The Sands Of Life

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing
“Psalm 139:17-18How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!” Were I to count them, they would out number the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

How do you kiss the wind?

Or

Embrace the warmth of the Sun?

And what is it like to hold someone you love as their life passes by like the sand sifting through the fingers of a small child lost in play for hours at the beach.

Even if we tried to hold each grain of sand, some bits would slip through our fingers. We may hold on tightly vowing to never let go but eventually the winds, the water and our toil cause us to drop each granule of sand we believed to have held tightly in our grasp. And the specks of life, the ones we so dearly love, fall back into the hands of the One who owned them all along.

I am trying to grab the wind and hold on tightly to the force of nature given to me by my Abba. But I know the days are short for my Papa is calling one of His children home soon. My precious daddy is going to be going home and each moment I have I want to hold tightly the last grains of sand representing his life; this will always remain precious to me.

But I know that eventually the last piece of sand will fall from my hands and Our Papa will call. And my Papa will brush the sand off my hands and pick me up and hold me like a child not ready to leave their place on the beach, their place of comfort.

And in my sadness, I will just rest in the arms of my Papa….

To my sweet daddy….I love you (1940-2008)

To my sweet Papa, I love you

me

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When Grace Rains

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 4, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

“Yes, but…!” Luke 9:61

Would I run to Jesus on the water when I can’t even believe ….

Do I follow You with true abandon, Abba Father?

Or am I Peter, do I deny You in public places? And love you to pieces In my quiet time?

“Yes,but…”

But what about my friend, Jesus? I can’t even manage my life, so what’s it to me what goes on in her life. Focusing on her life takes away the pain of my shattered and fractured life. So, this rolls around in my head with sometimes a bitter taste in my mouth as it rolls off my tongue.

It’s easier to gossip just a tiny bit, “bless their hearts.”

But really, I’m just a mess most days. Sunday’s best I sit in the pews. By Monday, I’ve lost my “religion “.

Speaking of, what about my drug of choice, (Oh don’t act all self-righteous), We all have one, a drug of choice that is. There are drugs, alcohol, shopping, shoplifting, pornography, gossiping, road rage, adultery the list is mighty. If I didn’t hit yours, it is there. Just ask Jesus to show you. And don’t try throwing a stone at someone, it just might come back at you.

As a recovering addict, I missed His grace. Or so I thought. I lived with so much shame and guilt I believed in Satan’s lies. Truth is when rain falls, it falls on us all.

Yes, but…

His grace falls.

me

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All The Kings Men

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 25, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

I sometimes think whoever wrote children’s poem suffered  from major depressive disorder. If not, then I can totally relate to this poem anyway. As a matter of fact, I can associate with a lot of the childhood characters I grew up with.

There is Eeyore, OMG, he was sad all over–and was probably clinically depressed. I felt suicidal just watching poor Eeyore. Seriously, something bad must have happened to Eeyore as a child like he ran off a cliff with a bus full of kids or something.

And then there was Charlie Brown. He was dealt with a heavy dose of real life. Charlie Brown demonstrated the struggle, pain and downright misery of childhood. He never received a Valentine’s card. His dog could not remember his name. He was always picked last for the team. Basically, Charlie Brown is a loser.

And last, there was Olive Oil, Popeye’s girlfriend. she had one of cartoon’s first eating disorders. She was an anorexic. She never even ate Popeye’s spinach (unless forced to when she was completely unconscious due to some villain–like many of us with eating disorders will do)

It is no wonder that so many of us are screwed up. Look at the cartoon characters we grew up with. Adults that were most likely crazy (OK clinically diagnosed) wrote the scripts. And thus predisposed us to what would inevitably become our future. No, I’m not saying the cartoons caused this…just saying that our world in which we lived in…

“All the kings horses…” The Doctors, Psychiatrist, Therapist could not put us back together. We became society’s misfits–living in hell within our soul–tormented constantly.

Gloom and doom. Our vision skewed by our depression glossed glasses.

