Archive for Hope

I Can Fly

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 15, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Broken, shattered and battered no more—it’s a choice.

I can fly…I take one small leap and I am flying above the clouds as free as the spirits surrounding me. I reach up and grab a piece of a white fluffy cloud.  I hold the cloud to my chest, it is a sacred moment. Spinning and twirling around in flight, I see my past, present and a glimpse of the future.

“I am free. “

I soar to a quiet spot and rest. There I hear the angel wings flap. They hear me pray. I hear them sing. I am at the foot of the Almighty. I cry a river of sorrow as He holds His hands out and catches my every tear. His tender touch lifts my face and smiles. No words needed. I feel His love.

“I’m not afraid.”

“The journey I have walked, You have walked too, You have been there. I see it in Your eyes—something I have sought all my life—understanding, hope, love sweet love so compassionate, so gentle and so warm. You know and understand what I am trying to say without me saying a word.”

“I want to go with You Father.”

Finally God Almighty speaks, “I am yours love.”

I can fly now–but only in the Hands of God.

Beautifully Awkward

Lightning Never Strikes Twice

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 11, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Lightning brightens the sky. Heightened in a multitude of colors by its’ radiant heat. As a child, I stood mesmerized by the beauty.  It was magical as if the light danced in the sky to its own music. I have heard lightning never strikes twice.  I hope they are right.

“Don’t let it catch you by the window,” says grandma. “It can be very dangerous.”

My grandmother’s words resonate in my soul today.

The first thirty years of my life were very difficult. As all of us, we learn to just “cope” in this fallen, sad world.  So it comes as no surprise that an escape was offered to me and I took it. Numb to the pain. I lived there many years. I began to drown out the sound of my grandmother, “Don’t let it catch you…”

I had begun my life as a leper. Could those around me not see it– the shame, the guilt all over my face? The shadows around me illuminated by the brightness the hovered over me only made things worse. “Don’t let it catch you…”

“Stop” I cried. “just stop…”

If you run hard and fast, you can escape the sounds, the shadows….  For a while.

I grew tired and weary after many years … I began to slow down. The sounds and shadows caught up.

I had nowhere to go…less I die.

The lightning had struck… The heat was on. It’s beauty gone.

No longer afraid, I had lived the Hell of my choices.

I now stood in a brightness of a new healing…surrounded by others. 

Many with open arms… loving arms… and those are the ones that matter most.

They are the arms of Jesus.

 Beautifully Awkward

Secret sins on earth are open scandals in Heaven…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 7, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
As a toddler, I played peek-a-boo… closed my eyes and those around me disappeared. 

As a child, I would hide under my bed so the monsters wouldn’t find me. 

As a teenager, I would lie in my bed and hide from those that hurt me. 

As a young adult, I began to notice the light growing dim…easier to hide my secrets. 

As an adult, my shadows grew… Relationships shattered, fences broken, fear prevailed, I stumbled through the darkness… 

My faith had been challenged. There would be consequences. Grave at times. 

Secrets thought to be hidden in the darkest corner of my place on earth were now open scandals in Heaven. God knew. The Light revealed my shady life. No where to hide. 

“When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: ‘Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son ever again.’ 

“But the father wasn’t listening. He was calling to the servants, ‘Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We’re going to feast! We’re going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!’ And they began to have a wonderful time. (Luke 15:20-24 The Message)’ 

I am back Home –such the Prodigal child. 

 

Beautifully Awkward 

Peace in the Chaos

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on June 26, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
Standing on the street corner early one morning, I had an epiphany. The cars, the horns, the chatter of people— not paying attention to the silent figure. Chaos and lots of it. Busy life. The hustle bustle of everyday survival. Dressed in our best as to hide our dark secrets.  

  

I had lived in a world of chaos all my life. Turmoil was the norm for me. It was my comfortable blanket like that of a small child carried tightly against his chest.   

  

  

Soon I heard an unfamiliar sound–the silence,a quiet, a calm… I briefly closed my eyes and inhaled a strange aroma. Unfamiliar once again to my senses, I held my breath as if the sense was just an illusion. Afraid I would blink and it would be gone. I recognized by its definition– Peace–maybe.    

Peace in chaos.    

In the world of addictions, we thrive on our self-absorbed pain(s). We are selfish. Thus, those around us in pain are only a reassurance and confirmation to the sickness that runs through our veins. Their pain is an affirmation to an ailing world and one we must protect ourselves from, so we dull our senses. We no longer smell, taste or hear but that in which we choose. Addiction was my self punishment. Ironically as I tried to dull my senses, I was only  inflicting more pain.  The more pain I could inflict the better I felt. I was not worthy of a life of happiness. The Dependence of such substances (food, people, religion, drugs) became a tremendously painful cycle.    

Thinking back…    

I think of when I was a small child playing on the playground, laughing and carefree as I twirl around spinning until I fell down. I would get dizzy, wobble and fall. I laughed. When did I quit laughing? When did life become…life?    

Fast forward to an adult, my life was spinning out of control until I fell (again). Oh, in the beginning I tried many times to get up and did but only to fall many more times. Eventually, I grew weary.  Eventually, I stayed down.    

Looking up to the Heavens… just like I did as a child when I had spun around too many times…I lie there and breathe in. Tears form and trickle down my cheeks.   

I cry, then I sob—What now?    

So many people have had opinions. They stood on the playground and watched as I fell. Some judged. Some just loved from a distance. Some were silent. But–Some reached in and embraced me. Those are the ones that are now walking with me on this passage.    

Who leads you? Who do we choose?    

Would you fly with a pilot that had never flown the course? Or a sailor that now sails unchartered territory? Or what about the blind man as he tells you about a green tree?    

God–first…    

 God –last!   

Leave the people behind that hurt you… walk with those that will help you grow…    

Close your eyes…Now inhale the peace in the midst of chaos…    

Beautifully Awkward    

Thank God for Wrong Turns

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 13, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night so thirsty you would drink the water out of the commode if you had to? OK that is a little drastic but it makes my point.

Some years ago, I was injured and in so much pain that I thought to myself, “I now understand how wild animals can chew their own limbs off when maimed.”

In other words, we will go to any means to rid ourselves of any distress. Whether it is temporary relief or permanent, our main focus is immediate relief.

Think about the young girl who soon blossoms into a sexually attractive teenager. She has the eye of the young men or anyone for that matter for the first time. She now has a power she has not had before. It feels good. She feels good. It is filling her emptiness, her void.

What about the teenager whom was the apple of her daddy’s eye. But she carried their little secret. She now finds solace in food. She is trying; she is hoping that no one will ever find her attractive again.

There once lived a child who dwelled in a fantasy world; in which she never quite outgrew the dreams of her youth.  She wished for the “happy ever after” for her mommy and her daddy that had divorced many years ago. She began to tell those around her the story of how it was to be. Soon she too believed it. Fantasy and real life were no longer separate. The boundaries of the two had been shattered and intertwined.

And then the socially unacceptable disease was diagnosed to those who would uphold the title. Drug addict. Alcoholic. Call it as you may.

All of these–addicts, liars, sexual addictions, overeaters, pornography, cheaters, gossipers, angry angry people, we are basically the same. Are they self-inflicted wounds?

I think not. Not entirely.

Rather, a point of grasping something tangible. It is the last possible coping means left, albeit, not that wonderful of a survival skill but a mere bridge between sanity and death on the current roadmap of our journey.

This is where we will drop our luggage, lighten our load and find the true pursuit of our purpose.

I would not trade this journey at all. Had I missed this turn, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am in a better place, and the sites are beautiful.

Thank God for wrong turns.

Beautifully Awkward

Look At Her Butt

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 1, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Just look at her butt. Is my butt that big? Deep down I don’t care for this person so I jump on board and continue to diminish the character of this person until there is nothing left but to spit out the bones–unbeknownst to her.  The conversation is so derogatory that it would knock an Angel right out of its’ cozy nest on a snow glisten night.

Why must we do this to each other?

There is something about peering into the life of another. We are rubbernecking in a sense. We come upon a car accident; we will slow down to a snail’s pace.  We are enamored by the gruesome mutilation that devours the human body.  Our mind goes into the “what if’s”. We cannot remove our gaze from the sight for deep within us, the grotesqueness takes us to a place we dare not go …

Dark, cold and deep in the center core…is where we spend most of our life running from.

Whether we are the victim or the bystander, we are all but small frail humans. We desperately seek to be accepted and loved—at any cost. We would sell our soul to the Devil if it meant one moment of pleasure.  (Genesis 25:29-34)

We all have been there. Some are still there. We want to matter to someone. We would rather suffer in pain and agony than to not matter at all. This is why the Emergency Rooms are so full. Many of the patients injuries sadly, are self-inflicted or could have been prevented. But these patients are seeking attention. Or seeking the drugs to dull their senses and take them out of the  agony so they no longer feel. 

 What are we looking for?

We are looking to measure up, to be measured by and yet, when it comes to God we won’t let Him fill our measuring cup. We live in secret. We live in darkness. (Isaiah 45:19)

It is only in that small flicker of light, and where we can call out for hope in a newfound peace. So many people try to describe a God as one that is scurrying around trying to get His house in order but this isn’t the case. The Resurrection of Christ was not some desperate last-minute thought of God’s part to save the Hero. It was God’s original plan all along. His Son was and is our Hope.

Jesus is our love, our acceptance; He is our hope.

Beautifully Awkward

Peace for Today

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on May 17, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Sometimes, life just stinks! We get thrown a curve ball. The only thing we have ever been taught  was to run and catch the ball.Gutter balls, high balls, foul balls, it doesn’t matter we just ran all over the field haphazardly with no purpose.

What if we tried a different position to life and stood in as the hitter? We now watch for the perfect throw. It means waiting–patience’s, and when a ball comes our way that isn’t perfect, we “Get out of the way!”

