Saving Myself From Me 2

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Sav
Self-Forgiveness comes. Especially if we wait. Sometimes we must wait a long time and even may fear it will never come. But look 2 Corinthians  5: 17 says,”therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!”

I used to think forgiving someone was the hardest thing and oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s harder than soothing my colicky baby. It’s hard. However, even harder is forgiving myself.

For a while I had given up trying to forgive myself. It just wasn’t going to happen. I deserved to be punished. Punishing myself through negative coping mechanisms such as the silent treatment, self-loathing, feelings of unworthiness, depression and withdrawal. Really I didn’t want to forgive myself. Why? I didn’t deserve it.

At one time in my life, I felt totally like a burden to my family. For 15 years I had caused them heartache from drug addiction, eating disorder, rehab, self-harm, severe depression, PTSD from being sexually abused and the list goes on. I am a mess. No wonder I drank and drugged that later led into other addictions.  I reflect back on Sins of the Mother. A writing I posted earlier. I tried to ease the pain. I tried to end all the hurt. But instead, I caused even  more pain for my family. It wasn’t in God’s plan. I’ve learned a lot since then but I’m still working on forgiveness for what I did to my family. Not that I should “work”on forgiveness. It’s a done deal, right! I just have to let forgiveness in.

Jesus revealed over and over that my sins, my imperfections, and disobedience were washed away by the blood on the cross. I just had to embrace it. I had to learn to live a life blessed without bitterness, harmful, negative and resentments toward me!

In AA, we forgive others to help us stay sober. It’s a one-way street. I forgive you but it’s without expecting an apology in return. We stay sober that way. Even the Bible doesn’t say anything about expecting an apology. So, what about forgiveness of ourselves? What about forgiving me? I don’t talk about that. It’s the same, though! I would guess.

God shows us God-nuggets of forgiveness in mysterious ways.

A few nights ago my son talked to his dad and I about his graduation from nursing school next week. He has his pinning one day next week. The pinning is done by faculty. So that night my son said, “mom will you pin me.” I was speechless. Tears welled up. Tears of all the pain I had caused my family,  I fervently prayed for forgiveness. Then remembering I was forgiven,  I looked up to God and said thank-you. He Showed me that all the years of heartache were wrapped up in a tight bundle and tossed behind the cross where his had Son died.

Romans 8:1 “ Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

God, let’s continue this journey.

Another God-nugget: What a beautiful generation that is passed on. His great grandma was a nurse, his grandma, his mom and now him. Pretty cool, huh?

So, Lord help me to continue to forgive me! Oh Abba Father, the work was already done, please show me how to love me with the same sweet love  you have for me shown at the Cross . I am forgiven.

I can not earn nor do I deserve His forgiveness… it just is.

❤️ Me

 

”In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift…” Brennan Manning

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Sins Of The Mother

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on April 20, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Our son graduates from college in two weeks. He will be a Registered  Nurse. (Well, actually after he passes boards.) I,too, am a Registered Nurse.

Unfortunately, I left nursing on less than admirable terms some years ago. I did go back to nursing briefly and it did nurture my soul. But because of  drugs…Eating disorders…and Rehab…as the memories  still haunt me, I fear for my son’s future.

When people find out his career choice, they say “following in your mom’s footsteps?” I cringe. I want to stand on a mountain top and yell out one of Madea’s favorite saying, “Hell. To. The. No’”

Somewhere at the end of my hospital career, I could feel my dignity leave my body, as if a spiritual experience was happening. My reputation had become tarnished. I know I had been a good nurse. I was kind, strong, smart… but…drugs had taken over my wretched body and mind. My weaknesses manifested itself and I was humbled by my insufficiency.

Talk is cheap in our town  everyone knows everything. “Did you hear…?” I would like to have a Mulligan (golf term for a do over.) in life. What would I do different, especially knowing how much I’ve hurt my children?

