Archive for Hope

Life Today

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on December 8, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

This is not a dress rehearsal…

Beautifully Awkward

A Touch Of Sadness- Conclusion

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 4, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

She could hear a scream. It would take some time before she realized it was her own shriek coming from the deep throes of her soul. Even now, she can still hear the sound in her sleep, in her dreams and in her waking hours.She hoped that she would soon wake up from this dreadful nightmare.

 She was not aware of how much time had passed before she felt a sudden thrust backwards. Life had grabbed her with such force it knocked her off her feet. She fell as she watched her life unveil itself. Soon, the streets were a haziness of red and blue lights. Voices were nothing more than echo’s in her head. She was paralyzed.

I sit back and wonder “How could she?” or anyone for that matter do something so horrible. But slowly, I think back to the time when I…

Was…

… am no different.

I have my moments of sheer terror and times in my life where time literally stopped. The world became surreal as I wondered how others could continue to go on about life in the midst of my pain.

It does not matter whether I caused it or “it” was a happen-chance, the result was always the same.

I look into the stories of your life and literally thrive off your pain– Yet, disconnect in my anguish. I was too afraid to veer into my life . To view your life, kept me at a safe distance from any pain.

Why don’t people stop and help others? Plenty cease what they are doing to stare and gawk. This only drives the sorrow of where I was— “Alone” to a greater depth.

There is a dark side to all of us. The touch of sadness is like touching my toes into the arctic water, it only gives me taste of that which is beyond my comprehension, pain and fear.

In this story, whether the boy lives or dies is irrelevant because we all have stories where he lives and dies. There will be some of us that will be disappointed and let down if he does not die and make this story even greater than it is. Yes, but most will not admit it. The dark side of our soul that wants to know we will survive the worst in life. So seeing it through the eyes of another, we can grasp something tangible.

I know that God says I will not have all the answers on this side of Heaven. Why does the addict live and the innocent die?

Maybe I am the innocent child, brushed by addiction, called to a higher plan.

Christ–He is my Light in the darkest places and shadows of my past.

Beautifully Awkward

The Weathered Life Part II

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 28, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
Turning her life over to God wasn’t easy. She had never trusted anyone. So coming to Him was her last desperate call-to-hope.
 

 

She thought to herself as she stood by the heater– her teeth chattering, “Why didn’t I stop?” The poison ran through her veins and the demons screamed through the cracks of her hell. But she could not let go. She would sell off pieces of her soul each day. Not until the horrible day.

She watched as her days washed out like the tide. Time was gone like the Sun as it set for good, leaving her dark and alone. Sadness had rested in her heart in places that she thought would never heal.

The memories still hurt and she tried not to go back there often.

He was only five. He loved her more than anything and he would wait like he did each time. But this particular day, she had too much of a bad thing. The drugs ran through her body. But she went home like she always did– anyway. She took the same route, although she didn’t remember it. She even thought, “What would she tell her husband this time?” She knew she would lie to him. And she knew he would expect it. It was their dance.

But this time it was different, she never saw him.

She had pulled into the driveway with tremendous speed. She underestimated the distance. Again. There was a loud thump. She figured her son left his bike out. She would scold him when she went in the house. She got out of the car and walked to the back of her car.

And there, at that moment, she would not ever be able to turn back the clock. She dropped to her knees and held her lifeless little boy.

The rest is a blur.

To be con’t

Beautifully Awkward

Jesus Passed By

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 6, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I was too late. Delayed once again by my procrastination. Now… I stood there wondering where the others were. I was alone…again.

Opportunities. Promises. Yet Again, disappointing myself and those around me.

The hopeless, the helpless, the ruined, the forsaken– Lost in my world of shame, onlookers shook their heads for they had given up. I have seen the look in your eyes. Something within me caused you great unrest. I touched a deep place within you that reminded you of your own weakness.

The sobering reality–some of us will not make it through life unscathed of personal tragedies through our own making.

(John 5:13) “…for Jesus had quietly gone away (had passed on unnoticed)…”
 
 What anguish IT WOULD HAVE BEEN if I had arrived only to find Jesus had already passed by. I had missed the most important moment in eternity.

BUT it did not happen that way.

My miracle has come in many forms these days… I am sober. And my miracle came after many disappointments. I did not give up.

And Jesus Passed By…as I followed

I pursued my miracle (Jesus) through my rubble, until I found Him.

Or shall I say, He found me.

Beautifully Awkward

Jessica’s Hope

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on October 16, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Our stories do not always end happily ever after… that is here on earth. For the disease of addiction is powerful and painful.

It is lonely.

She was tired and she lost all hope. When the hope was gone, she was done.

And in that moment, she took her own life.

The system had  failed her.

But God had not…

And with that “Jessica’s Hope” will prevail.

Beautifully Awkward

The Miracle of “Me”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on September 18, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

The Storm has subsided…There is a quiet stillness … a peace.

The grass is greener.

The birds scurry around to find their feast.

The Seasons have begun to change.

I take a deep breath and pray.

A Prayer of gratitude.

I have witnessed a miracle.

“Me”

Although I am hopeful for tomorrow, I am content in the day.

All Is Well.

Beautifully Awkward

Speechless

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 21, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Many years, too-many-to-count, I cried, “God, please take this “thorn in my flesh” from me.” But my prayer seemingly went unanswered. In the throes of sickness, I blamed everyone. I blamed my past, my parents, my family and well just anyone or any circumstance without really ever stepping up to the plate of onus to my disease. And not just the disease of addiction, but that of self. Self-centeredness, Pride, arrogance just to name a few.

The disease of the “Self” doesn’t just happen to me. Daily I hear it. At work, when things aren’t going as others would like or think it should, it is a constant battlefield of “life isn’t fair.” Life became unfair at the time of the Fall—in the Garden of Eden.) (Genesis)

The world became a sky painted of grays as a background to many living life of shattered hope.

Hope –Faith, being the sureness of “… what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1)

Thus, maybe my hope of something isn’t what I was expecting… but something beyond my wildest dreams.

Just maybe in the unfairness of it all awaits my God ready to steal my breath and leave me speechless.  

Beautifully Awkward

Back To My Roots

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 10, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Longing…Desiring…Searching…to reconnect with my disconnected life. When did that happen? When did my life source die?

To brave another day, long past hope

Losing it all, from the world’s point of view (I thought); I really gained freedom and a walked through the doors of a new season. (1 Corinthians 15:31)  

   

                                   For life isn’t fair.  

                                  Some times things don’t turn out as planned or anticipated.  

                                   Some times life is a playground of learning…  

Do I choose to come back year after year? Do I hide from the elements?  

Who is to say I have failed?  

I have circled back in my career… I am now where I initially started some years ago. Through my career longevity, I have made it to the top to only step off the platform, by choice. I was never happy in those roles. I am a hands-on / patient-oriented person. So, I was thinking lately about my career choices and feeling a little unsettled. Then the other night someone (God anointed) said, “This (recovery period) will bring you back to your roots.” It was in that moment I realized I had finally been brought back to my roots. I am very happy with my career choice–now. Even though the rungs of my career ladder had been removed over the past year by my choices, I realized there was a tremendous purpose and a plan.(Jer 29:11) Today, I am happy where I am. I am back to my place of origin–where God intended.  

Oh, the winding roads we must take to find that we were home all along.  

Beautifully Awkward  

It Just “Simply Is”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on August 9, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

(Job 14:7) “At least there is hope for a tree: If it is cut down, it will sprout again, and its new shoots will not fail.”

So many days I have spent running, hiding, masking, disguising, chasing shadows of the past, trying to capture a ghost of something that did not exist —all for the pursuit of fulfilling my desires, wishes, dreams and peace…instead of  looking for the True Hope.

Which I later found—through a deep longing and passionate yearning, just “Simply is.”

Beautifully Awkward

The Waterfall of Passion

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 5, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Our Blind Spot is the place in the visual field that corresponds to the lack of light-detecting…

And the Light came into the world.” (John 3:19) 

Was I blind to this too?

The emotions abound– flooding my soul. I lived out of an emotional tidal wave. Somewhere along the way, this became my way of life. I thrived on the emotional ebb and flow– Thus, the seeking of others the attention from my highs and lows. Living in a chaotic state, I learned to thrive from this passionate world of feelings.

Then one day I found religion. I didn’t say faith, I said religion. I found a way of life. Working and striving to live out of a self-seeking approval of the Almighty. To no surprise, the day came when I grew weary of this life–too. No passion, no heart in this so-called place of ??– what was all the hype?

What next?

One day someone asked me –“Where is your passion?”

I froze.

I could not answer the question. The true passion that brings stinging tears to my eyes causing me to weep waterfalls of sadness or joy as I drop to my knees.

I was blind to the world around me, I had become (or always had been) self-centered, self-indulgent and lived in my self-pity. A blind spot to my Heavenly Father, for how could Someone love someone like me? Someone with no faith, but only the religiosity of  myself.

So I ran from God… I just didn’t get it.

And in the shattered moments where the darkness collides with the shady and sinister rearview images, the only scene left is that in which lies ahead

Faith is all I have left… I have been stripped of the marred, scarred and obliteration of my tightly bound heart so that now I may be liberated to a new passion and new delight, hence now I bask in the Light—no longer blind to the truth!

For I have found my Abba in the waterfalls of passion.

Beautifully Awkward