Archive for Broken

The Weathered Life Part II

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 28, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
Turning her life over to God wasn’t easy. She had never trusted anyone. So coming to Him was her last desperate call-to-hope.
 

 

She thought to herself as she stood by the heater– her teeth chattering, “Why didn’t I stop?” The poison ran through her veins and the demons screamed through the cracks of her hell. But she could not let go. She would sell off pieces of her soul each day. Not until the horrible day.

She watched as her days washed out like the tide. Time was gone like the Sun as it set for good, leaving her dark and alone. Sadness had rested in her heart in places that she thought would never heal.

The memories still hurt and she tried not to go back there often.

He was only five. He loved her more than anything and he would wait like he did each time. But this particular day, she had too much of a bad thing. The drugs ran through her body. But she went home like she always did– anyway. She took the same route, although she didn’t remember it. She even thought, “What would she tell her husband this time?” She knew she would lie to him. And she knew he would expect it. It was their dance.

But this time it was different, she never saw him.

She had pulled into the driveway with tremendous speed. She underestimated the distance. Again. There was a loud thump. She figured her son left his bike out. She would scold him when she went in the house. She got out of the car and walked to the back of her car.

And there, at that moment, she would not ever be able to turn back the clock. She dropped to her knees and held her lifeless little boy.

The rest is a blur.

To be con’t

Beautifully Awkward

The Spirits Dance

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 20, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

In despair, I bow my head. No rhythm to the life I’ve lived, so I pray.
The shadows run and hide at His name. But I could not escape the darkness.

But how pure the sound of God.

And the Spirits dance.

Whispers of the quiet stillness swirl around me setting forth great doubt.
I stay busy, uncertain of what I might do in my idleness. Wreaking of sorrow, I try to reason with my crumbled spirit.

My broken-spirit.

God hears the melody of my breath as I inhale in and out. He slowly becomes my every meaningless gasp. He surrounds my sigh of disgust. He is the very core of my being in my desperate cry.

The very Spirit of Me.

My soul, the Being of God met with an incredible collision, opening a new path. Now even in my periods of uncertainty, my spirit exudes a new fragrance, sweet and tender revealing His presence.

His Sweet Spirit.

And We Dance.

Beautifully Awkward

Then Sings My Soul

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on October 25, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

My awakening…followed by nights of slumber.

I toss.

I turn.

There will be moments of clarity before the fog rolls back into my mind hindering my thought process once again.

My brain begins to play games with me–teasing me. I fall into its’ drama. I believe the deception it whispers.

Similar to a small animal in a maze, I can only see that which appears in the moment. Yet, wishing I could rise like the Eagle above the clouds, soaring high as the wind guides her wings. Nevertheless, the scenario’s are two distinct patterns of my life at different times in a given day.

Most days though, I hover in between…not quite sure where I belong. Impatiently, I wait… for the right time that never comes. But I try to fit in. I do try — to belong.

A glance…A shrug…A smile

Maybe, if I’m lucky.

In return, my soul.

I all too freely give away my heart before its ripened to maturity. Thus, allowing the pulsating motions regulated through the elements of sensitivity to run away with that which is pressing .

As I fall back to sleep, He is there…He dances with my spirit.

My feet move, trying to find the rhythm. My heartbeat slows down to the sound of rain and the sense of His presence.

Then sings my soul…

Beautifully Awkward

Perfect People

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on August 16, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Never let ’em see you when you’re breaking
Never let ’em see you when you fall
That’s how we live and that’s how we try
Tell the world you’ve got it all together
Never let them see what’s underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while

There’s no such thing as perfect people
There’s no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scared
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God… (Natalie Grant…Perfect People)

Beautifully Awkward

The Novocaine Has Worn Off

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 31, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I woke up the other night and my left arm was asleep…so much that when I tried to move it, it flopped and hit me right in the face… I hate that because I know what is to come. When the feeling began to return, it was excruciatingly uncomfortable for a short time before the feeling did return. Within a few minutes, the hypersensitivity began. The pins and needles sticking into my tender flesh was only the beginning, then the feelings of a ticklish type annoyance where I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry overcame my mind for a time. My focus at that point was on nothing but the pain I was currently enduring.

When it was over, peace. It’s crazy. All that –and all I did was compress a body part!

So, what about the years I suppressed (compressed) my mind with the drugs and alcohol ( plug in whatever you want or struggle with)?  Truly there is no difference! I numbed my mind completely. Dead asleep. The longer my mind was asleep–the worse my recovery became.

