die to live. (Matt 26:25)

So out of my rubble, I become something more beautiful than I was before. Free of the bondage that brought me to despair– That I too may be bestowed a crown of beauty.

From the ashes I arose to a garment of praise…

Beautifully Awkward

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 20, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
 
 
Be Still and Know (Psalm 46:10)
I heard a song the other day… “Slow dancing in a burning room” It really spoke to my senses… Like peace and surrender…
 
 It is also like the days I have spent swaying to the sound of the world as she went about her business– Chaos just happens as I scurry around trying to make it one more day. Maybe humankind finds one morsel of Hope to hold, enough to come back tomorrow.
 
I fight to stand for something– for nothingness is worse than doing something wrong. I see the ribbons on the door of my neighbors, my family yet I pass them by each day. I complain but I do nothing about it.

My addiction…stands for the years of hiding and blaming others– yet it is my problem. And if I am the problem, I must be the solution.

In my weakness I find…I have amazing strength.

God says…. “For it is in my weakness, He is strong…” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

So today, I surrender…

Today, I slow dance in a burning room…

Beautifully Awkward

Save Me From Myself

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 19, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

When I was a little girl, there were monsters that camped out in my bedroom. Within a short time, I had my youngest sister convinced of a devastating fate. This happened every night for a period of time. My precious dad set up a vigil in our room saving us from the monsters until we were asleep. Morning would come and the monsters were gone.

Years later, I was once again faced with the monsters of the world. With my heart-broken and shattered, my dad came to my rescue picking up every broken piece. My dad taught me the dance-of-life and chased away the monsters.

The road of happenstance had left me with a battlefield in my mind–a civil war. Monsters wreaked havoc in their words of unworthiness.

My dad has long since gone Home. He can no longer save me from myself and the world I have created. But he left me with his Father for I now face this dance with my Heavenly Father.  (Job 21:11)

Although I have tried to give up a time or two, the road always leads back to You.

And the war rages on, holding on or letting go… Father save me from myself.

Beautifully Awkward

Here Comes The Son

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 13, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

A new day has begun. I grab my running shoes on this cold brisk morning and head out the door. It takes a while before my breathing begins to slow and my body begins to warm.

I’m alone except for the battlefield of my mind and her raging wars. Once again, I try to process the events of my so-called less-than-perfect life. Once again, I realize no one really understands unless they have walked this journey.

I go to open my mouth by my words elude my soul. My memories have made me this way.

My praise is all but gone. I lift my hands and wait for You to take them. I raise my voice up and wait.

What meaning would faith have, if You saved me overnight?  I rest in that thought.

The Sun rises and I smile as I turn the corner. It reminds me that You sent me one more promise in the day.

Lord, I lift my hands and pray, here comes the SON.

Beautifully Awkward

Happy Birthday

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 1, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

 Today I have been sober for one year. I cried all the way to work this morning. This is no less than a miracle for me.

Somewhere down the road this past year, I had began to let go of the tight control I had on my life (which  ironically I had no control of) and handed it over to God. Subtly, I realized I was giving God all areas of my life– even the small things.

I have come to believe in a power greater than I.

My Jesus

Beautifully Awkward