Archive for journey

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Sober Nuggets

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 11, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

It is colder than a witches hinny outside today so I have stayed indoors. I have a roaring fire and soup on the stove. My family is watching sports, oh joy! And I am sitting here on the computer talking to you.

Without thinking, I thought wouldn’t it be nice to fix a martini to warm my body? (Did I mention–I don’t even like martini’s) but I romanced the thought…briefly. Then it hit me, I can’t do that. “You are an ALCOHOLIC!” my inner voice shouted…… Well ain’t that just great.

I still have trouble believing that… I’m an addict…or an alcoholic…. It is like I will wake up any time from a bad dream. I pinch myself. Nope, I’m awake.

*Sigh*

God, why did this happen to me?

Silence…

Hello there? I know You hear me!

Well just fine then, ignore me…I’m not trying to be a jerk here but really why me? why this? So what if I drink. You don’t seem to care.

Are you listening to me?

If you don’t’ answer me, I’ll sing the song you hate,,, the one where my voice is in high pitch. I’ll quit the choir. Oh I already did. Well I will not teach Sunday School tomorrow…I’m just trying to get your attention.

And then I hear God say (not like audibly or anything) “I hear every word you say. Why are you so upset?”

Because today I want a drink, it’s cold and I want to drink.

“Do you really? Or is it because you can’t have one that you want to drink?”

I don’t know. I don’t really want one but if I did…

“That is what I thought…” God, “So what do you want?”

I want You to…

“Child, you want to be understood…to be loved and that you are.”

“My beloved…”

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

My Grace

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 8, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

Somewhere in the middle of whom I was and who I am, the play ground of my mind resonates with reckless abandon. Leaving me between my common sense and intellect.  Like the teetering of a child’s seesaw, I waiver on my position in God’s world.

Who am I? Who does God want me to be? More so, what have I become? And I ponder the thought. Is my faith in the shallow end or have I been immersed into the deep? Do I listen to the roar of His call or to His still small voice? (1 Kings 19:11-13)

Some days I am content and some days I want more. And in those days, I reach up and grab a hold.

Truth is… I don’t regret where I’ve been for it has led me to the road I’m on today. A road less traveled—some would say. For sure, some would not have. But it is the thorn to bear and it is mine. And I will know that no matter how tough things get, I will hear the Father‘s voice…..

 So for who I may become, I give praise…and if I forget to say thank you…Your grace astounds me.

That you may find me in my chosen place; and I may hear the Father say, “My Grace.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

Outside Looking In

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on January 21, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

I had a friend ask me last night, “How have you done it?”

“Huh?” bewildered.

“You have your act together and have done so well.” It was all I could do to not laugh out loud. If she or anyone else knew the truth. The days I have spent in my counselors office crying, I just don’t think I can do this another day.

I heard someone say the other day how our outsides rarely match our insides. How true. We paint ourselves up in pretty packages most days or I do. I actually do remember a time in my addiction when it was all I could do to get ready each day. But now..I have become an artist of hiding flaws.

I could tell something was bothering my friend so I told her how most days were for me.That I struggled with depression. Some days I had to  make myself go to meetings even when I didn’t feel like it. That I still struggle with daily routines and some days it is all I can do to get dressed.  She looked relieved.  I think she was glad to know she was not alone. I did laugh and say “no one has it together as they appear to.” I have this found to be so true. We all have “issues”.

We talked awhile longer and I could see a light come on. I smiled to myself. Maybe I am not officially counseling now which I do miss but God still puts people on my path to speak to and touch through my story. Maybe that was God’s plan along. Not quite what I had planned but “Your ways are not My ways” (Isaiah 55:8)….

I don’t run from my experience now but have learned to embrace it and share it. I give it away freely now. And I will be telling my story for the first time in a few weeks and I must say, I am excited. Who knows what God has planned.

For Life just Simply is….

Beautifully Awkward

1 Comment »

New Year

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on January 19, 2012 by Her Broken Wing

 

Well, it is almost that time again… time to celebrate another birthday… My second year sober. I can’t believe it. Who would have thought?

I don’t take these special dates for granted anymore, heck I don’t take each day for granted. I rise up each morning shouting praise to my Lord. For it is because of Him that I am clean and sober.

so thank you for sharing my journey….

and remember it just …

Simply is…

Beautifully Awkward

1 Comment »

I Am Enough

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on September 19, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

When I am not enough, the Sun rises again.

When I am not enough, the seas bellow up and cry “Holy.”

When I am not enough, the wind kisses my face tenderly.

and when I am not enough, Your Son sends me a hug through a friend.

