Archive for Hope

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Back To My Roots

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 10, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Longing…Desiring…Searching…to reconnect with my disconnected life. When did that happen? When did my life source die?

To brave another day, long past hope

Losing it all, from the world’s point of view (I thought); I really gained freedom and a walked through the doors of a new season. (1 Corinthians 15:31)  

　  

                                   For life isn’t fair.  

                                  Some times things don’t turn out as planned or anticipated.  

                                   Some times life is a playground of learning…  

Do I choose to come back year after year? Do I hide from the elements?  

Who is to say I have failed?  

I have circled back in my career… I am now where I initially started some years ago. Through my career longevity, I have made it to the top to only step off the platform, by choice. I was never happy in those roles. I am a hands-on / patient-oriented person. So, I was thinking lately about my career choices and feeling a little unsettled. Then the other night someone (God anointed) said, “This (recovery period) will bring you back to your roots.” It was in that moment I realized I had finally been brought back to my roots. I am very happy with my career choice–now. Even though the rungs of my career ladder had been removed over the past year by my choices, I realized there was a tremendous purpose and a plan.(Jer 29:11) Today, I am happy where I am. I am back to my place of origin–where God intended.  

Oh, the winding roads we must take to find that we were home all along.  

Beautifully Awkward  

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It Just “Simply Is”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on August 9, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

(Job 14:7) “At least there is hope for a tree: If it is cut down, it will sprout again, and its new shoots will not fail.”

So many days I have spent running, hiding, masking, disguising, chasing shadows of the past, trying to capture a ghost of something that did not exist —all for the pursuit of fulfilling my desires, wishes, dreams and peace…instead of  looking for the True Hope.

Which I later found—through a deep longing and passionate yearning, just “Simply is.”

Beautifully Awkward

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The Waterfall of Passion

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 5, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Our Blind Spot is the place in the visual field that corresponds to the lack of light-detecting…

“And the Light came into the world.” (John 3:19) 

Was I blind to this too?

The emotions abound– flooding my soul. I lived out of an emotional tidal wave. Somewhere along the way, this became my way of life. I thrived on the emotional ebb and flow– Thus, the seeking of others the attention from my highs and lows. Living in a chaotic state, I learned to thrive from this passionate world of feelings.

Then one day I found religion. I didn’t say faith, I said religion. I found a way of life. Working and striving to live out of a self-seeking approval of the Almighty. To no surprise, the day came when I grew weary of this life–too. No passion, no heart in this so-called place of ??– what was all the hype?

What next?

One day someone asked me –“Where is your passion?”

I froze.

I could not answer the question. The true passion that brings stinging tears to my eyes causing me to weep waterfalls of sadness or joy as I drop to my knees.

I was blind to the world around me, I had become (or always had been) self-centered, self-indulgent and lived in my self-pity. A blind spot to my Heavenly Father, for how could Someone love someone like me? Someone with no faith, but only the religiosity of  myself.

So I ran from God… I just didn’t get it.

And in the shattered moments where the darkness collides with the shady and sinister rearview images, the only scene left is that in which lies ahead…

Faith is all I have left… I have been stripped of the marred, scarred and obliteration of my tightly bound heart so that now I may be liberated to a new passion and new delight, hence now I bask in the Light—no longer blind to the truth!

For I have found my Abba in the waterfalls of passion.

Beautifully Awkward

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I Can Fly

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 15, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Broken, shattered and battered no more—it’s a choice.

I can fly…I take one small leap and I am flying above the clouds as free as the spirits surrounding me. I reach up and grab a piece of a white fluffy cloud.  I hold the cloud to my chest, it is a sacred moment. Spinning and twirling around in flight, I see my past, present and a glimpse of the future.

“I am free. “

I soar to a quiet spot and rest. There I hear the angel wings flap. They hear me pray. I hear them sing. I am at the foot of the Almighty. I cry a river of sorrow as He holds His hands out and catches my every tear. His tender touch lifts my face and smiles. No words needed. I feel His love.

“I’m not afraid.”

“The journey I have walked, You have walked too, You have been there. I see it in Your eyes—something I have sought all my life—understanding, hope, love sweet love so compassionate, so gentle and so warm. You know and understand what I am trying to say without me saying a word.”

“I want to go with You Father.”

Finally God Almighty speaks, “I am yours love.”

I can fly now–but only in the Hands of God.

Beautifully Awkward

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Lightning Never Strikes Twice

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 11, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Lightning brightens the sky. Heightened in a multitude of colors by its’ radiant heat. As a child, I stood mesmerized by the beauty.  It was magical as if the light danced in the sky to its own music. I have heard lightning never strikes twice.  I hope they are right.