In medicine, we give Novocaine to numb and prevent pain. For me, subconsciously I presume, I self-medicated with prescription drugs (as if this makes it more acceptable) to dull the pain of my insecurities and imperfections. Keeping my loved one at arm’s length as to keep them from knowing my secret–I am not perfect! Never did it occur to me that no one is perfect except Christ. And that God prefers us that way to minister to others. (2 corinthians 1:3-5)

And so the day came–My mind was clearing and the feelings returning…. Let me say–I’d rather go through a million arms and legs returning from its slumber than the mind. The pain can be unbearable at times. My mind  played mean tricks on me. In the beginning I was in a gray fog… Which I believe was God’s gift–protecting me from the physical effects of the poisons leaving my body. But then–the hypersensitivity–the roller coaster of emotions began where I did not know whether to laugh or cry! Some days, comprehending life was like trying to drink water out of a fire hydrant. It was just too much for me.

One day, I am elated the next day I wonder if I can get out of bed. Too often we “addicts” are diagnosed with emotional disorders when really our emotions have not leveled out. I am full of junk that drove me to disparity. I am trying to  slap my arm around as if this will speed up the process of trying to get the feelings to come back. Same thing– I try to rush my healing, I want it more than anything… but it’s not mine to fix.. It’s my Abba Fathers.  For I have been unable to focus–before today– so why should I think I can steer this ship? 

But soon, very soon, the feelings are returning–good, bad and indifferent and this is where I can begin my journey of having God remove my shortcomings as they surface.

The feelings of happy, sad, anger, regret, sorrow and joy return… the very emotions I tried to hide, suppress and remove…but now I will know them with a new meaning.

Awake my soul… Psalm 57:8

The Novocaine has worn off.

Beautifully Awkward

The Face In The Crowd

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 18, 2010 by Her Broken Wing
 

  

   
I passed you the other day on the street,,, you were quietly working, concentrating and really not paying much attention to the world around you. You didn’t see me looking at you. I wondered what you were thinking. Were you living with tremendous regret? Do you cry at night when no one’s around?  

Before today, I never thought twice about who you were–really. My life was different then.  

Street duty, again I thought as I drove by you. It’s a 100 degrees in the southern humidity today and rising. South Georgia is like that…Nats…I would die in this heart. I wondered how you were managing it.  

Before today, you would have been home with your family sipping something cold to drink. You would be flipping through the remote control trying to decide what to watch on TV. Maybe you would even take a nap sitting under the cool air conditioning.  

My mind continues to wonder–maybe as a child, we played on the streets together, kickball, I would guess. This is where all the kids would meet up and play without a care in the world.  

Or was it where you pushed me higher and higher on the swing? Were we best friends?  

Before today, you were just another face in the crowd. But now, you are someone who I pass and pause and wonder. For you represent something deep within a place I care to not go. I can’t face who I have become.  

Push me higher…I could hear the voice…  

But someone made you real the other day…  

I met your wife the other day…she told me all about you…. How you love the kids…and you were good to her… you just made a bad decision… you aren’t a bad person…you are someone.  

I thought about all this as I drove by you. And as I gazed out the window, I saw your face in the crowd of others. You are someone with a past and someone with a future. It was just one bad decision that caused you to end up here.  

This could have been me.  

This could be any of us.  

Fate, choice, destiny or our journey…. It’s just funny like that.  

Maybe from where we are now… someone else sees us the same way, we too could be just another face in the crowd as they gaze from their window…  

Beautifully Awkward  

   

What Becomes of The Broken-Hearted

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 4, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

Temptation is a powerful drug. It comes at us from all angles. It is our desire to have these things in which we are told we cannot have. I might let in a little desire here and there, what can it hurt? And that is how it all began.

Slowly, the drug use crept into my life. If someone else didn’t make excuses for my behavior, I did. See, it was being managed by a doctor. So it had to be OK.

Without warning, it became like trying to close a door during a hurricane.

Satan knows what entices us and where to knock us to our knees in the face of our tears of shame and regrets. He comes in adorned in his beauty, in such a way with his smooth talking to get his way.

Life passes on moment by moment leaving us to cypher out the resemblance of our so-called life.

Morning comes—I did it again. On my knees, I cry out, “Why Father?” I wonder if God can even hear me. I wonder if He is even here anymore. How could He be? I would have given up on me long ago. These are the voices I keep hearing.

Days become months, months become years. I was too tired of trying.

Eventually, I was so weary — I gave up! (Psalm 51:17)

It was then I believe I heard God boldly say, “Finally. I have you where I want you.”

I had been standing in the way…

and God had been waiting to wrap up my Broken-Heart…

Beautifully Awkward