 

I am reminded daily that yes, I am enough. I am abundantly and richly filled with Grace, love and life. (Jn 10:10)

Reminding me~~

That I am enough…

 

Beautifully Awkward

1 Comment »

Emotional Sobriety

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 18, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Being emotionally sober might be harder than chemically sober. I have learned a lot these past few months about myself. I have learned that I am self-centered, self-absorbed and just selfish. If God had said to me, do not eat of the fruit of this tree, I would have said, “Surely not, I am your chosen one…” and would have made an apple pie from every last apple on the tree.

 

I have seen the ugly side of my external internal war that rages within me. If only the “me” could retreat, the battle would be over. Peace eludes me. Self-centeredness is a poison in my emotional system. It creates havoc in my daily life. Fear sets in. Anger, resentment and self-pity become my guiding force. All this in the pursuit of happiness.

 

I have learned that happiness is an inside job. Life and circumstances outside of me having nothing, absolutely nothing to do with my happiness.

 

I no longer have to do the best Waltz on the dance floor, but only gaze into the eyes of my beloved as we dance. It’s not about people pleasing but enjoying life and the gifts God has given me.

 

Oh, I still catch myself seeking the attention of the world, atta-boys, but I don’t have to for my happiness. I am much happier when I don’t seek the awareness of other people. I have a choice.

 

I can finally sit and really listen to people talk to me without my mind racing around trying to think of the next story that will top theirs. A story that would surely glorify me.

 

Yes, my heart has been replaced with the Father’s heart….My quiet place…

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

The Whisper of Stillness

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 26, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

I am discombobulated. But my world is just fine. I have no real reason for this feeling. My insides are in turmoil. I am trying to pray for peace but even that is hard to do now. So, I have to tell You God, “I’m not doing too well on this spiritual flight…”

Chaos–the life of an addict.

I guess I keep waiting for something supernatural or some terrific explosion to happen as I go frolicking through the meadows of continual bustle and everlasting hopelessness. Commotion and lots of it… that is what I am used to. It seems disarray is when and where God usually turns up in my life—or so it seems. His presence is always needed for me to finally settle and to feel an inner peace.

I am reminded of this scripture,” 11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by. “ Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” (1 King 19:11-12)

God was in the gentle whisper…

I go back into another time in my life when my pitiful existence was crumbling like a stale cookie. I was walking through the exhibit at a meeting I was attending. A lady walked up to me and handed me a little statue of a child. On the bottom of the child was the scripture, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) When I looked up to thank the lady, she was gone. How did she know?

Now, I try to remember that when life gets crazy and when I am discombobulated to “Be still…” and listen for “….the gentle whisper…” of God’s sweet voice.

For that is when I will find my Heavenly Father ready to untangle the mess I have created.

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

From Ashes To Beauty

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 14, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

“…He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,…
   to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes, the oil of joy
   instead of mourning, and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair…” Isaiah 61


The Phoenix story is told that it has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.

While I might not have that long to live, in likeness, my short life I must die to live. (Matt 26:25)

So out of my rubble, I become something more beautiful than I was before. Free of the bondage that brought me to despair– That I too may be bestowed a crown of beauty.

From the ashes I arose to a garment of praise…

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 20, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
 
 
Be Still and Know (Psalm 46:10)
I heard a song the other day… “Slow dancing in a burning room” It really spoke to my senses… Like peace and surrender…
 
 It is also like the days I have spent swaying to the sound of the world as she went about her business– Chaos just happens as I scurry around trying to make it one more day. Maybe humankind finds one morsel of Hope to hold, enough to come back tomorrow.
 
I fight to stand for something– for nothingness is worse than doing something wrong. I see the ribbons on the door of my neighbors, my family yet I pass them by each day. I complain but I do nothing about it.

My addiction…stands for the years of hiding and blaming others– yet it is my problem. And if I am the problem, I must be the solution.

In my weakness I find…I have amazing strength.

God says…. “For it is in my weakness, He is strong…” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

So today, I surrender…

Today, I slow dance in a burning room…

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

Save Me From Myself

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 19, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

When I was a little girl, there were monsters that camped out in my bedroom. Within a short time, I had my youngest sister convinced of a devastating fate. This happened every night for a period of time. My precious dad set up a vigil in our room saving us from the monsters until we were asleep. Morning would come and the monsters were gone.

Years later, I was once again faced with the monsters of the world. With my heart-broken and shattered, my dad came to my rescue picking up every broken piece. My dad taught me the dance-of-life and chased away the monsters.

The road of happenstance had left me with a battlefield in my mind–a civil war. Monsters wreaked havoc in their words of unworthiness.

My dad has long since gone Home. He can no longer save me from myself and the world I have created. But he left me with his Father for I now face this dance with my Heavenly Father.  (Job 21:11)

Although I have tried to give up a time or two, the road always leads back to You.

And the war rages on, holding on or letting go… Father save me from myself.

Beautifully Awkward

Leave a comment »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »