Archive for John

Living In An Extraordinary World

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 21, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Some days I was living an extraordinary life in an ordinary world… other days, I was trying to survive an ordinary life in an extraordinary world.

Mostly, I would vacillate between the two.

Not sure which I preferred, I found out it really didn’t matter. I was unseen and forgotten a majority of days. Maybe I was too ordinary…. Or contrarily— in a sad sense.

It was a funny thing—my disease. I discovered one day quite by accident I could take “the pills and the booze” and they would make me come alive in my own little world (or so I thought). I was flying over mountain tops. I was finally somebody. Now all my days were extraordinary. “Beautiful”, I thought.

This time of ecstasy was short-lived, however.

The subsequent highs were never as good as the first. And it was not long before my body begged for more. It took more and more to get me to a place where I could just function as an ordinary person.

The disease is all cunning, baffling and powerful—it sneaks up on you. It bites you before you realize you are bitten. (John 8:44)…

This disease spoke to me… whispers in the night… lured me like a lover and then left me cold and alone.

Despair is a powerful motivator.

Standing at the River of Sorrow—the tears came and I finally surrendered.

“Good”, I say.

Today, I am an extraordinary person in an extraordinary world….

Beautifully Awkward

The Broken Spirit

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 3, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

But it has been a year …or so… I should be… I should be what? Over it? Better?

How did it happen that my physical body heals and the emotional body was left unnoticed –for a time? I was doing so well and then I hit “The Wall.” My emotional breaking point.

No reason, really. Maybe you said something to me, looked at me a certain way, it really doesn’t matter because the break was bound to happen with you or without you. See it had nothing to do with you. I needed this final fracture of my spirit.

Now, I have nothing left.

“It is finished.” John 19:30

My spirit I give to the Father.

Beautifully Awkward

Daydream Believer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 29, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Shaped my world were games of Eeny meeny miny moe, he loves me he loves me not and dreams of sailing away from my world with my make-believe lover.

Daydreaming, I believed I would be rescued from the Demons that danced and twirled in my pain-ridden world. I waited endless nights for my Prince Charming.

Restless inside, I drank the deep. I dreamt of another world of peace and happiness.

My secrets, however, would soon be found and the world had its way with me.

Daydreaming, I believe I would be rescued from the Demons that danced and twirled in my head.

Buried by my many walls, I walked on this side of the world.Thinking I was protected. Praying I was. Finding I only excluded my Prince Charming from ever finding me.

And then, my once sacred pearls scattered abroad. I had held on too tight. Now,they knew. I was exposed.

My dream world was shattered.

I never saw it coming. I never saw Him coming. The change was subtle.  My soft foundation shifted and I fell.

Only then did the Prince Charming greater than my wildest dreams reach down and pick me up. (Isaiah 9:5)

All through a Daydream Believer.

(John 3:16)

Beautifully Awkward

Jesus Passed By

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 6, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I was too late. Delayed once again by my procrastination. Now… I stood there wondering where the others were. I was alone…again.

Opportunities. Promises. Yet Again, disappointing myself and those around me.

The hopeless, the helpless, the ruined, the forsaken– Lost in my world of shame, onlookers shook their heads for they had given up. I have seen the look in your eyes. Something within me caused you great unrest. I touched a deep place within you that reminded you of your own weakness.

The sobering reality–some of us will not make it through life unscathed of personal tragedies through our own making.

(John 5:13) “…for Jesus had quietly gone away (had passed on unnoticed)…”
 
 What anguish IT WOULD HAVE BEEN if I had arrived only to find Jesus had already passed by. I had missed the most important moment in eternity.

BUT it did not happen that way.

My miracle has come in many forms these days… I am sober. And my miracle came after many disappointments. I did not give up.

And Jesus Passed By…as I followed

I pursued my miracle (Jesus) through my rubble, until I found Him.

Or shall I say, He found me.

Beautifully Awkward

The World’s A Stage

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 26, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,…”

William Shakespeare…

My world is a stage…you…you are but a player on my earth.

I was quick to judge you as you were quick to judge me.

I looked at my own flaws through your eyes. I sought perfection in myself as I did you. But often, you failed me. Repeatedly, I failed you.

Recently, I heard someone say, “I found that if I was not the problem, there was no solution.” I had to drink these words, allowing them to flow lightly over my tongue as I swished them around in my mouth so I could savor the statements reality.

It was up to me (through God) to find serenity–not you.

 

There is a “bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us ” (from the Big Book of AA) reminding me that we are all flawed and just trying to endure the performance of our life— each day we try-out for a new scenario.

But we are good too.

Survival–life. Maybe more. Abundance? (John 10:10)

But I have come to believe that my addiction is the best thing that could have happened to me. Proving to me that I know very little about what I need and what is in my best interest. So, maybe you judge me by my failures–my addiction. But God judges me by failures and how I rise from the ashes of destruction –”for My ways are not your ways.” (Isaiah 55:8)

Thus, I have learned that all the times I thought I had the world figured out, you figured out and gave you long endearing advice, I really didn’t know what was good for you for I did not even know what was good for me.

So, today I resign from having all the answers.

And whatever is in front of me at the moment, whatever I find peace in at that instant…IS God’s will for my life.

Humbled? Maybe but I am content in living in the background of my stage of existence.

Beautifully Awkward

The Waterfall of Passion

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 5, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Our Blind Spot is the place in the visual field that corresponds to the lack of light-detecting…

And the Light came into the world.” (John 3:19) 

Was I blind to this too?

The emotions abound– flooding my soul. I lived out of an emotional tidal wave. Somewhere along the way, this became my way of life. I thrived on the emotional ebb and flow– Thus, the seeking of others the attention from my highs and lows. Living in a chaotic state, I learned to thrive from this passionate world of feelings.

Then one day I found religion. I didn’t say faith, I said religion. I found a way of life. Working and striving to live out of a self-seeking approval of the Almighty. To no surprise, the day came when I grew weary of this life–too. No passion, no heart in this so-called place of ??– what was all the hype?

What next?

One day someone asked me –“Where is your passion?”

I froze.

I could not answer the question. The true passion that brings stinging tears to my eyes causing me to weep waterfalls of sadness or joy as I drop to my knees.

I was blind to the world around me, I had become (or always had been) self-centered, self-indulgent and lived in my self-pity. A blind spot to my Heavenly Father, for how could Someone love someone like me? Someone with no faith, but only the religiosity of  myself.

So I ran from God… I just didn’t get it.

And in the shattered moments where the darkness collides with the shady and sinister rearview images, the only scene left is that in which lies ahead

Faith is all I have left… I have been stripped of the marred, scarred and obliteration of my tightly bound heart so that now I may be liberated to a new passion and new delight, hence now I bask in the Light—no longer blind to the truth!

For I have found my Abba in the waterfalls of passion.

Beautifully Awkward

Divine Sparks

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 28, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Who Am I?

So many times I have been uncertain of who I was and now–who I will be. But I am reminded that I was born with a purpose and a plan. (Psalm 139)

It was in a split nanosecond of time in which my soul ignited at its’ entry into earth where I then became a Divine Spark— that is who I am.

Somewhere along my journey, I had become distracted by the physical, the mental and the emotional desires that steered me off the path of my original destiny.

How do I find my way back home where insanity does not prevail? For”I am the way, the truth, and the life.”(John 14:6)

Soon we will all become one. (1 Corinthians 12:17-19” … And if they were all one member, where were the body? But now they are many members, but one body”) 

 Yes, we are Divine Sparks waiting to light the soul next to us.

Live and light on..

Beautifully Awkward