When we are thrown a ball that knocks us off our feet, thus lacking the power—that is what we refer to as the “Addict’s Dilemma.” I am powerless over this situation. Drop the ball and let it go.

This is the “Key to Serenity.”

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation–some fact of life–unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being the way it is supposed to be at this moment.” The Big Book


Beautifully Awkward…

The Back Door Friend

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 10, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

There are not too many of us– students of life–that would willingly sign up for Humility 101. As with any degree, we might take biology to become a teacher or numerous anatomy and chemistry classes to become a nurse, and so on. My life as a nurse, counselor, mother, and wife worked for me for a long time.

So signing up for any additional classes was not anything I was looking to do. But somewhere down the road, I must have inadvertently signed up for Humility 101. It took my addiction– thus me graduating with a degree in humility. Oh, I didn’t willingly sign up for these classes –Humble Pie. My addiction came decorated in a pretty package where I only later found the profound ugliness of my arrogance.

So back to the original question, would I have ever signed up for Humility 101?

No, my attendance to Humility 101 was through the back door only by  submission of my unwilling soul as I became truly humble.  As a result, I suffered severe pain from humility through my actions and their consequences. The beginnings of my classes were a smooth, sly, and painstaking process of the disease called — addiction. My dependence came in quietly through the back door. At first, my pill was occasional taken outside of what it was intended for. My drugs became inviting as my neighbor, friendly in a sort. Soon, her visits became more regular. Without realizing what was happening, my friend became a daily visitor. I soon anticipated this visit with great shame. I would justify my use of mommy’s little helpers till the rain had turned to snow and the nights were long and cold. There was no turning back.

One day, I looked out the back door as if waiting for a visit. I had not had a visit from “her” in a day or two so I begin to pace the floor. My family asked if I was OK.  “What are you looking for?” they asked.  I would tell them I was just fine.  But inside my soul, I was screaming. I was frantic. Where are my drugs? No, I was not waiting on an illegal delivery. Usually I was waiting on a call from my dear doctor– who always came through.

Had I come to this?

Yes.

I had now completed Humility 101. I was so humiliated by my actions. There I stood at the back door crying at the lowness of my so-called life. Only there would be no degree here.  No graduation ceremony to stand up for. I will not be sending out invitations. I might as well have been lost on some deserted island. I was so alone. But that was my choice. I did not want to tell anyone. I let no one into my world.

Eventually, I had no choice. I stood up and said, “I have a problem. I am sick.” I hear that is the first step– that we are powerless over our disease. And hand it over to God.

(Psalm 34:18)

Today, when I stand at the back door, I see the beautiful flowers I have planted. I breathe the fresh air God has gifted me with. I turn around and see my family that I am entrusted to.

Humility 101 is not so bad.

Happy Mother’s Day

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on May 8, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Happy Mother’s Day…

May this year bring hope, grace and mercy to all those struggling… let there be a new life discovered in you this year…one filled with love…may you rekindle relationships with children… parents…and ……!

God Bless…..Beautifully Awkward...

Signed By God

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 2, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I have made some really dumb decisions over the past years. However, most of the decisions I have made in my life have been based on my security scale rating for that day. I can tell you it has never been very high.  If I was feeling rather low (which was most days), my choice in any matter, would tend to run on the self-destructive side. The result was either me trying to sweep the left over crumbs of my behavior under the rug or just pretend the situation never occurred.  Out of sight, out of mind!!

It really took most my life to figure out that my poor decisions equaled the level of my insecurity, thus, causing total misery. Early on in my drug use, I made every attempt to stop.  Every morning when I woke up it was the same conversation with God. I promise to do better. And I did mean it– But as the years rolled by, I eventually quit trying. Why bother, it was the same story every morning. Shame had overtaken me. I fell deeper and deeper into depression.

Once I quit trying, I realized this only compounded my wretchedness. I could no longer see God’s face. I was too ashamed of myself and what He thought of me.(I did not know He could still see my face. I was like the small child closing their eyes so their parents could not see them. I was no different.)

I have heard it said ( I believe Beth Moore), “Pain is easier than purposelessness.” I understand this now. I had lost my purpose in life…

I was no longer a wife to truly speak of…I was no longer managing our home. I slept too much.

I was a terrible parent. I was missing my children s functions at school while they are so young.

My identity as a nurse was gone.

Everything I knew… was gone.

I was no longer fearful of any type of pain… In a sick sense, I felt I deserved it. When I got sick or hurt, I welcomed it and I challenged it because I felt like it was warranted as my punishment.

So now that I am on a journey of healing, I am better but I still have days that I struggle with the security scales… I have days that I base my acceptance of how others receive and perceive me.  I am still learning to turn this over to God and leave it in His lap… for good.

I have to understand that those around me are on their own journeys and however I may have hurt them in the past or that it may have nothing to do with me,it may just take time. I have a tendency to want things back to normal….a sap. But then do I really? For to go back to where I was, would mean death.

So today, I come as a blank slate before God…. I let Him write my life with His words…

In the Hands of God

Beautifully Awkward