Why should our son suffer because of my indiscretions. My downfall came at both main hospitals so my biggest fear was that it would tarnish his chances for a future here in our town. I prayed not. He is smart, book smart, street smart and an uncanny wit. (This is what I am told). And he is beautiful. (That I know).

Last week, I found out both hospitals are trying to get him to come and work for them in ICU. Proud momma. So, he is choosing the one that he made an original commitment with. He felt an obligation. He is doing the right thing.  Regardless, this is his journey, his own walk where he has to succeed or fall, he’s on his own, he will skin his knees and get back up. His heavenly Father will always there to pick him up.

Remember, son you is kind, you is smart, you is important! You can do anything. (The movie Help)

living the supernatural

Connie

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Twisted Fate

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 5, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Matthew 18:21-22 (“then Peter came to him , and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive them? Til seven times?

Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times; but, until seventy times seven.”)

Forgiveness is a funny thing. When I say I’m sorry, I just assume I’ll get one in return. Isn’t that how it works? I say I’m sorry and you say you are sorry back. So when you don’t reciprocate it leaves me feeling worthless, guilty,  unimportant and useless and sometimes just angry. But, the Bible does not say anything about us getting an apology in return.

What da I do? As my sponsor says, “have you prayed”? Sigh, why do I always forget to pray during hard times? Remember the prayer, “Help”? (Anne Lamott) That’s all, just help! How simple is that?

In my program that I’ve been so lucky to be a part of (12 step program) God grant me The serenity… so where is that peace? Do we find it through our search with God? ? A reminder is it’s my forgiveness not theirs. I’m not responsible for others.  It is freeing to let those we have hurt go. It’s not a one time deal. I sometimes have to do this over and over. Anger,  rebellion and retaliation is what l was feeling.

I remember a time when I made an amends to someone I had really hurt. I expected her to forgive me and to go back to where we had been before the situation happened. I said I was sorry.. She said “I made my amends long time ago but her words spewed like razor blades shooting from her mouth.” I was not sure what to say next.  Later, I had seen her out, she did not give me the time of day.

I am to clean my side of the street not hers. I have done that. I was sincere. I still felt the twinge of pain. What Twisted Fate. I hurt her, she hurt me.

But now in my peace, I can say “Wow”! “Thanks”

living the Supernatural

Connie

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Seeking God in the extraordinary only to find Him in the ordinary

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 19, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Seeking God in the extraordinary only to find Him in the ordinary. I guess what I mean is God doesn’t have to walk on water in my life, but He just might.

God is in the messiness of my life (and there is plenty of that)! He is in the mundane parts of my life too, like washing dishes, finding the lost sock from the dryer, spaghetti on Thursdays, dusting on Monday’s, and so on!

I’m in a Bible Study now. Sifting God out the mundane and the extraordinary! Or so I think.

In my study, I shared (the unthinkable), yes, I was a drug addict. I was a broken women. I should wear a BIG scarlet letter. Who would want me? Who would…?

After the Bible Study was over, we (they) all broke away to a group or someone to talk with. I stood there a lone. I began feeling awkward like maybe I had shared too much. Then I vowed to never talk again in a group (Like that will happen). Then not very long after that an elderly lady came up to me and thanked me for sharing what I did. “There are many of us needing to hear what you said.  You are saving lives.  you’ve made people uncomfortable because they have their own issues.”

I reveled in the moment.  The moment that God had sent someone to confirm my sharing was not futile. It was a confirmation that God heard me but, sadly, I quickly moved on to something else, some other life happenings soon after. Why didn’t I embrace that moment? Sift the nuggets from the grunge. For that is where I find God , The extraordinary in the ordinary. But I get too busy and forget to embrace the moment.

In AA, I talk about a spiritual awakening as I work through the 12 steps and find or connect with my higher power.I, also, talk about being rigorously honest for the program to really work and to experience a spiritual rebirth.

