Archive for Psalm

The Whisper of Stillness

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 26, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I am discombobulated. But my world is just fine. I have no real reason for this feeling. My insides are in turmoil. I am trying to pray for peace but even that is hard to do now. So, I have to tell You God, “I’m not doing too well on this spiritual flight…”

Chaos–the life of an addict.

I guess I keep waiting for something supernatural or some terrific explosion to happen as I go frolicking through the meadows of continual bustle and everlasting hopelessness. Commotion and lots of it… that is what I am used to. It seems disarray is when and where God usually turns up in my life—or so it seems. His presence is always needed for me to finally settle and to feel an inner peace.

I am reminded of this scripture,” 11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by. “ Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” (1 King 19:11-12)

God was in the gentle whisper…

I go back into another time in my life when my pitiful existence was crumbling like a stale cookie. I was walking through the exhibit at a meeting I was attending. A lady walked up to me and handed me a little statue of a child. On the bottom of the child was the scripture, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) When I looked up to thank the lady, she was gone. How did she know?

Now, I try to remember that when life gets crazy and when I am discombobulated to “Be still…” and listen for “….the gentle whisper…” of God’s sweet voice.

For that is when I will find my Heavenly Father ready to untangle the mess I have created.

Beautifully Awkward

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 20, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
 
 
Be Still and Know (Psalm 46:10)
I heard a song the other day… “Slow dancing in a burning room” It really spoke to my senses… Like peace and surrender…
 
 It is also like the days I have spent swaying to the sound of the world as she went about her business– Chaos just happens as I scurry around trying to make it one more day. Maybe humankind finds one morsel of Hope to hold, enough to come back tomorrow.
 
I fight to stand for something– for nothingness is worse than doing something wrong. I see the ribbons on the door of my neighbors, my family yet I pass them by each day. I complain but I do nothing about it.

My addiction…stands for the years of hiding and blaming others– yet it is my problem. And if I am the problem, I must be the solution.

In my weakness I find…I have amazing strength.

God says…. “For it is in my weakness, He is strong…” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

So today, I surrender…

Today, I slow dance in a burning room…

Beautifully Awkward

The Novocaine Has Worn Off

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 31, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I woke up the other night and my left arm was asleep…so much that when I tried to move it, it flopped and hit me right in the face… I hate that because I know what is to come. When the feeling began to return, it was excruciatingly uncomfortable for a short time before the feeling did return. Within a few minutes, the hypersensitivity began. The pins and needles sticking into my tender flesh was only the beginning, then the feelings of a ticklish type annoyance where I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry overcame my mind for a time. My focus at that point was on nothing but the pain I was currently enduring.

When it was over, peace. It’s crazy. All that –and all I did was compress a body part!

So, what about the years I suppressed (compressed) my mind with the drugs and alcohol ( plug in whatever you want or struggle with)?  Truly there is no difference! I numbed my mind completely. Dead asleep. The longer my mind was asleep–the worse my recovery became.

In medicine, we give Novocaine to numb and prevent pain. For me, subconsciously I presume, I self-medicated with prescription drugs (as if this makes it more acceptable) to dull the pain of my insecurities and imperfections. Keeping my loved one at arm’s length as to keep them from knowing my secret–I am not perfect! Never did it occur to me that no one is perfect except Christ. And that God prefers us that way to minister to others. (2 corinthians 1:3-5)

And so the day came–My mind was clearing and the feelings returning…. Let me say–I’d rather go through a million arms and legs returning from its slumber than the mind. The pain can be unbearable at times. My mind  played mean tricks on me. In the beginning I was in a gray fog… Which I believe was God’s gift–protecting me from the physical effects of the poisons leaving my body. But then–the hypersensitivity–the roller coaster of emotions began where I did not know whether to laugh or cry! Some days, comprehending life was like trying to drink water out of a fire hydrant. It was just too much for me.

One day, I am elated the next day I wonder if I can get out of bed. Too often we “addicts” are diagnosed with emotional disorders when really our emotions have not leveled out. I am full of junk that drove me to disparity. I am trying to  slap my arm around as if this will speed up the process of trying to get the feelings to come back. Same thing– I try to rush my healing, I want it more than anything… but it’s not mine to fix.. It’s my Abba Fathers.  For I have been unable to focus–before today– so why should I think I can steer this ship? 

