Identity Bestowed

Identity bestowed

Who am I?

Walking throughout my life, running at times, hiding mostly from the arrows of pain, I do not know who I am—yet.

I sometimes think I should wear a shirt that says, “Under Construction.” (phil 1:6)

From stories told, I came into this world fighting. I have always been very strong-willed to my detriment. But little by little my fight has been chiseled away.  All my life, I let my identity be defined by others. What difference do I make in someone else’s life? …And when that goes awry, my false self rears her ugly little head.

I have worked to prove myself worthy. Did they notice me? No wonder I was so tired—all the time. When I was young, I was a major tomboy(ok, still am). But to prove my versatility, I tried out for cheerleading. It should have come as no surprise I was not chosen for the team. I couldn’t have kicked a bug six inches in front of me. When the call came, I cried. I had been rejected. I took it very personal. My identity was shaken.

On another occasion, it was Thanksgiving. We had family over and the kitchen was destroyed. I was young, maybe ten years-old. I decided to surprise my mom by cleaning up the kitchen. When she got home from wherever, she looked at the kitchen and just turned around and walked out. I was crushed. At that moment, I remember thinking, “I screwed up again.” She will never love me.

One more poisonous arrow to my heart. One more wall built constructed around it as I vowed secretly to not let anyone in–ever.

The truth is—we all want to be accepted, loved and feel as we have a purpose in someone’s life. That is a major piece of our identity, is it not?

My addiction was a temporary fix. But even the pain of the drug use became greater than the pain of life.

Through these storms that I have weathered, they have eroded the ugly walls of my spirit in which I had built and still build.

I have come to believe this is God’s plan. He works to find the sweet undulating center of my soul where He awaits…

He is my identity bestowed as a gift

Beautifully Awkward

One Response to “Identity Bestowed”

  1. Yes, He is awaiting precious one.

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