In the beginning of my sobriety, I was still rebellious, angry and dishonest. So no wonder Jesus didn’t walk down from the clouds! My spiritual waking was very slow in transforming, not because of God, but because of my stubborn nature. I was a prodigal child of God.  (Luke 15:17-20)

I finally returned home to Him, but not until then did I fully embrace the reunion and not until a few moments of conviction happened.  Assurance  of honesty, forgiveness and repentance through the AA 12 step program. But, there is no finish line on this race. And I must continually condition myself through the program. Because as they (AA) say, the drugs are doing push ups in the parking lot waiting on me.

Anytime I call my sponsor (from AA) with a problem she says, “have you prayed”? Urrrrrhhhhh, I should’ve known by now she’s going to say that but I don’t pray. Sometimes, I don’t even know what to pray for or how to pray. Sometimes, I just want the answers to the problem, like in college getting the answers to a test. So then, I remember a book by Anne Lamott on prayer. Help, Thanks, Wow. When I don’t know how or what to pray for, I just pray “help”. Then step back and watch God, be God! Then I say “thanks, wow”. Pretty cool.

I pray, oh do I pray. And In silence, with people, from songs, worship, and words, I find intimate moments with my Abba. He always gives me the answers if I stand still. (Psalm 46:10)

There in the extraordinary is God in the ordinary.

living the supernatural

Connie

 

 

 

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How Will I Die?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on March 6, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

How will I die?

(John 3:15)”…that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life”

As A Hospice Nurse, I heard this question often. But this particular time I  held on to this question with a whole new meaning and a special love.

My sweet patient looked down at the floor wringing his hands, finally having the courage to ask me “the” hardest question, yet. I could sense something had been bothering him during the last few of our visits. I could see it in his eyes. “How will I die?”

He was an intelligent man so I knew he would expect the details. As I began sharing the process of dying, I could feel “A” presence overtake us. Perhaps may I  say that God filled the room. He took over the situation. Peace filled the apprehensive uncertainties that crept into my mind.

Nearing the end of my explanation of death and dying, I told my patient (and friend) that one thing I have noticed was that almost all my patients were given an incredible peace in the perfect time nearing the end. However, all my patients had been Christians. I had heard stories of patients passing that were not Christians that were less than peaceful but I have not personally experienced this, so I could not share that with merit.

He then said, “Well, I just might be your first.”

I felt my heart just sink into my toes. I had given him several Christian books to read and he had enjoyed them so I just assumed…. Now, he looked at me with such sadness. He told me that he wasn’t worthy. He had never led a life that God would be proud of. He did not attend church much. And the list grew. But he said, “I’m not a bad person. I just didn’t work for God.

I asked him if he had read the Bible or parts of it. And then I asked him if he believed in it. He said, “Yes.” I asked him if he believed that Jesus was the Son of God and again he said, “Yes.” So I did have something to work.

We went on for some time, God giving me the words, scripture and the peace to share. I finally asked my patient if the thief on the Cross had time for works, church and all the things he had listed and through his tears he cried, “No.”

The words shared were…Supernatural… and from our Heavenly Father…. I was a partaker.

He said, “I have some thinking to do.” And I asked him what he felt he needed to think about. I said, “Would you like to receive Christ as your Savior now? I can help you do that and I would be honored.” He nodded yes. There we held hands. His mom, a Godly woman, sat across the room. And we prayed to receive Christ.

I believe I heard Heaven rejoice.

Interestingly, as I shared this with my family (of course, leaving the name confidential), my 12 year-old son asked if we were going to baptize him. Well, duh! Why didn’t I think of that? So this week our Chaplain is going to baptize him. I’m not sure who is more excited, him or me.

How will I die? My sweet one, you won’t—you have eternal life now!

(my patient died 10 minutes after he was baptized)

As an addict, I used to think I will surely die and could not be forgiven but I was…am. I am His child. I have eternal life just like my patient.

living the supernatural

Connie

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He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 28, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

The woman said to Him, “Sir, You have nothing to draw [water] with, and the well is deep.”  JOHN 4:11

I have thought God to be off His rocker before, not being able to live up to my expectations? I still question Gods ultimate plan in my life, has he forgotten me? Why Lord have you forsaken me?

