Archive for Faith

The Waterfall of Passion

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 5, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Our Blind Spot is the place in the visual field that corresponds to the lack of light-detecting…

And the Light came into the world.” (John 3:19) 

Was I blind to this too?

The emotions abound– flooding my soul. I lived out of an emotional tidal wave. Somewhere along the way, this became my way of life. I thrived on the emotional ebb and flow– Thus, the seeking of others the attention from my highs and lows. Living in a chaotic state, I learned to thrive from this passionate world of feelings.

Then one day I found religion. I didn’t say faith, I said religion. I found a way of life. Working and striving to live out of a self-seeking approval of the Almighty. To no surprise, the day came when I grew weary of this life–too. No passion, no heart in this so-called place of ??– what was all the hype?

What next?

One day someone asked me –“Where is your passion?”

I froze.

I could not answer the question. The true passion that brings stinging tears to my eyes causing me to weep waterfalls of sadness or joy as I drop to my knees.

I was blind to the world around me, I had become (or always had been) self-centered, self-indulgent and lived in my self-pity. A blind spot to my Heavenly Father, for how could Someone love someone like me? Someone with no faith, but only the religiosity of  myself.

So I ran from God… I just didn’t get it.

And in the shattered moments where the darkness collides with the shady and sinister rearview images, the only scene left is that in which lies ahead

Faith is all I have left… I have been stripped of the marred, scarred and obliteration of my tightly bound heart so that now I may be liberated to a new passion and new delight, hence now I bask in the Light—no longer blind to the truth!

For I have found my Abba in the waterfalls of passion.

Beautifully Awkward

The Wrinkle Effect

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on August 2, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

The other day I put on a white shirt and white shorts as if to represent a new purity… It had begun to rain. Slowly at first the rain trickled. I stepped outside into the rain. I looked up to the Heavens. Soon the Heavens tears embraced my body. I felt the warm drops against my skin as the drops slid gently off my flesh.

I could smell the rain. It was like that of the Morning Sea.

I stuck my tongue out and tasted the freshness of the Heavens—Light and refreshing as manna from my Abba.

And then the burdens of Heaven came bursting forth– The downpour of the Spirits as they sang in harmony– A symphony of celestial music undefined by the human ear. I swirled in the rain and danced with my Abba.

Cleansing…the waters whispered sacredness too intimate to reveal… a silver shine of the tiny drops reflected my soul. I dropped to my knees. The grass sang a song of praise to the Heavens.

Why haven’t I heard this before? For too long I had run from the pureness of the cleansing rains.

I realized then that I may have never known the raindrop on my face, my flesh, or the deepest place of my heart had I not danced in the ecstasy of that moment.

I studied a puddle of rain and watched as the droplets created a ripple effect that reached the far ends of the waters.

Such as my life – What type of wrinkle have I caused in other’s lives?

Beautifully Awkward

Peace in the Chaos

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on June 26, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
Standing on the street corner early one morning, I had an epiphany. The cars, the horns, the chatter of people— not paying attention to the silent figure. Chaos and lots of it. Busy life. The hustle bustle of everyday survival. Dressed in our best as to hide our dark secrets.  

  

I had lived in a world of chaos all my life. Turmoil was the norm for me. It was my comfortable blanket like that of a small child carried tightly against his chest.   

  

  

Soon I heard an unfamiliar sound–the silence,a quiet, a calm… I briefly closed my eyes and inhaled a strange aroma. Unfamiliar once again to my senses, I held my breath as if the sense was just an illusion. Afraid I would blink and it would be gone. I recognized by its definition– Peace–maybe.    

Peace in chaos.    

In the world of addictions, we thrive on our self-absorbed pain(s). We are selfish. Thus, those around us in pain are only a reassurance and confirmation to the sickness that runs through our veins. Their pain is an affirmation to an ailing world and one we must protect ourselves from, so we dull our senses. We no longer smell, taste or hear but that in which we choose. Addiction was my self punishment. Ironically as I tried to dull my senses, I was only  inflicting more pain.  The more pain I could inflict the better I felt. I was not worthy of a life of happiness. The Dependence of such substances (food, people, religion, drugs) became a tremendously painful cycle.    

Thinking back…    

I think of when I was a small child playing on the playground, laughing and carefree as I twirl around spinning until I fell down. I would get dizzy, wobble and fall. I laughed. When did I quit laughing? When did life become…life?    