“Don’t let it catch you by the window,” says grandma. “It can be very dangerous.”

My grandmother’s words resonate in my soul today.

The first thirty years of my life were very difficult. As all of us, we learn to just “cope” in this fallen, sad world.  So it comes as no surprise that an escape was offered to me and I took it. Numb to the pain. I lived there many years. I began to drown out the sound of my grandmother, “Don’t let it catch you…”

I had begun my life as a leper. Could those around me not see it– the shame, the guilt all over my face? The shadows around me illuminated by the brightness the hovered over me only made things worse. “Don’t let it catch you…”

“Stop” I cried. “just stop…”

If you run hard and fast, you can escape the sounds, the shadows….  For a while.

I grew tired and weary after many years … I began to slow down. The sounds and shadows caught up.

I had nowhere to go…less I die.

The lightning had struck… The heat was on. It’s beauty gone.

No longer afraid, I had lived the Hell of my choices.

I now stood in a brightness of a new healing…surrounded by others. 

Many with open arms… loving arms… and those are the ones that matter most.

They are the arms of Jesus.

 Beautifully Awkward

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Secret sins on earth are open scandals in Heaven…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 7, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
As a toddler, I played peek-a-boo… closed my eyes and those around me disappeared. 

As a child, I would hide under my bed so the monsters wouldn’t find me. 

As a teenager, I would lie in my bed and hide from those that hurt me. 

As a young adult, I began to notice the light growing dim…easier to hide my secrets. 

As an adult, my shadows grew… Relationships shattered, fences broken, fear prevailed, I stumbled through the darkness… 

My faith had been challenged. There would be consequences. Grave at times. 

Secrets thought to be hidden in the darkest corner of my place on earth were now open scandals in Heaven. God knew. The Light revealed my shady life. No where to hide. 

“When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: ‘Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son ever again.’ 

“But the father wasn’t listening. He was calling to the servants, ‘Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We’re going to feast! We’re going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!’ And they began to have a wonderful time. (Luke 15:20-24 The Message)’ 

I am back Home –such the Prodigal child. 

 

Beautifully Awkward 

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Peace in the Chaos

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on June 26, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
Standing on the street corner early one morning, I had an epiphany. The cars, the horns, the chatter of people— not paying attention to the silent figure. Chaos and lots of it. Busy life. The hustle bustle of everyday survival. Dressed in our best as to hide our dark secrets.  

  

I had lived in a world of chaos all my life. Turmoil was the norm for me. It was my comfortable blanket like that of a small child carried tightly against his chest.   

  

  

Soon I heard an unfamiliar sound–the silence,a quiet, a calm… I briefly closed my eyes and inhaled a strange aroma. Unfamiliar once again to my senses, I held my breath as if the sense was just an illusion. Afraid I would blink and it would be gone. I recognized by its definition– Peace–maybe.    

Peace in chaos.    

In the world of addictions, we thrive on our self-absorbed pain(s). We are selfish. Thus, those around us in pain are only a reassurance and confirmation to the sickness that runs through our veins. Their pain is an affirmation to an ailing world and one we must protect ourselves from, so we dull our senses. We no longer smell, taste or hear but that in which we choose. Addiction was my self punishment. Ironically as I tried to dull my senses, I was only  inflicting more pain.  The more pain I could inflict the better I felt. I was not worthy of a life of happiness. The Dependence of such substances (food, people, religion, drugs) became a tremendously painful cycle.    

Thinking back…    

I think of when I was a small child playing on the playground, laughing and carefree as I twirl around spinning until I fell down. I would get dizzy, wobble and fall. I laughed. When did I quit laughing? When did life become…life?    

Fast forward to an adult, my life was spinning out of control until I fell (again). Oh, in the beginning I tried many times to get up and did but only to fall many more times. Eventually, I grew weary.  Eventually, I stayed down.    

Looking up to the Heavens… just like I did as a child when I had spun around too many times…I lie there and breathe in. Tears form and trickle down my cheeks.   

I cry, then I sob—What now?    

So many people have had opinions. They stood on the playground and watched as I fell. Some judged. Some just loved from a distance. Some were silent. But–Some reached in and embraced me. Those are the ones that are now walking with me on this passage.    

Who leads you? Who do we choose?    

Would you fly with a pilot that had never flown the course? Or a sailor that now sails unchartered territory? Or what about the blind man as he tells you about a green tree?    

God–first…    

 God –last!   