But soon, very soon, the feelings are returning–good, bad and indifferent and this is where I can begin my journey of having God remove my shortcomings as they surface.

The feelings of happy, sad, anger, regret, sorrow and joy return… the very emotions I tried to hide, suppress and remove…but now I will know them with a new meaning.

Awake my soul… Psalm 57:8

The Novocaine has worn off.

Beautifully Awkward

The Peeled Onion

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 24, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

My Journey–began the day I was born– From the very first touch of my momma’s arms and my daddy’s gaze, to today with every passing stranger’s glance. My life is eternal in that I will not perfect this walk until I stand before my Lord in His Holy presence.

I was talking to my sponsor today about things I am working on in my life that drove me to the disparity of drugs and she said, “This will be like peeling back an onion-layer by layer.” Each layer I will hand over to Abba.

Layer by layer–every layer of doubt and confusion, every layer of old beliefs, every layer of emotions, disappointments, hurt, resentment, discontent, loneliness and despondency. Until I reach the center of the onion–where the sweetness of the fruit is. It is the center of my heartbeat– my life.

How do I separate my heart from the throbbing, undulating emotions that force me into this giant roller-coaster ride called–life? Life where there is inconsiderate and sometimes downright mean actions against me?

I don’t.

Because this is where the middle of our soul, the heartbeat of our center of being is –where the “quiet and confidant” will shine for His glory.

If it were not for the outside circumstances bruising my tender skin, I may never have peeled and removed  each layer to get to that sweet precious center– to the place where my Lord awaits me.

For this is the journey I was called to…not that I would fall but that I would rise up again and bring glory to Him.

“O God, my heart is quiet and confident. No wonder I can sing Your praises…” Psalm 57:7

Beautifully Awkward

The Occasional Power Outage

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 22, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Living on a diet of tears, I cried the blues… Where was my Maker? My God? Psalm 6:6

Tormented, I tossed and turned through the darkest part of the night. Sleepless nights became long…And soon the days became dark. The Moon faded and the Sun withered away.  

Nights were always the loneliest… The world hushed as she slept, while the quiet stillness haunted my restless spirit. The taunting voices spoke when no one was around—injecting doses of shame and guilt deep within. Mornings would come but not soon enough. Then the same raging war within me began all over.

My compass had broken long ago– I was so lost. I somehow managed to walk through the darkness of my life fumbling and feeling my way around– Only because I did this on my own. I did not seek help from anyone. It was a self-worth or lack-of problem for me.

The sad thing—is all I had to do was turn on the switch and the room would be illuminated. But that was too easy. It took another person handing me a new compass to find my way around the still dark part of my life I had led for a long time.

Eventually, but for the grace of God–the light came on. The Moon lit up. The Sun began to shine. And my Abba Father gathered my tears. Isaiah 25:8

I now sing a new song.  Psalm 33:3

Most days…

But I still have the occasional power outage…

Beautifully Awkward

What Becomes of The Broken-Hearted

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 4, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Temptation is a powerful drug. It comes at us from all angles. It is our desire to have these things in which we are told we cannot have. I might let in a little desire here and there, what can it hurt? And that is how it all began.

Slowly, the drug use crept into my life. If someone else didn’t make excuses for my behavior, I did. See, it was being managed by a doctor. So it had to be OK.

Without warning, it became like trying to close a door during a hurricane.

Satan knows what entices us and where to knock us to our knees in the face of our tears of shame and regrets. He comes in adorned in his beauty, in such a way with his smooth talking to get his way.

Life passes on moment by moment leaving us to cypher out the resemblance of our so-called life.

Morning comes—I did it again. On my knees, I cry out, “Why Father?” I wonder if God can even hear me. I wonder if He is even here anymore. How could He be? I would have given up on me long ago. These are the voices I keep hearing.

Days become months, months become years. I was too tired of trying.

Eventually, I was so weary — I gave up! (Psalm 51:17)

It was then I believe I heard God boldly say, “Finally. I have you where I want you.”