Fast forward to an adult, my life was spinning out of control until I fell (again). Oh, in the beginning I tried many times to get up and did but only to fall many more times. Eventually, I grew weary.  Eventually, I stayed down.    

Looking up to the Heavens… just like I did as a child when I had spun around too many times…I lie there and breathe in. Tears form and trickle down my cheeks.   

I cry, then I sob—What now?    

So many people have had opinions. They stood on the playground and watched as I fell. Some judged. Some just loved from a distance. Some were silent. But–Some reached in and embraced me. Those are the ones that are now walking with me on this passage.    

Who leads you? Who do we choose?    

Would you fly with a pilot that had never flown the course? Or a sailor that now sails unchartered territory? Or what about the blind man as he tells you about a green tree?    

God–first…    

 God –last!   

Leave the people behind that hurt you… walk with those that will help you grow…    

Close your eyes…Now inhale the peace in the midst of chaos…    

Beautifully Awkward    

Thank God for Wrong Turns

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 13, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night so thirsty you would drink the water out of the commode if you had to? OK that is a little drastic but it makes my point.

Some years ago, I was injured and in so much pain that I thought to myself, “I now understand how wild animals can chew their own limbs off when maimed.”

In other words, we will go to any means to rid ourselves of any distress. Whether it is temporary relief or permanent, our main focus is immediate relief.

Think about the young girl who soon blossoms into a sexually attractive teenager. She has the eye of the young men or anyone for that matter for the first time. She now has a power she has not had before. It feels good. She feels good. It is filling her emptiness, her void.

What about the teenager whom was the apple of her daddy’s eye. But she carried their little secret. She now finds solace in food. She is trying; she is hoping that no one will ever find her attractive again.

There once lived a child who dwelled in a fantasy world; in which she never quite outgrew the dreams of her youth.  She wished for the “happy ever after” for her mommy and her daddy that had divorced many years ago. She began to tell those around her the story of how it was to be. Soon she too believed it. Fantasy and real life were no longer separate. The boundaries of the two had been shattered and intertwined.

And then the socially unacceptable disease was diagnosed to those who would uphold the title. Drug addict. Alcoholic. Call it as you may.

All of these–addicts, liars, sexual addictions, overeaters, pornography, cheaters, gossipers, angry angry people, we are basically the same. Are they self-inflicted wounds?

I think not. Not entirely.

Rather, a point of grasping something tangible. It is the last possible coping means left, albeit, not that wonderful of a survival skill but a mere bridge between sanity and death on the current roadmap of our journey.

This is where we will drop our luggage, lighten our load and find the true pursuit of our purpose.

I would not trade this journey at all. Had I missed this turn, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am in a better place, and the sites are beautiful.

Thank God for wrong turns.

Beautifully Awkward

Divine Sparks

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 28, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Who Am I?

So many times I have been uncertain of who I was and now–who I will be. But I am reminded that I was born with a purpose and a plan. (Psalm 139)

It was in a split nanosecond of time in which my soul ignited at its’ entry into earth where I then became a Divine Spark— that is who I am.

Somewhere along my journey, I had become distracted by the physical, the mental and the emotional desires that steered me off the path of my original destiny.

How do I find my way back home where insanity does not prevail? For”I am the way, the truth, and the life.”(John 14:6)

Soon we will all become one. (1 Corinthians 12:17-19” … And if they were all one member, where were the body? But now they are many members, but one body”) 

 Yes, we are Divine Sparks waiting to light the soul next to us.

Live and light on..

Beautifully Awkward

Use Your Weapon

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 22, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I discussed with a dear friend the other day some concerns regarding addiction. She wanted to know more about alcohol and drug dependence, specifically. Ironically, I recently had become aware of how little people really do know about this illness. My friend is dealing with someone in her family that is chemically dependent.  Although she does not suffer from chemical dependency at this point, she does suffer from a type of addiction–food. She is obese. She also understands how susceptible she is to many of the disease I will mention and addiction as well.

Most people just do not understand this illness so they become the sideline spectator. It’s like when I sit on the sidelines of a football game. All of a sudden, I become the expert referee, coach and player when truthfully I don’t know much about the game. My outbursts come during many excitable moments of the game. It is easier to yell from the bleachers and say, “Just don’t do it” especially if you really do not understand the dynamics of this game (illness).

