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Jesus Passed By

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 6, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I was too late. Delayed once again by my procrastination. Now… I stood there wondering where the others were. I was alone…again.

Opportunities. Promises. Yet Again, disappointing myself and those around me.

The hopeless, the helpless, the ruined, the forsaken– Lost in my world of shame, onlookers shook their heads for they had given up. I have seen the look in your eyes. Something within me caused you great unrest. I touched a deep place within you that reminded you of your own weakness.

The sobering reality–some of us will not make it through life unscathed of personal tragedies through our own making.

(John 5:13) “…for Jesus had quietly gone away (had passed on unnoticed)…”
 
 What anguish IT WOULD HAVE BEEN if I had arrived only to find Jesus had already passed by. I had missed the most important moment in eternity.

BUT it did not happen that way.

My miracle has come in many forms these days… I am sober. And my miracle came after many disappointments. I did not give up.

And Jesus Passed By…as I followed

I pursued my miracle (Jesus) through my rubble, until I found Him.

Or shall I say, He found me.

Beautifully Awkward

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The World’s A Stage

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 26, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,…”

William Shakespeare…

My world is a stage…you…you are but a player on my earth.

I was quick to judge you as you were quick to judge me.

I looked at my own flaws through your eyes. I sought perfection in myself as I did you. But often, you failed me. Repeatedly, I failed you.

Recently, I heard someone say, “I found that if I was not the problem, there was no solution.” I had to drink these words, allowing them to flow lightly over my tongue as I swished them around in my mouth so I could savor the statements reality.

It was up to me (through God) to find serenity–not you.

　

There is a “bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us ” (from the Big Book of AA) reminding me that we are all flawed and just trying to endure the performance of our life— each day we try-out for a new scenario.

But we are good too.

Survival–life. Maybe more. Abundance? (John 10:10)

But I have come to believe that my addiction is the best thing that could have happened to me. Proving to me that I know very little about what I need and what is in my best interest. So, maybe you judge me by my failures–my addiction. But God judges me by failures and how I rise from the ashes of destruction –”for My ways are not your ways.” (Isaiah 55:8)

Thus, I have learned that all the times I thought I had the world figured out, you figured out and gave you long endearing advice, I really didn’t know what was good for you for I did not even know what was good for me.

So, today I resign from having all the answers.

And whatever is in front of me at the moment, whatever I find peace in at that instant…IS God’s will for my life.

Humbled? Maybe but I am content in living in the background of my stage of existence.

Beautifully Awkward

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The Waterfall of Passion

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 5, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Our Blind Spot is the place in the visual field that corresponds to the lack of light-detecting…

“And the Light came into the world.” (John 3:19) 

Was I blind to this too?

The emotions abound– flooding my soul. I lived out of an emotional tidal wave. Somewhere along the way, this became my way of life. I thrived on the emotional ebb and flow– Thus, the seeking of others the attention from my highs and lows. Living in a chaotic state, I learned to thrive from this passionate world of feelings.

Then one day I found religion. I didn’t say faith, I said religion. I found a way of life. Working and striving to live out of a self-seeking approval of the Almighty. To no surprise, the day came when I grew weary of this life–too. No passion, no heart in this so-called place of ??– what was all the hype?

What next?

One day someone asked me –“Where is your passion?”

I froze.

I could not answer the question. The true passion that brings stinging tears to my eyes causing me to weep waterfalls of sadness or joy as I drop to my knees.

I was blind to the world around me, I had become (or always had been) self-centered, self-indulgent and lived in my self-pity. A blind spot to my Heavenly Father, for how could Someone love someone like me? Someone with no faith, but only the religiosity of  myself.

So I ran from God… I just didn’t get it.

And in the shattered moments where the darkness collides with the shady and sinister rearview images, the only scene left is that in which lies ahead…

Faith is all I have left… I have been stripped of the marred, scarred and obliteration of my tightly bound heart so that now I may be liberated to a new passion and new delight, hence now I bask in the Light—no longer blind to the truth!

For I have found my Abba in the waterfalls of passion.

Beautifully Awkward

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Divine Sparks

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 28, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Who Am I?

So many times I have been uncertain of who I was and now–who I will be. But I am reminded that I was born with a purpose and a plan. (Psalm 139)

It was in a split nanosecond of time in which my soul ignited at its’ entry into earth where I then became a Divine Spark— that is who I am.

Somewhere along my journey, I had become distracted by the physical, the mental and the emotional desires that steered me off the path of my original destiny.

How do I find my way back home where insanity does not prevail? For”I am the way, the truth, and the life.”(John 14:6)

Soon we will all become one. (1 Corinthians 12:17-19” … And if they were all one member, where were the body? But now they are many members, but one body”) 

 Yes, we are Divine Sparks waiting to light the soul next to us.

Live and light on..

Beautifully Awkward…

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I Regret To Inform You

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 8, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

“Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13b)

Another day came; and I just lie there in my room listening to the bustling of life continue on without me. I was too tired, too drugged. I couldn’t get out of the nightmarish cycle I was living. Not only did shame eat away at my soul but the prevailing emotion of regret. I had lived with such sorrow over my life passing me by. The life as I knew it could be.

We all have had serious regrets in our life time. But when we feel are responsible for our own destiny, it makes the pain worse. I remember as a child, how strong the emotion of regret could be. I recall how magnified my emotions were as child? Just like the time I was on a scavenger hunt and walked right by the prize only to have someone walk behind me and find the reward. How devastated I was.  I had tremendous regret, “If only I had looked closer…” As a child, the sting of regret could linger for a long time.

My pain the past ten years was no different. Maybe because I had been in the habit of numbing myself, I am just now able to experience feelings–good and bad!

Regret attached itself to my soul and has not easily let go.

The law of nature is clear; we cannot be in two places at one time. If I live in my regret, I cannot move forward. For a long time, I just didn’t get that. I would perch myself on my pretty little throne of self-righteousness (see my addiction was still in the closet) as I tried to fix whatever current issues were most pressing–usually determined by–what caused me the most pain! I dealt with this by sending out letters (or emails) to those that hurt me. Maybe if I could make them feel bad, they would feel bad enough to come to my place and beg forgiveness. After all, this (“this” being –anything and everything) wasn’t my fault. Or I would play the self-pity card game, come, sit at my table and I’ll serve us tea and cookies.  Soon, no one wanted to join in any “my reindeer games.” My friends and family had a life. I was on my own island… The Island of Shame and Regret.

In my loneliness, through my tears and whispers, I began to cry out– Father Almighty. It was because of my extreme brokenness and my nothingness that I finally knew what it meant to give it all to Him, but all I had left was a worn-out, broken and shattered resemblance of a shell of my life.

So I did.

Gave it all. Piece by piece…crumb by crumb. (Drugs and all)

That night, I slept.

I dreamed.

I woke.

I was released from the bondage of regret. The scales of shame covering my eyes fell so that I could see.  I finally understood—the scripture:

“I was blind and now I see.” (Jn 9:6-7)

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