I had been standing in the way…

and God had been waiting to wrap up my Broken-Heart…

Beautifully Awkward

Divine Sparks

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 28, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Who Am I?

So many times I have been uncertain of who I was and now–who I will be. But I am reminded that I was born with a purpose and a plan. (Psalm 139)

It was in a split nanosecond of time in which my soul ignited at its’ entry into earth where I then became a Divine Spark— that is who I am.

Somewhere along my journey, I had become distracted by the physical, the mental and the emotional desires that steered me off the path of my original destiny.

How do I find my way back home where insanity does not prevail? For”I am the way, the truth, and the life.”(John 14:6)

Soon we will all become one. (1 Corinthians 12:17-19” … And if they were all one member, where were the body? But now they are many members, but one body”) 

 Yes, we are Divine Sparks waiting to light the soul next to us.

Live and light on..

Beautifully Awkward

The Back Door Friend

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 10, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

There are not too many of us– students of life–that would willingly sign up for Humility 101. As with any degree, we might take biology to become a teacher or numerous anatomy and chemistry classes to become a nurse, and so on. My life as a nurse, counselor, mother, and wife worked for me for a long time.

So signing up for any additional classes was not anything I was looking to do. But somewhere down the road, I must have inadvertently signed up for Humility 101. It took my addiction– thus me graduating with a degree in humility. Oh, I didn’t willingly sign up for these classes –Humble Pie. My addiction came decorated in a pretty package where I only later found the profound ugliness of my arrogance.

So back to the original question, would I have ever signed up for Humility 101?

No, my attendance to Humility 101 was through the back door only by  submission of my unwilling soul as I became truly humble.  As a result, I suffered severe pain from humility through my actions and their consequences. The beginnings of my classes were a smooth, sly, and painstaking process of the disease called — addiction. My dependence came in quietly through the back door. At first, my pill was occasional taken outside of what it was intended for. My drugs became inviting as my neighbor, friendly in a sort. Soon, her visits became more regular. Without realizing what was happening, my friend became a daily visitor. I soon anticipated this visit with great shame. I would justify my use of mommy’s little helpers till the rain had turned to snow and the nights were long and cold. There was no turning back.

One day, I looked out the back door as if waiting for a visit. I had not had a visit from “her” in a day or two so I begin to pace the floor. My family asked if I was OK.  “What are you looking for?” they asked.  I would tell them I was just fine.  But inside my soul, I was screaming. I was frantic. Where are my drugs? No, I was not waiting on an illegal delivery. Usually I was waiting on a call from my dear doctor– who always came through.

Had I come to this?

Yes.

I had now completed Humility 101. I was so humiliated by my actions. There I stood at the back door crying at the lowness of my so-called life. Only there would be no degree here.  No graduation ceremony to stand up for. I will not be sending out invitations. I might as well have been lost on some deserted island. I was so alone. But that was my choice. I did not want to tell anyone. I let no one into my world.

Eventually, I had no choice. I stood up and said, “I have a problem. I am sick.” I hear that is the first step– that we are powerless over our disease. And hand it over to God.

(Psalm 34:18)

Today, when I stand at the back door, I see the beautiful flowers I have planted. I breathe the fresh air God has gifted me with. I turn around and see my family that I am entrusted to.

Humility 101 is not so bad.

The ~Wave~ of Grief

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 5, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Grief is an unpredictable creature of life. Grief is a common response to a significant loss to someone or something in one’s life. Grief occurs after the death of someone close to us but this intense emotion can also occur after the loss of a job, bankruptcy, or a sudden life style change. Grief comes in all shapes, forms and fashions. And most of all, there is no expiration date to grief. Many  well-meaning people in my life have said, it takes time,  God has a plan or you will be stronger for this. These statements were all well and good but it did not stop the flood of pain as I grieved.  And as time moved on in my life, I continued to have difficult days, hearing in the background from those same people, “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?”  If you have suffered a trauma or loss, you understand grief has no end and can rear its’ ugly head at any time.

My reaction to grief really manifested itself when, after years of using prescribed drugs, I was suddenly forced to stop or suffer grave consequences. The truth was that I suffered most of the consequences anyway but I saved my life.