I have a great personal interest invested into this disease–for many personal reasons other than just myself but I will leave it at that. So recently I did some research and found an article on addiction. I also consulted with several medical professionals who deal with this malady on a daily basis.  I have developed great faith and trust in the information the physicians provided regarding “Indulgences of the chemical kind!”

Thus, one of the first things counselors and addiction researcher’s stress about drug and alcohol dependency is that it is a disease, not a simple choice. Though people may decide to try drugs or may be treated for chronic pain, consequently an addict is born at the first pill. Addiction is now a physical and mental need.

“There IS a point in time where it IS a choice – but that window is very narrow,” Most of the time, people do not even realize they are addicted to the medication until they are at a point of no return or usually still in treatment for their ailment, said Wyoming Valley counselor James Crossan,  a recovered addict himself.

Crossan leaned forward. “People don’t pick  drug addiction or alcoholism.” Dr. Charles Dackis explains addiction as a disease of the brain’s award center– Kind of like food, pornography, the constant need for Atta-boys, church over-achievers and the list is infinite.

Is addiction hereditary? Yes…it can be… but it doesn’t have to be.

Do not let people tell you that you cannot beat this, you can. If you have failed a million times, who is to say you were to make your miracle at a million and one? People can be cruel, they will use our disease as a weapon against us but God uses our weakness to strengthen us. (2 Corinthians1:3-5; Matthew 11:28-20)

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2Corinthians 12:9)

Use your weapon!!

Beautifully Awkward

Signed By God

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 2, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I have made some really dumb decisions over the past years. However, most of the decisions I have made in my life have been based on my security scale rating for that day. I can tell you it has never been very high.  If I was feeling rather low (which was most days), my choice in any matter, would tend to run on the self-destructive side. The result was either me trying to sweep the left over crumbs of my behavior under the rug or just pretend the situation never occurred.  Out of sight, out of mind!!

It really took most my life to figure out that my poor decisions equaled the level of my insecurity, thus, causing total misery. Early on in my drug use, I made every attempt to stop.  Every morning when I woke up it was the same conversation with God. I promise to do better. And I did mean it– But as the years rolled by, I eventually quit trying. Why bother, it was the same story every morning. Shame had overtaken me. I fell deeper and deeper into depression.

Once I quit trying, I realized this only compounded my wretchedness. I could no longer see God’s face. I was too ashamed of myself and what He thought of me.(I did not know He could still see my face. I was like the small child closing their eyes so their parents could not see them. I was no different.)

I have heard it said ( I believe Beth Moore), “Pain is easier than purposelessness.” I understand this now. I had lost my purpose in life…

I was no longer a wife to truly speak of…I was no longer managing our home. I slept too much.

I was a terrible parent. I was missing my children s functions at school while they are so young.

My identity as a nurse was gone.

Everything I knew… was gone.

I was no longer fearful of any type of pain… In a sick sense, I felt I deserved it. When I got sick or hurt, I welcomed it and I challenged it because I felt like it was warranted as my punishment.

So now that I am on a journey of healing, I am better but I still have days that I struggle with the security scales… I have days that I base my acceptance of how others receive and perceive me.  I am still learning to turn this over to God and leave it in His lap… for good.

I have to understand that those around me are on their own journeys and however I may have hurt them in the past or that it may have nothing to do with me,it may just take time. I have a tendency to want things back to normal….a sap. But then do I really? For to go back to where I was, would mean death.

So today, I come as a blank slate before God…. I let Him write my life with His words…

In the Hands of God

Beautifully Awkward

Beautifully Awkward

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 27, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I remember when I was in my twenties; I walked out of the church and for absolutely no apparent reason fell flat on my face. It felt like I was in one of those cartoons and I was going down in slow motion. When I hit the ground, all I could think of was–Did anyone see me! Let’s face it—I was never given the gift of grace in a physical sense at least.

Years later, I was running with some friends and as I went to kick a rock, I missed the rock, went flying into the air and twisted my ankle, again—not very graceful. My friends pulled me aside into a pile of leaves while they went to get the car, little did they know they left me in a bed of ants.

Oh, my stories are endless.