Leave the people behind that hurt you… walk with those that will help you grow…    

Close your eyes…Now inhale the peace in the midst of chaos…    

Beautifully Awkward    

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Thank God for Wrong Turns

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 13, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night so thirsty you would drink the water out of the commode if you had to? OK that is a little drastic but it makes my point.

Some years ago, I was injured and in so much pain that I thought to myself, “I now understand how wild animals can chew their own limbs off when maimed.”

In other words, we will go to any means to rid ourselves of any distress. Whether it is temporary relief or permanent, our main focus is immediate relief.

Think about the young girl who soon blossoms into a sexually attractive teenager. She has the eye of the young men or anyone for that matter for the first time. She now has a power she has not had before. It feels good. She feels good. It is filling her emptiness, her void.

What about the teenager whom was the apple of her daddy’s eye. But she carried their little secret. She now finds solace in food. She is trying; she is hoping that no one will ever find her attractive again.

There once lived a child who dwelled in a fantasy world; in which she never quite outgrew the dreams of her youth.  She wished for the “happy ever after” for her mommy and her daddy that had divorced many years ago. She began to tell those around her the story of how it was to be. Soon she too believed it. Fantasy and real life were no longer separate. The boundaries of the two had been shattered and intertwined.

And then the socially unacceptable disease was diagnosed to those who would uphold the title. Drug addict. Alcoholic. Call it as you may.

All of these–addicts, liars, sexual addictions, overeaters, pornography, cheaters, gossipers, angry angry people, we are basically the same. Are they self-inflicted wounds?

I think not. Not entirely.

Rather, a point of grasping something tangible. It is the last possible coping means left, albeit, not that wonderful of a survival skill but a mere bridge between sanity and death on the current roadmap of our journey.

This is where we will drop our luggage, lighten our load and find the true pursuit of our purpose.

I would not trade this journey at all. Had I missed this turn, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am in a better place, and the sites are beautiful.

Thank God for wrong turns.

Beautifully Awkward

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Look At Her Butt

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 1, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Just look at her butt. Is my butt that big? Deep down I don’t care for this person so I jump on board and continue to diminish the character of this person until there is nothing left but to spit out the bones–unbeknownst to her.  The conversation is so derogatory that it would knock an Angel right out of its’ cozy nest on a snow glisten night.

Why must we do this to each other?

There is something about peering into the life of another. We are rubbernecking in a sense. We come upon a car accident; we will slow down to a snail’s pace.  We are enamored by the gruesome mutilation that devours the human body.  Our mind goes into the “what if’s”. We cannot remove our gaze from the sight for deep within us, the grotesqueness takes us to a place we dare not go …

Dark, cold and deep in the center core…is where we spend most of our life running from.

Whether we are the victim or the bystander, we are all but small frail humans. We desperately seek to be accepted and loved—at any cost. We would sell our soul to the Devil if it meant one moment of pleasure.  (Genesis 25:29-34)

We all have been there. Some are still there. We want to matter to someone. We would rather suffer in pain and agony than to not matter at all. This is why the Emergency Rooms are so full. Many of the patients injuries sadly, are self-inflicted or could have been prevented. But these patients are seeking attention. Or seeking the drugs to dull their senses and take them out of the  agony so they no longer feel. 

 What are we looking for?

We are looking to measure up, to be measured by and yet, when it comes to God we won’t let Him fill our measuring cup. We live in secret. We live in darkness. (Isaiah 45:19)

It is only in that small flicker of light, and where we can call out for hope in a newfound peace. So many people try to describe a God as one that is scurrying around trying to get His house in order but this isn’t the case. The Resurrection of Christ was not some desperate last-minute thought of God’s part to save the Hero. It was God’s original plan all along. His Son was and is our Hope.

Jesus is our love, our acceptance; He is our hope.

Beautifully Awkward

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Peace for Today

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 17, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Sometimes, life just stinks! We get thrown a curve ball. The only thing we have ever been taught  was to run and catch the ball.Gutter balls, high balls, foul balls, it doesn’t matter we just ran all over the field haphazardly with no purpose.

What if we tried a different position to life and stood in as the hitter? We now watch for the perfect throw. It means waiting–patience’s, and when a ball comes our way that isn’t perfect, we “Get out of the way!”

When we are thrown a ball that knocks us off our feet, thus lacking the power—that is what we refer to as the “Addict’s Dilemma.” I am powerless over this situation. Drop the ball and let it go.

This is the “Key to Serenity.”

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation–some fact of life–unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being the way it is supposed to be at this moment.” The Big Book


Beautifully Awkward…

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