Archive for Hope

And I Dream of Who I could Have Been….

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 14, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

 

I don’t make a move unless my friends approve. I have developed a sense of codepency leaving me battling my sense of meaning to my place in the universe. Time taps her hands on my shoulder letting me know she is moving on with or without me. And I start to dream of who I could have been.

In a sense—I am a people pleasing addict too. I want you to like me. Sure– everyone does to some degree but what extent will I go to for you to like me MORE. I have perfectionist genes that rear their ugly little heads making me want to be the best! Better than you.

Where is the humble in that?

Truth is I am trying to please someone who is just as insecure as I am. I manipulate, fold and told the other person until they too meet my needs. I only assume the person feels a certain way about me when it is only my perception anyway. Actuality is I don’t know how they feel. And so The Dance Waltz’s into the night.

Big men and little God–that has become my mentality. I have let the world mold me into a façade of impressions based on what you wanted me to be. Now, I don’t know who I am.

Oh it isn’t your fault. It is mine.

In our AA meetings, life is real. No one tries to impress the other. I realize that we lost just about everything… we have nothing left but the real. We were stripped of the walls that were built to impress you long ago. Now, I don’t have to impress anyone, the group wouldn’t care anyway. They would just call my bluff. It is little men and big God.

Slowly this mentality is trickling over into my life.

I was not given life to become something of the world, but to find out who I am and become that person.

Beautifully Awkward

Emotional Sobriety

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 18, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Being emotionally sober might be harder than chemically sober. I have learned a lot these past few months about myself. I have learned that I am self-centered, self-absorbed and just selfish. If God had said to me, do not eat of the fruit of this tree, I would have said, “Surely not, I am your chosen one…” and would have made an apple pie from every last apple on the tree.

 

I have seen the ugly side of my external internal war that rages within me. If only the “me” could retreat, the battle would be over. Peace eludes me. Self-centeredness is a poison in my emotional system. It creates havoc in my daily life. Fear sets in. Anger, resentment and self-pity become my guiding force. All this in the pursuit of happiness.

 

I have learned that happiness is an inside job. Life and circumstances outside of me having nothing, absolutely nothing to do with my happiness.

 

I no longer have to do the best Waltz on the dance floor, but only gaze into the eyes of my beloved as we dance. It’s not about people pleasing but enjoying life and the gifts God has given me.

 

Oh, I still catch myself seeking the attention of the world, atta-boys, but I don’t have to for my happiness. I am much happier when I don’t seek the awareness of other people. I have a choice.

 

I can finally sit and really listen to people talk to me without my mind racing around trying to think of the next story that will top theirs. A story that would surely glorify me.

 

Yes, my heart has been replaced with the Father’s heart….My quiet place…

Beautifully Awkward

Venti Skinny Latte Please

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on June 5, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

There is no graduation for addicts… it is a period of remission and exacerbation… and for many of us, we just substitute for something else.

We laugh at our new-found coffee addiction or just fill in the blank, but for many…it’s the truth.

Keeping my eyes on Jesus is my only hope.

Beautifully Awkward

Memorial Day–The Fight Is On

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on May 30, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Today we remember those who fought… or served  our country. And I am forever grateful.

There is, however, some of us that are fighting a war daily–the war of addiction. I myself wake up each morning filled with gratitude that today I am living on the side of surrendered. Surrendered to my Heavenly Father.

This war is real. It rages on whether I am in active duty or not. The mind is always on guard to captivity stance. So it is important that I surround myself with those things that will protect me from a great fall.

Things such as God’s Word.

Friends that have walked this walk.

Professionals that truly understand the world of addiction without condemnation.

And a family that supports me.

Today, I give honor to those that have fought…and in memory of those that have lost that battle.

Beautifully Awkward

The Perfect Storm

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on March 29, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

The Perfect Storm

Standing in the cold

I find no shelter from the rain.

Hope of a lesser Kind

Love such forgotten.

The storm of redemption

Jealously takes hold of my soul.

The rain picks up her pace hard against my skin.

And the thunder rolls in close.

There is a climax of Earth’s beauty as Mother Nature cries out.

There is a Perfect Storm.

Then the denouement.

Speculation—maybe.

Summation—surely.

Peace 

 Silence

Thus, the events of my life.

For the peace of God transcends all understanding…” (Philippians 4:7)

Beautifully Awkward

The Rocking Chair

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 21, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

My journey has been a lot like a rocking chair–a lot of motion but I haven’t gone anywhere. Or it used to be that way before my time in sobriety.