Will I ever get clean? Especially, after ten years of fighting alcohol and drugs plus my eight years sobriety? And even now I still struggle to live what Seems like a once vibrant women. A women filled with life, joy, and enthusiasm.

What do I do when Satan whispers, “you have nothing left?” “You have no bucket”? What happens when I reach my bottom again and again? What does my bottom look like? Despair? Very much so.

My friend in Alcoholics Anonymous says to be careful as even our bottoms have a trap door! Hell is a vacation compared to a bottom as an alcoholic and taking drugs. I’ve been through the DT’s. I can only imagine it has to be worse than Hell. I wanted to die or for sure thought I would. Where are you, Lord? Papa, do you still love me?

“Yes”, I hear in a whisper! (1 kings:12)

He loves me, He loves me not, He loves me…(John 3:16 For God so loved…)

My well runs deep but I have no bucket to draw with. I am the Woman at the well, caught up in village of gossip, given a second, third, fourth… chances.

I am the woman at the well…

He loves me…

Connie

Max Lucado in book God Came Near says, “Silently the Divine Surgeon reaches into his kit and pulled out the needle of faith and a thread of hope. In the shade of Jacob’s well He stitched her wounded soul back together. ‘There will come a day… ‘ He whispered. “

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Parting of the Red Sea

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 24, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Billy Graham
The Legend
(1918-2018)

Estimating he reached over 150 million people with the Word of Christ

I was a little girl when I first learned of Billy Graham and actually saw him in person. My (older than me but not by much) uncle grabbed me by the hand and took me down to the “altar”. We professed our faith, or he did. I didn’t know what to think of all of it. Today I look back and I am sad that I didn’t realize the huge privilege that had been given to me. I do now.

As I got older, my grandmother would have the TV turned to Billy Graham. I would sit with her but I did not know what was happening on TV. Those times, those moments with my grandma, a time in eternity, I look back and I am sad that I didn’t realize the huge privilege that had been given to me. I do now.

My grandma is gone. I can still hear her voice. I see her face in my dreams. As I do now, with my father. He ,too, is gone. Sometimes in my dreams, I can hear him say “Connie”only the way he could. Today though, I look back and I am sad that I didn’t realize the huge privilege they had in my life. I do now.

Life before addiction. I wished I could remember. I wish I could do  my Life over again, with my children, before the drugs stole (or weren’t removing from my memory) the precious things, the important things. I wished I had listened to my dad. “Connie, be careful…” I thought that will never happen to me. I was a cowboy thinking I could play with fire, one more… Today though, I look back and I am sad that I didn’t realize the huge privilege that had been given to me before drugs.  I do now.

Christ rescued me. I am sober today only because of Him. Prayers. Prayers face down. I was at my bottom and Jesus rescued me. He parted the Red Sea. Today, I look back and I am happy that I did realize the huge privilege that had been given to me. I did then, I do now.

Christ loved me then, He does now.

And we cry, Abba!

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She Will Collect Her Karma Debt!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on February 20, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Karma bites…”look what you did to me.”. “What goes around comes around”.

When someone does something bad to me, I want to retaliate. I want to hurt the person. Or better yet God’s vengeance. They need to hurt like I did.

But… when I hurt someone, I don’t want that same kind of wrath. I want grace. So I threw the grace and mercy card out there. (Romans 12:19-21 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.) and Then I get on my knees asking for forgiveness. Did that help, I don’t know. But I hoped owning my part,  Ah more like begged forgiveness did.

In Romans Paul says there are consequences for our behavior.(Romans 6.1 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase.)

I am reminded of a situation years ago when I had to make a very hard decision. It affected someone’s life. I knew it was the right thing to do but this person had been very wounded  even to this day. Regardless, I lost a friend.  I felt like the karma bug was going to bite me even to this day. I had apologized and tried to explain but I don’t know that it mattered. I walked watching my back.

