Sometimes… it’s about being still in the midst of Choas… (Psalm 46:10)
Love,
Connie
Archive for Faith
Be Still
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Faith, Psalm on April 29, 2012 by Her Broken WingSerendipity
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Faith, Hope, John on February 4, 2012 by Her Broken Wing
Serendipity….A fortunate accident.
You might say that is what happened to me: My addiction a fortunate accident? Well, yes in a sense. Today I feel that way. Two years ago, not so much. But today, sobriety is a gift.
Long ago, I longed to feel “normal” like my friends. Their lives were so together. My life was in such turmoil that I felt sure everyone knew what a screw up I was. So as a child, I tried to fit in.
Fast forward some years and the pattern continued. Early on, I would descend into a world of addiction and lose my identity even further. Fragile from the barrage of abuse, I felt I had come home to the numb feelings I now experienced.
Life had her way with me. Consequences from my choices.
Despair.
*Sigh*
But for the grace of God…
I was called into place of something they described as “Rehabilitation.” Oh, in the beginning I was very angry and didn’t want to be in this place. It wasn’t my choice, but then really it was. I was just so tired.
“Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly…,” I started to let go of the anger and resentment and open up to those around me. The people in my groups were happy. I often thought to myself, “What could they be happy about?” They aren’t normal. They can never drink again. They can’t take a pill without going off the deep end. My life was over as I knew it.
Well thank God. Because my life just sucked.
I hadn’t had a clean and sober day in years. And now I was living a normal (used loosely) life. Today, I am learning to walk a path I never discovered before.
Life is good. I am living in freedom. (John 10:10)
A fortunate accident indeed.
Beautifully Awkward
It’s OK To Not Feel OK
Posted in Uncategorized with tags emotions, Faith, Friends on February 3, 2012 by Her Broken Wing
Getting clean and sober is a life-changing experience. I tried to hold it together with drugs and alcohol in place of humanity that would be strange and new. I was scared. This would be my new home– that without alcohol and drugs. I wasn’t sure I really liked this place. A place I would be required to feel every emotion good, bad and indifferent.
Nonetheless, recovery is about attaining a place in my world. I would move away from my safe haven (or what I thought to be safe) to a new circle of friends and even family. I would find a new career. I would develop new interests. And I would finally become an adult.
Change is never easy. Finding a place I “belong” into a world –I intuitively know –where most people don’t even know I exist.
So it is no wonder I was stuck for so long in my addiction. It takes great courage to move out into the world. Actually, I never learned it was OK to not feel OK. And being stuck was my way of life.
It really is not the addiction so much as fear I experienced… Fear of change and of changing.
Today…. Life just Simply is…
Beautifully Awkward
I Am Enough
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Faith, Freedom, Hope, John, journey on September 19, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
When I am not enough, the Sun rises again.
When I am not enough, the seas bellow up and cry “Holy.”
When I am not enough, the wind kisses my face tenderly.
and when I am not enough, Your Son sends me a hug through a friend.
I am reminded daily that yes, I am enough. I am abundantly and richly filled with Grace, love and life. (Jn 10:10)
Reminding me~~
That I am enough…
Beautifully Awkward
The Broken Spirit
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Broken, despair, Faith, John on May 3, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
But it has been a year …or so… I should be… I should be what? Over it? Better?
How did it happen that my physical body heals and the emotional body was left unnoticed –for a time? I was doing so well and then I hit “The Wall.” My emotional breaking point.
No reason, really. Maybe you said something to me, looked at me a certain way, it really doesn’t matter because the break was bound to happen with you or without you. See it had nothing to do with you. I needed this final fracture of my spirit.
Now, I have nothing left.
“It is finished.” John 19:30
My spirit I give to the Father.
Beautifully Awkward
Living In The Answer
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Faith on April 17, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
And I eventually moved to a Higher Plane… Where I asked God for Inspiration.
My struggles had ceased for the day.
I have ceased fighting anything or anyone–even my disease.
My sanity wanes.
My feelings of uselessness and self-pity come and go…but my experience today is more on the level of acceptance.
Today, I have stopped living in the problem and started living in the answer. In my right to chemical peace of mind.
Just for today–and that is God’s will for me.
(Alcoholics Anonymous)
Beautifully Awkward
The Perfect Storm
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Faith, Hope, Philipians, Serenity on March 29, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
The Perfect Storm
Standing in the cold
I find no shelter from the rain.
Hope of a lesser Kind
Love such forgotten.
The storm of redemption
Jealously takes hold of my soul.
The rain picks up her pace hard against my skin.
And the thunder rolls in close.
There is a climax of Earth’s beauty as Mother Nature cries out.
There is a Perfect Storm.
Then the denouement.
Speculation—maybe.
Summation—surely.
Peace
Silence
Thus, the events of my life.
“For the peace of God transcends all understanding…” (Philippians 4:7)
Beautifully Awkward
The Resurrection
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Faith on March 14, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
There cannot be a Resurrection without a death…
Daydream Believer
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Faith, Hope, Isaiah, John, journey on January 29, 2011 by Her Broken Wing
Shaped my world were games of Eeny meeny miny moe, he loves me he loves me not and dreams of sailing away from my world with my make-believe lover.
Daydreaming, I believed I would be rescued from the Demons that danced and twirled in my pain-ridden world. I waited endless nights for my Prince Charming.
Restless inside, I drank the deep. I dreamt of another world of peace and happiness.
My secrets, however, would soon be found and the world had its way with me.
Daydreaming, I believe I would be rescued from the Demons that danced and twirled in my head.
Buried by my many walls, I walked on this side of the world.Thinking I was protected. Praying I was. Finding I only excluded my Prince Charming from ever finding me.
And then, my once sacred pearls scattered abroad. I had held on too tight. Now,they knew. I was exposed.
My dream world was shattered.
I never saw it coming. I never saw Him coming. The change was subtle. My soft foundation shifted and I fell.
Only then did the Prince Charming greater than my wildest dreams reach down and pick me up. (Isaiah 9:5)
All through a Daydream Believer.
(John 3:16)
Beautifully Awkward
Washed Ashore
Posted in Uncategorized with tags Faith, Hope, Trust, weakness on December 17, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
Sobriety is a gift. But it can also be taken from me in the blink of an eye. I am on guard when times are tough but what about when times are good? I let my defenses down. I relax. And it is in those times, I also let my guard down.
In those moments, I remember the euphoria of life artificially induced by chemicals that I might seek the pleasures long forgotten or by something never known.
During these times, I must be on my safeguard from failure.
One day not too long ago, I sat on the beach listening to the water wash ashore, enjoying the warmth of the sun as it beat down on my shoulders. I should have been content but I was not. I wanted to rise higher. Like a little child, “Swing me higher daddy.”
I went back to the days when I was unrestrained. My thoughts shook my foundation for the brief time in which I stood unsettled.
Whether life is good, bad or just indifferent, I will always need to be on watch.
For this day I am given the gift of peace in my shipwrecked mind.
Washed ashore–I am grateful–for today!
Beautifully Awkward
Her Broken wing 