Choosing to stop self-medicating, I quickly went through the process of an emotional and physical adjustment when I came off the drugs. Not only was I changing my life dramatically but I subsequently lost my job thus causing an uncertain financial trauma stress on my family. I now had to contend with a severe medical condition for the remainder of my life. It was not going to be a drive through fix-it like I had first thought it to be. I had more doctors involved in my care now even though my insurance paid very little– on top of a dwindling bank account.

The paradox of it all is that after all the years where I believed to have led this secret life, I was now being placed under a microscope and completely exposed for the world to see. In the beginning, I cried. And I cried a lot! I had my share of temper tantrums as well.  It brought a whole new meaning to hissy-fit. And I asked the “Why me?”  question more times than you can ever imagine. I was angry. I would go from shock, numb, sad, guilt, anxious and downright angry in a matter of zero to thirty seconds before you could blink your eye. Standing before you could be a completely different person each time you opened your eyes. My once  little numb world was now feeling every little pain — and it hurt.

My life was surreal.

I kept praying I would wake up and it was just a bad dream. But each day, I opened my eyes and there it was– reality. I appreciated that this was my life and what I had made of it. Each day, I would get up only to get knocked back down before the day was over. One day I had memory of a trip to the beach where I stood at the shore as I walked into the waves.  The waves grew bigger and as they bellowed up with tremendous force would knock me down each time. Worn out I would finally stay down and let the wave take me back into the shore. I grew too weary to fight. This sounded so much like my life now.

I thought a lot about that day at the beach and how much of a life lesson it was. So many times, I want to fight against what is going on in my life. I try to stand up and fight against the obstacles thrown in my path instead of just waiting and riding the wave out.

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation. (Psalm 5:3)

Waiting is hard. But it is all I have left– much like riding the wave into shore.

Beautifully Awkward

Valet Parking

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 1, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

(Job 10:15 “…, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction.”)

“Shame is a strong sense of being uniquely and hopelessly different and less than other human beings. “ (Released from Shame- S Wilson)

Shame partakes of my nightmares where I wake up, but only to realize it was no dream. I am standing naked before a crowd while others laugh at me. And dreams tend to distinguish the nucleus of our weaknesses’ therefore, being unrelenting night after night. I will wake up the next day and the shame does not escape me. Dreams can be so intense they leave their lingering effects for several days.

For me, I was driving a car and the steering wheel would fall off. I would lose control of my car. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. My life was so out of control. Just the like the dreams when I am falling off a cliff and never hit ground, in this dream I never crashed. But I think it was a warning. It wouldn’t be long. And the thought of crashing made me nervous.

Every day I woke up from one of these dreams, I would be driven that much further into disgrace …rattled because I knew exactly why and what I was hiding from and why my life was out of control.

My secrets made me ashamed of myself and who I was.  It was a painful place to be stuck. Thicker than quicksand—I had become my own victim. My drugs were my rescue. But it was ok; after all, the doctor said I needed them. How many times did I tell myself that?!

And the dance continued on. I swayed to the music of codependency, perfection and hatred– deep hatred, mostly for myself.  There was always someone prettier than me, smarter than me, skinner than me and more spiritual than me. God could not love or use me like this. I was worthless. (Psalm 44:15)

My codependent behavior was so powerful that it began to seep into every area of my life and relationships. I saw the effects of my life exude through the creases of the relationships that were unraveling. Codependency is a vicious disease in itself. Tack on addiction and we now had a concoction of a fatal mixture.

And so time came and went, another promise made and broken. I finally resigned to praying at all. I knew I would end up breaking my promise–again. I promised that this would be the day, “No more drugs.” But the evening came, I would succumb. Towards the end, I didn’t even bother to pray, nor did I feel the shame. I had given up. I had blocked out every emotion. I was numb. Numb not only to the pain of life but also the joy.

I was dead… absolutely dead.

Years and years of living as a prisoner, horrific bondage, tied to the lies that Satan told me… and the sad thing is– I believed him.

Finally, my keys were handed over — I could no longer drive my car–my life. I was done.

He did what I couldn’t.

So now, my car is parked…and I’m good with this…

The Daughter of the King...