Archive for emotions

Then Sings My Soul

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on October 25, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

My awakening…followed by nights of slumber.

I toss.

I turn.

There will be moments of clarity before the fog rolls back into my mind hindering my thought process once again.

My brain begins to play games with me–teasing me. I fall into its’ drama. I believe the deception it whispers.

Similar to a small animal in a maze, I can only see that which appears in the moment. Yet, wishing I could rise like the Eagle above the clouds, soaring high as the wind guides her wings. Nevertheless, the scenario’s are two distinct patterns of my life at different times in a given day.

Most days though, I hover in between…not quite sure where I belong. Impatiently, I wait… for the right time that never comes. But I try to fit in. I do try — to belong.

A glance…A shrug…A smile

Maybe, if I’m lucky.

In return, my soul.

I all too freely give away my heart before its ripened to maturity. Thus, allowing the pulsating motions regulated through the elements of sensitivity to run away with that which is pressing .

As I fall back to sleep, He is there…He dances with my spirit.

My feet move, trying to find the rhythm. My heartbeat slows down to the sound of rain and the sense of His presence.

Then sings my soul…

Beautifully Awkward

Emotions Gone Wild

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on September 22, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Emotions abound…Gone wild in a sense.

Today is a new day—so are my passions.

It has been hard to write lately– Mostly, because my emotions are all over the page. I start, I delete. Or I realize I have just rambled on endlessly about something totally weird.  I have to laugh, because that “weird” is who I am– The uniqueness of me.

You see I was born deformed… that is in the “emotional” sense.  I am deficient of the inborn instinct that not even I can touch but always sought to feed with my physical cravings. Its hunger was insatiable. I rummaged through the cupboards of my life trying to gratify its desire.

And I longed to fill the void.

I have sought foolish dreams that in retrospect left me with a deep soul-sickness and heartbreaking emptiness. But each time, I would rise from the rubble reveling with a stronger pride and self-righteousness—the drink of oblivion — Then self-justification.  It became my lifelong cycle.

Despair.

Eventually, the day came when I no longer looked in the mirror. It had been a long time since I had recognized that person anyway.  And it wouldn’t be long before “well-meaning” family and friends would hold up a picture of me and who I had become. 

Denial–which only continued to feed my worthlessness.

Then the day came… “I let you go.”

I don’t know if it was me, God or those I loved but I imagine all–for the impact was tremendous, I fell back and it would be sometime before I could catch my breath.  My fight was gone. Not so much within me, but within the place I longed to fill.

”I have released you to God…” So were my circumstances.

The dark corners of my emotional vault burst forth a wonder—Not just survival.

But Life!

Beautifully Awkward.

The Waterfall of Passion

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 5, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Our Blind Spot is the place in the visual field that corresponds to the lack of light-detecting…

And the Light came into the world.” (John 3:19) 

Was I blind to this too?

The emotions abound– flooding my soul. I lived out of an emotional tidal wave. Somewhere along the way, this became my way of life. I thrived on the emotional ebb and flow– Thus, the seeking of others the attention from my highs and lows. Living in a chaotic state, I learned to thrive from this passionate world of feelings.

Then one day I found religion. I didn’t say faith, I said religion. I found a way of life. Working and striving to live out of a self-seeking approval of the Almighty. To no surprise, the day came when I grew weary of this life–too. No passion, no heart in this so-called place of ??– what was all the hype?

What next?

One day someone asked me –“Where is your passion?”

I froze.

I could not answer the question. The true passion that brings stinging tears to my eyes causing me to weep waterfalls of sadness or joy as I drop to my knees.

I was blind to the world around me, I had become (or always had been) self-centered, self-indulgent and lived in my self-pity. A blind spot to my Heavenly Father, for how could Someone love someone like me? Someone with no faith, but only the religiosity of  myself.

So I ran from God… I just didn’t get it.

And in the shattered moments where the darkness collides with the shady and sinister rearview images, the only scene left is that in which lies ahead

Faith is all I have left… I have been stripped of the marred, scarred and obliteration of my tightly bound heart so that now I may be liberated to a new passion and new delight, hence now I bask in the Light—no longer blind to the truth!

For I have found my Abba in the waterfalls of passion.

Beautifully Awkward

The Novocaine Has Worn Off

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 31, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I woke up the other night and my left arm was asleep…so much that when I tried to move it, it flopped and hit me right in the face… I hate that because I know what is to come. When the feeling began to return, it was excruciatingly uncomfortable for a short time before the feeling did return. Within a few minutes, the hypersensitivity began. The pins and needles sticking into my tender flesh was only the beginning, then the feelings of a ticklish type annoyance where I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry overcame my mind for a time. My focus at that point was on nothing but the pain I was currently enduring.

When it was over, peace. It’s crazy. All that –and all I did was compress a body part!

So, what about the years I suppressed (compressed) my mind with the drugs and alcohol ( plug in whatever you want or struggle with)?  Truly there is no difference! I numbed my mind completely. Dead asleep. The longer my mind was asleep–the worse my recovery became.

In medicine, we give Novocaine to numb and prevent pain. For me, subconsciously I presume, I self-medicated with prescription drugs (as if this makes it more acceptable) to dull the pain of my insecurities and imperfections. Keeping my loved one at arm’s length as to keep them from knowing my secret–I am not perfect! Never did it occur to me that no one is perfect except Christ. And that God prefers us that way to minister to others. (2 corinthians 1:3-5)

And so the day came–My mind was clearing and the feelings returning…. Let me say–I’d rather go through a million arms and legs returning from its slumber than the mind. The pain can be unbearable at times. My mind  played mean tricks on me. In the beginning I was in a gray fog… Which I believe was God’s gift–protecting me from the physical effects of the poisons leaving my body. But then–the hypersensitivity–the roller coaster of emotions began where I did not know whether to laugh or cry! Some days, comprehending life was like trying to drink water out of a fire hydrant. It was just too much for me.

One day, I am elated the next day I wonder if I can get out of bed. Too often we “addicts” are diagnosed with emotional disorders when really our emotions have not leveled out. I am full of junk that drove me to disparity. I am trying to  slap my arm around as if this will speed up the process of trying to get the feelings to come back. Same thing– I try to rush my healing, I want it more than anything… but it’s not mine to fix.. It’s my Abba Fathers.  For I have been unable to focus–before today– so why should I think I can steer this ship? 

But soon, very soon, the feelings are returning–good, bad and indifferent and this is where I can begin my journey of having God remove my shortcomings as they surface.

The feelings of happy, sad, anger, regret, sorrow and joy return… the very emotions I tried to hide, suppress and remove…but now I will know them with a new meaning.

Awake my soul… Psalm 57:8

The Novocaine has worn off.

Beautifully Awkward