Archive for 2 Corinthians

Eat Your Spinach

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 25, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

It is ironic that I am going through forgiveness at the same time I am working on my 4th step in a group I attend which is–to make amends (forgive) all those in my past and my present that have hurt me. Sometimes, I think it is easier to be mad because let’s face it, forgiveness is just —hard. In Proverbs 31 Ministries, she said it well, “Forgiveness is like spinach, you may not like it; but it’s good for you.”

At first when I heard the phrase “it’s good for you”, it had the same impact on me as it did when I was a child, I stubbornly fought tooth and nail—all the way! This not forgiving and living in my self-pity was my comfort zone. It gave me a motive to exist—sick as it may be.

As I fast forward my life to now, months later free from drugs, I continue to be thrown ropes from God to help pull me out of my Hell. One of those ropes is forgiving those that have hurt me and drove me deeper into my addiction. The more the pain, the more the drugs—I could numb myself to the sting of life.

I have had several significant situations in my life that were so devastating I felt like Christ on the Cross. How agonizing His words were as they came painfully spewing forth, “Abba, Abba why have You forsake me?”  Truly the epitome of abandonment as His Father turned His head and tearfully loved His Son to death.

This same abandonment brings me to a time I was wrongfully accused of crimes I did not commit. Even though these were not criminal they were personal, and I paid a tremendous price each time. I lost my job in both situations and my reputation was tainted. In each case, I was innocent—but in each situation a single person had a personal vendetta.

“Abba, Abba why have You forsaken me?” I cried.

Why couldn’t Abba vindicate the truth and set me free, right then? It took me so long to realize these situations held an incredible amount of power over my belief’s in who I– was not. I would not let that belief go nor would I let God take it from me. (2 Corinthians 12:7)

The other day someone in my family hurt me. I was not going to let it go. I was not going to forgive. I also had to give something to this person that I really couldn’t afford to do at this time.  So that made it even worse. God, surely understood.

I shouldn’t have to forgive. And that was my stance for all of 24 hours. Then the next morning, out of no where a scripture comes blasting me in the face. Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus shares the parable of the  cannot pay back his debt. When the man is reprieved of his debt, he goes out and beats a guy over the head to get his money back. He does not extend the grace and mercy he had been given. The king finds out and throws him in jail… Basically, God does not forgive those who do not forgive.

I immediately dropped to my knees and cried.

I forgave.

I changed my thoughts. For when I was young, I was in this exact circumstance as this person. Someone close to me extended the same mercy and helped me– Dollar for dollar, situation for situation.

I understood.

I asked God to forgive me…

His Daughter

My To-Do List

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 20, 2010 by Her Broken Wing

I remember my first meeting to my now required licensure nurse group (it consists of a group of nurses with addictions lead by a recovering nurse monitored by the board of nursing –whew). I should be nervous, right? But leave it to me to be ignorant and arrogant. I went in and sat down with my to-do and has-done list of things to check of. This meeting was to be the first thing I checked off. Let me add that I was quite proud of how together I presented myself. I was hoping to maybe get time off for good behavior.  I was C.L.U.E.L.E.S.S.

Remember….. addicts are good at this kind of stuff…

Anyway–At that time, I still had my job.  And my world had not yet started to unravel.

So as I sat there, I listened to nurse’s talk calmly about not having jobs like they broke a fingernail, or how they were sitting back–waiting on God’s timing. I remember thinking the other nurses just “needed a plan” like me.

All the way around the room, those other drug addicts we  shared where we were in our life. Some of the nurses had been there one, two and five years down the road from their initial meeting, so they spoke of how they found jobs they now loved, and some even changed careers. Others downsized their way of life and others found peace with God.

Then my turn came and I pulled out my “list” (I believe I heard a snicker around the room as if they had seen this scenario before) and I began discussing what all I had done. First, I attended meetings, saw my doctor, told my boss and all is well. The room became very quiet. I heard the word “Newbie” come from somewhere.  At last, my advocate (she too is a recovering nurse that liaisons to the nursing board for us) spoke up and said, “First, you will have to quit your job. The nursing board will not allow you to work around narcotics in your job.”

My world started spinning. And I remember thinking this will not happen. I am not quitting. This job was all I knew. I had done this work for so long that I didn’t know what else I was going to do. I could feel myself start to hyperventilate. The other nurses that had previously snickered now saw my pain. They knew what it was like to be new and have your world suddenly turn upside down. This group had once been new to the journey not so long ago.  In their compassion, they started to console me as best they could but the tears broke loose no matter how hard I tried to conceal them. Little by little, my to-do list chiseled away to nothing.

Why was I being punished? Was I singled out to suffer this thorn in the flesh like Paul? (2 Corinthians 12:7) Why this one? Can I choose another one God? I remember saying those very words to God.

Oh yes, I do understand the consequences of my behavior and that isn’t what I am asking. Why this struggle?

The truth is in the beginning, I wanted my life back before the drugs. But now, I don’t ever want to go to the life I had before or during my time with drugs. For God has something much bigger in my life.

I have to learn to live life on life’s terms.

Just as with any journey, it requires a certain degree of travel on bumpy and treacherous roads.

I just have to learn which path to follow.