Seems like more bad happens than good. Let’s face it, it does. Karma must be flying like a swarm of mosquitoes.

I think of karma floating around the universe ready to jump on those with certain colors. Soft colors, dark colors, an aura based on our  karma debt that we carry. The angels of vengeance maybe?

How does Karma know? How does it know what the punishment is for each person? Can we escape a karma debt. Can our colors change?

I do not know. The only thing I can do is pray.

Has the debt collector called on you?

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A Spiritual Hissy Fit

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 15, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

 

”Peter began to say to Him, ‘See, we have left all and followed you!’ (Mark 10:28)

My dad told me when I was a little girl and,well….until he passed away he said  I always had to have the last word. I would always respond, “I do not”. So there you go, point taken.

One of the things God has been working on in my life is surrendering “surrendering my right to the last word but also the right to a voice”. I didn’t have a voice growing up. As an adult, it was no different. I hate being interrupted or cut off or disregarded. It says I’m not important. I have felt that I demand having a voice even when it’s abrasive or causes conflict. **Sigh**

But  who’s voice is it really?

i remember Mel Gibson’s movie Passion of the Christ. I am thankful for the image the movie as it gave me an image  of the eyes of Jesus as He went to the cross, totally surrendered. He chose to have  no voice. He did not say, “But I’m the Son of God get me down from here”. He could have, ya know? No, He laid down His life quietly.

The years have been hard for me sober and not. Some think because I am clean from drugs now I have it made . No, I don’t. My life; sober; has been very hard, actually harder. I work every day at sobriety.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful. I surrender daily to God.

Many people look at my addiction like it might be contagious or a moral defect. Either one makes me feel inadequate. But why should I be better than Jesus. They spit on him and called him names worse than me. At least, the words said to  me were superficial; the words spat at Jesus were deep, to the core of unbelief as He lied dying for those cursing Him.

When it got out that Gibson had a “drug issue”, people thought surely he wasn’t a “true” Son of God. That freaks me out. Oh, excuse me Ms. Perfection, Mr. Perfect Christian ; why Jesus could have stayed in heaven. (Gal 2:21)

When i feel rejected, I’ve been known to have a spiritual (and unspiritual) HISSY FIT like it will change things. When I am done with my fit and I am physically spent, God reminds us of His fervent love.

This morning started the Lenten season. Today I started face down furiously in  prayer with my Abba. I have found peace for today. Quiet peace.

i have found love. (1 John 4:8)

I am totally surrendered just for today..

Connie

 

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God is Good

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on February 11, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Deuteronomy 31:8 (ESV)
“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

God is good when…? All the time…? When good things happen? But when something bad happens what do we say “God is good,all the time”. No, not usully, we usually don’t praise Him during difficult times. Or I forget to or I’m too angry.

But conversely,there is a story of a young 5 year old child that really loved the Lord. He would loved to say to God that,, He was good,.. one evening  the little boy was in a horrific  accident and was left paralyzed. His spirit did not wane at anytime. The pastor came the next day to see the little boy. The child  wrote something in the pastors hand, “God is good, all the time.”

When I went into recovery for drugs and alcohol finally, God was answering my prayer, one I had prayed for,such a long time.The problem was He didn’t answer it the way I wanted. I became angry. I was resentful. It’s like taking a gift and throwing it back in someone’s face. That is what I did to God.

This boy was paralyzed  He found peace through His Father

i had to go through the nursing recovery program and lost my job. I ended up having to attend AA. How horrible. I was bitter. It took me awhile to see the god in God. Years later I have found this program which saved my life.  God is good, I met some of my best friends from this program. We support each other. We have to have about 60 years sobriety among us. God is good.

There is a little bit of  Good in the worst of us, and a little bit of bad in the best of us.

Romans 8:28

26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Through the good and through the bad

God is good!!

living the supernatural

Connie

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