Her Broken wing

I woke up the other night and my left arm was asleep…so much that when I tried to move it, it flopped and hit me right in the face… I hate that because I know what is to come. When the feeling began to return, it was excruciatingly uncomfortable for a short time before the feeling did return. Within a few minutes, the hypersensitivity began. The pins and needles sticking into my tender flesh was only the beginning, then the feelings of a ticklish type annoyance where I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry overcame my mind for a time. My focus at that point was on nothing but the pain I was currently enduring.

When it was over, peace. It’s crazy. All that –and all I did was compress a body part!

So, what about the years I suppressed (compressed) my mind with the drugs and alcohol ( plug in whatever you want or struggle with)?  Truly there is no difference! I numbed my mind completely. Dead asleep. The longer my mind was asleep–the worse my recovery became.

In medicine, we give Novocaine to numb and prevent pain. For me, subconsciously I presume, I self-medicated with prescription drugs (as if this makes it more acceptable) to dull the pain of my insecurities and imperfections. Keeping my loved one at arm’s length as to keep them from knowing my secret–I am not perfect! Never did it occur to me that no one is perfect except Christ. And that God prefers us that way to minister to others. (2 corinthians 1:3-5)

And so the day came–My mind was clearing and the feelings returning…. Let me say–I’d rather go through a million arms and legs returning from its slumber than the mind. The pain can be unbearable at times. My mind  played mean tricks on me. In the beginning I was in a gray fog… Which I believe was God’s gift–protecting me from the physical effects of the poisons leaving my body. But then–the hypersensitivity–the roller coaster of emotions began where I did not know whether to laugh or cry! Some days, comprehending life was like trying to drink water out of a fire hydrant. It was just too much for me.

One day, I am elated the next day I wonder if I can get out of bed. Too often we “addicts” are diagnosed with emotional disorders when really our emotions have not leveled out. I am full of junk that drove me to disparity. I am trying to  slap my arm around as if this will speed up the process of trying to get the feelings to come back. Same thing– I try to rush my healing, I want it more than anything… but it’s not mine to fix.. It’s my Abba Fathers.  For I have been unable to focus–before today– so why should I think I can steer this ship? 

But soon, very soon, the feelings are returning–good, bad and indifferent and this is where I can begin my journey of having God remove my shortcomings as they surface.

The feelings of happy, sad, anger, regret, sorrow and joy return… the very emotions I tried to hide, suppress and remove…but now I will know them with a new meaning.

Awake my soul… Psalm 57:8

The Novocaine has worn off.

Beautifully Awkward

This entry was posted on July 31, 2010 at 11:18 am and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Broken, emotions, journey, Psalm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.