Unfortunately the humor eventually began to fade. These past few years when I began to have more and more car accidents (fender benders mostly), my family just assumed it was my typical lack of grace. We laughed it off initially.  But in time, my husband began to get concerned and he started probing into my stories, just not too deep. I think he was afraid of what he might find. And I was not going to tell him. I’m not sure I could.

One night a show came on called Intervention. It was about drug-addicts and helping them come clean. The husband on the show discussed how many car accidents his wife had recently had and how he believed her stories in the beginning.  She tried to pass the accidents off as being distracted with the children. For a while, he bought into her stories.

My husband watched the show intently.    I… Held…My… Breath.

I will never forget the look on my husband’s face. I knew then he knew. It wasn’t long after that before everything about my nightmarish life came bursting forth from the darkness (Eph. 5:8-14). And I have never seen such a horrendous obsession destroy someone –who had everything– in such an unbelievable force and swiftness. It left me breathless.

And I was down for the count. I had fallen from grace. I was as awkward as the day I fell in front of hundreds at church .

And now, I wondered—did anyone see me fall!

And then as I was as low as I could go, I looked up, and there were these beautiful hands reaching for me…And I heard Him whisper– Beautifully Awkward –you are my daughter.

Given a new grace…I have come to love myself so that I may now love you.

Beautifully Awkward

In My Father’s Hand

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 24, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

In my Father’s hand, I sit…I wait.

I pray.

And I am thankful for the life He gave back to me.

In a sense, I have been born again.

My wings are broken beyond repair in such a way they are irreparable.

I cannot fly, nor do I wish to.

I rest

I will be back in a few days…

(and thank you my friend at Little Red Hearts for doing this picture for me)

God Bless

Drowning in the Sea of People Pleasing

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 22, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I remember when I was younger and I went out for a swim. The waters were a little rough that day but very inviting. So I decided to take a swim and soon I lost track of how far I had swam out. The winds had picked up and so did the waves. The undercurrent was also getting rough so I decided to swim back to the beach. As I began to swim back in, I began to kick harder against the waves. I realized I was having trouble because of the worsening weather conditions, so I starting to assess how I could get in to the beach without drowning. Within seconds, out of nowhere, a man came up from behind me hysterically flailing around in the water and grabbed a hold of me. He was in a panic. At this point, we were both going to drown.  I had seen in the movies where the person hits the flailing person in the head and knocks them out so he/or she could drag the other person in. Well, I don’t think I was going to be able to carry that off. I didn’t have the strength to even hold my head above water. Thank God, someone saw what was happening and saved us both.

My life has been a lot like the time in the water, except I believe I have become the flailing person. I have held onto people in my life to the point of drowning, all for that last bit of approval. I was living in the sea of people pleasing, drowning in my own fears. Over and over again these past years, I have been faced with almost an identical situation. It has taken me F.O.R.E.V.E.R. and a million drugs to realize that there is something more important out there for me. I have also learned thus far— that I have to let God show me what those things are in which I have spent my life running from. I can be very stubborn and it has cost me almost everything, including my life.

Little did I know I would have to lose my life in a sense to gain it (Matthew 16:24). There is was a particular person in my life that wreaked havoc.  From the very first day I met her till the day we parted ways, it was pretty much a nightmare.   She is a negative, conniving, and undermining of what people do or tried to do. She is a major gossiper; and well, she is just downright evil.  Everyone talks about her and how bad it is (even her boss) but they buddy up with her so they can stay on her good side– Myself included. Basically, she is an adult bully. And I would get so angry at times, I wanted to tell God just to beat her up.

For some reason, I felt it necessary to grab a hold of her struggles and sink with her. I grabbed a hold of her own sinking vessel, as I had the lame idea that she could somehow rescue my identity– Pull me to shore.  What a bizarre and warped idea– I know– but I kept searching for my self-worth in all the wrong places. It reminds me of the country and western song, “Looking for love in all the wrong places.” I would say that was fitting.

Why do I do this? Well, that is something I am working on now (for my journey is young—as all of us) but I do know it has nothing to do with this person.  She is only a symptom of a much bigger disease. And now that I have removed her from my life, I am much happier.  One of my many lessons God has revealed is that although I do need to learn to love everyone, I don’t have to like them. The biggest change in my life came when I started praying for this person. She obviously needs love.

I heard a friend say today…

It’s not in the finding of God but in the daily seeking…