Before I had clean time (as we call it), someone compared my hitting bottom as reaching my threshold of pain. As my circumstances changed, I quickly lowered my standards. I had found incomprehensible demoralization through my helpless and hopeless life.

Today, however I look at my painful past in my pursuit of sobriety, I have to clinch my resolve to pursue my true self.

Knowing my sober life is not enough … I now have to find emotional sobriety.

There is a stirring of a Great Power within my soul– the place deep inside described as Hope. And when I accept this as the place I am to be, I can rest in the arms of my God.

I can find true peace …for

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. … I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.

In this, I find happiness.

Slowly, I rock—back and forth—content in my world.

Beautifully Awkward

Here Comes The Son

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on February 13, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

A new day has begun. I grab my running shoes on this cold brisk morning and head out the door. It takes a while before my breathing begins to slow and my body begins to warm.

I’m alone except for the battlefield of my mind and her raging wars. Once again, I try to process the events of my so-called less-than-perfect life. Once again, I realize no one really understands unless they have walked this journey.

I go to open my mouth by my words elude my soul. My memories have made me this way.

My praise is all but gone. I lift my hands and wait for You to take them. I raise my voice up and wait.

What meaning would faith have, if You saved me overnight?  I rest in that thought.

The Sun rises and I smile as I turn the corner. It reminds me that You sent me one more promise in the day.

Lord, I lift my hands and pray, here comes the SON.

Beautifully Awkward

Daydream Believer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 29, 2011 by Her Broken Wing

Shaped my world were games of Eeny meeny miny moe, he loves me he loves me not and dreams of sailing away from my world with my make-believe lover.

Daydreaming, I believed I would be rescued from the Demons that danced and twirled in my pain-ridden world. I waited endless nights for my Prince Charming.

Restless inside, I drank the deep. I dreamt of another world of peace and happiness.

My secrets, however, would soon be found and the world had its way with me.

Daydreaming, I believe I would be rescued from the Demons that danced and twirled in my head.

Buried by my many walls, I walked on this side of the world.Thinking I was protected. Praying I was. Finding I only excluded my Prince Charming from ever finding me.

And then, my once sacred pearls scattered abroad. I had held on too tight. Now,they knew. I was exposed.

My dream world was shattered.

I never saw it coming. I never saw Him coming. The change was subtle.  My soft foundation shifted and I fell.

Only then did the Prince Charming greater than my wildest dreams reach down and pick me up. (Isaiah 9:5)

All through a Daydream Believer.

(John 3:16)

Beautifully Awkward

No Room In The Inn

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on December 23, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

A cold and fallen race—A world that would receive its King in a barn with animals instead of the royalty due. No doubt we have all been stricken with a case of Christmas time blues of Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick. Thus, we miss the true meaning of this special time of year.

When Mary arrived in labor, I would guess, it was not at the local Holiday Inn. Yet, all the rooms in the Inn were full. She had to be put up in a less than clean place to birth her baby. I can only imagine—it stunk! I don’t know about Mary but I know when I was pregnant, every smell was heightened and repulsed me. So I can only conceive this to be a less than desirable place to give birth.

I have heard this story—Christ’s birth, many times. But have I become desensitized to the glory of its meaning? If so, can I conceive Him in my heart every day?

“Though Christ a thousand times…” (Angelus Silesius)

Is there room in your Inn?

Merry Christmas

Beautifully Awkward

Washed Ashore

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on December 17, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Sobriety is a gift. But it can also be taken from me in the blink of an eye. I am on guard when times are tough but what about when times are good? I let my defenses down. I relax. And it is in those times, I also let my guard down.

In those moments, I remember the euphoria of life artificially induced by chemicals that I might seek the pleasures long forgotten or by something never known.

During these times, I must be on my safeguard from failure.

One day not too long ago, I sat on the beach listening to the water wash ashore, enjoying the warmth of the sun as it beat down on my shoulders. I should have been content but I was not. I wanted to rise higher. Like a little child, “Swing me higher daddy.”

I went back to the days when I was unrestrained. My thoughts shook my foundation for the brief time in which I stood unsettled.

Whether life is good, bad or just indifferent, I will always need to be on watch.

For this day I am given the gift of peace in my shipwrecked mind.

Washed ashore–I am grateful–for today!

Beautifully Awkward