Archive for journey

Safe Haven

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 18, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I would like for this to be a safe place for you to come and read—what you already know! We all need a place where we can remove our armor with the prayer that no one will shoot us down. We need a sanctuary to hide out and be ourselves.

Many of us are hurting. A lot. So we come here to cry. A lot. I have not cried much if at all in the past several months. Today I cried. A lot. Brokenhearted over my own inadequacies, I cried. I cried over the roads I have traveled and the roads I have yet to travel.

The Bible says, God “binds up the brokenhearted…” (Psalm 147:3) I often wondered what that meant, maybe because I never allowed myself to feel anything enough to be broken in spirit. But I know what it feels like to hurt now. I also know what it feels like to sense total peace in the midst of emotions run riot. I can inhale and exhale the presence of my Lord. I can smell the aroma of sweet rain and know it is Him. I can hear a song and know the words are God speaking to me. I can look at my kids and know God loves me more than I love my children.

Still sometimes I need to escape the chaos and be still in His presence. Whether I find a quiet lake to sit by or go for a brisk walk with my music, I find God there. He is always there. “Do you feel My presence my child?”

I am overwhelmed by His love at times. And His sweet aroma brings me to tears…

May we sing out of tune, paint outside the lines and dance the Waltz…

Love you,

Connie

The Angel Tears

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 14, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

We are all recovering from something whether it is abuse of food, booze or just being a jerk. The difference in all of us is we are either “recovering” or active in our addiction? One thing for sure, we are all the same and all in this together.

So Dear Hope,

I have been in your shoes not too long ago. I woke up swearing I would never do this again and meant it. I have cried, screamed and begged to die with the realization that my life as I once knew it, was over. I have slid out of bed and ran to the bathroom to throw up one more time, crawled into the shower and hung my head low as shame wreaked through my mind, body and soul.

Sick from withdrawing, panicked from wondering where my next fix would come and confused about how I came to this place, I knew I was at my rock bottom. Praise God, there was nowhere to go but up. The Angel tears were dipped in happiness as they danced and as I was offered the gift of my addiction. Yes, as sick as it sounded, my addiction was a gift. And I have found myself dissecting my soul trying to figure this one out. What the heck?

 

When I first got sober, it was like my arm waking up from being asleep. It was painful and strange. The pins and needles are like sadness over things lost, fear of the unknown and anger over the disease. After being numb for so long, I started to feel all my emotions at one time and it exploded like a nuclear plant. There is really nothing I could do but go through the pain until the feeling came back.

 

What matters most of all though… is that I got sober. I owe no explanation to the world. For being sober is enough, I am enough. God says so.

So today, I get up, put on make up, go to work, go to a meeting with other addicts and share our experience, strength and hope and I pray. I pray. I pray.

I am a recovering addict and I am proud of this badge I wear.

Beautifully Awkward

Sober Nuggets

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 11, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

It is colder than a witches hinny outside today so I have stayed indoors. I have a roaring fire and soup on the stove. My family is watching sports, oh joy! And I am sitting here on the computer talking to you.

Without thinking, I thought wouldn’t it be nice to fix a martini to warm my body? (Did I mention–I don’t even like martini’s) but I romanced the thought…briefly. Then it hit me, I can’t do that. “You are an ALCOHOLIC!” my inner voice shouted…… Well ain’t that just great.

I still have trouble believing that… I’m an addict…or an alcoholic…. It is like I will wake up any time from a bad dream. I pinch myself. Nope, I’m awake.

*Sigh*

God, why did this happen to me?

Silence…

Hello there? I know You hear me!

Well just fine then, ignore me…I’m not trying to be a jerk here but really why me? why this? So what if I drink. You don’t seem to care.

Are you listening to me?

If you don’t’ answer me, I’ll sing the song you hate,,, the one where my voice is in high pitch. I’ll quit the choir. Oh I already did. Well I will not teach Sunday School tomorrow…I’m just trying to get your attention.

And then I hear God say (not like audibly or anything) “I hear every word you say. Why are you so upset?”

Because today I want a drink, it’s cold and I want to drink.

“Do you really? Or is it because you can’t have one that you want to drink?”

I don’t know. I don’t really want one but if I did…

“That is what I thought…” God, “So what do you want?”

I want You to…

“Child, you want to be understood…to be loved and that you are.”

“My beloved…”

Beautifully Awkward

My Grace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 8, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Somewhere in the middle of whom I was and who I am, the play ground of my mind resonates with reckless abandon. Leaving me between my common sense and intellect.  Like the teetering of a child’s seesaw, I waiver on my position in God’s world.

Who am I? Who does God want me to be? More so, what have I become? And I ponder the thought. Is my faith in the shallow end or have I been immersed into the deep? Do I listen to the roar of His call or to His still small voice? (1 Kings 19:11-13)

Some days I am content and some days I want more. And in those days, I reach up and grab a hold.

Truth is… I don’t regret where I’ve been for it has led me to the road I’m on today. A road less traveled—some would say. For sure, some would not have. But it is the thorn to bear and it is mine. And I will know that no matter how tough things get, I will hear the Father‘s voice…..

 So for who I may become, I give praise…and if I forget to say thank you…Your grace astounds me.

That you may find me in my chosen place; and I may hear the Father say, “My Grace.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Beautifully Awkward

Outside Looking In

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 21, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I had a friend ask me last night, “How have you done it?”

“Huh?” bewildered.

“You have your act together and have done so well.” It was all I could do to not laugh out loud. If she or anyone else knew the truth. The days I have spent in my counselors office crying, I just don’t think I can do this another day.

I heard someone say the other day how our outsides rarely match our insides. How true. We paint ourselves up in pretty packages most days or I do. I actually do remember a time in my addiction when it was all I could do to get ready each day. But now..I have become an artist of hiding flaws.

I could tell something was bothering my friend so I told her how most days were for me.That I struggled with depression. Some days I had to  make myself go to meetings even when I didn’t feel like it. That I still struggle with daily routines and some days it is all I can do to get dressed.  She looked relieved.  I think she was glad to know she was not alone. I did laugh and say “no one has it together as they appear to.” I have this found to be so true. We all have “issues”.

We talked awhile longer and I could see a light come on. I smiled to myself. Maybe I am not officially counseling now which I do miss but God still puts people on my path to speak to and touch through my story. Maybe that was God’s plan along. Not quite what I had planned but “Your ways are not My ways” (Isaiah 55:8)….

I don’t run from my experience now but have learned to embrace it and share it. I give it away freely now. And I will be telling my story for the first time in a few weeks and I must say, I am excited. Who knows what God has planned.

For Life just Simply is….

Beautifully Awkward

New Year

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on January 19, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

 

Well, it is almost that time again… time to celebrate another birthday… My second year sober. I can’t believe it. Who would have thought?

I don’t take these special dates for granted anymore, heck I don’t take each day for granted. I rise up each morning shouting praise to my Lord. For it is because of Him that I am clean and sober.

so thank you for sharing my journey….

and remember it just …

Simply is

Beautifully Awkward

I Am Enough

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on September 19, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

When I am not enough, the Sun rises again.

When I am not enough, the seas bellow up and cry “Holy.”

When I am not enough, the wind kisses my face tenderly.

and when I am not enough, Your Son sends me a hug through a friend.

 

I am reminded daily that yes, I am enough. I am abundantly and richly filled with Grace, love and life. (Jn 10:10)

Reminding me~~

That I am enough…

 

Beautifully Awkward