For even on Eeyore’s happiest day (Birthday) he could not muster up a happy sentiment. For maybe, I am not much different. I always wait for the shoe to drop and if it does not, I will perhaps throw the shoe myself.

If it isn’t enough to worry…I worry about tomorrow when today hasn’t even passed. Old Mother Hubbard was so poor her cupboards were bare. What will I do if tomorrow doesn’t provide? Yes, I worry.

And then there is us alcoholics. Homer Simpson. “Beer” the cause of and solution to life’s problems.” He kids that beer is for daddies and kids with fake IDs.  My husband says the difference between alcoholics and drunks…one goes to meetings. I go to meetings. I am an alcoholic, recovering drug addict.

The Lord says, Worry not. Matthew 6:26 “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

I try to believe… to trust… I even pray about it… Mark 9:24 “…I do believe; but please help my unbelief.”

Today, I stumble, I fall and I wait. For the King—Jesus to put me together again.

me

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How Will I Die?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 17, 2018 by Her Broken Wing
I’m an addict, I can never be forgiven… Right?! I feel less than worthy of being able to do God’s work. How stinkin self-righteous that is! I know more than God?

(Luke 23:39-43)39 One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!”

40 But the other criminal rebuked him. “Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? 41 We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

42 Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.[a]”

43 Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

John 3:15)”…that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life”

As A Hospice Nurse, I heard that question often. But this particular  time I will hold onto the question with a whole new meaning and a special love.My sweet patient looked down at the floor wringing his hands, finally having the courage to ask me “the” hardest question, yet. I could sense something had been bothering him during our last few visits. I could see it in his eyes. “How will I die?”He is an intelligent man, spoke 7 languages but lost that ability due to cancer, so I knew he would expect the details. As I began sharing the process of dying, I could feel “A” presence overtake us. I may perhaps say that God filled the room. I just know it. He took over the situation. Peace filled the apprehensive uncertainties that crept into my mind.Nearing the end of my explanation of death and dying, I told my patient (and friend) that one thing I have noticed was that all my patients are given an incredible peace in the perfect time nearing the end. However, my patients thus far have been Christians. Well, maybe exaggerated a bit. I have heard stories of patients passing that were not Christians that were less than peaceful but I have not personally experienced it so I could not share that.He then said, “Well, I just might be your first.” First what?, I asked. “First nonbeliever .”  HmmI felt my heart just sink into my toes. I had given him several Christian books to read and he had “enjoyed” them so I just assumed…. Now, he looked at me with such sadness. He told me that he wasn’t worthy. Well, I sure get that. He had never led a life that God would be proud of. He did not attend church much. And the list grew. But he said, “I’m not a bad person. I just didn’t work for God.I asked him if he had read the Bible or parts of it. And then I asked him if he believed in it. He said, “Yes.” I asked him if he believed that Jesus was the Son of God and again he said, “Yes.” So I did have a foundation to work with as I talked to him.We went on for some time, God giving me the words, scripture and the peace to share. I finally asked my patient if the thief on the Cross had time for works, church and all the things he had listed and through his tears he cried, “No.”

The words shared were…Supernatural… and from our Heavenly Father…. I was a partaker.

He said, “I have some thinking to do.” And I asked him what he felt he needed to think about. I said, “Would you like to receive Christ as your Savior now? I can help you do that and I would be honored.” He nodded yes. There we held hands. His mom, a Godly woman, sat across the room. And we prayed to receive Christ.

I believe I heard Heaven rejoice.

Interestingly, as I shared this with my family (of course, leaving the name confidential), my 12 year-old son asked if we were going to baptize him. Well, duh! Why didn’t I think of that? So this week our Chaplain is going to baptize him. I’m not sure who is more excited, him or me.

How will I die? My sweet one, you won’t—you have eternal life now!

living the supernatural

Me

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The Year of Color

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 6, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

The pain was born inside. Instead of letting the hatred become stagnant and making me stronger, it left me divided. More like pieces. More like a tiny million little pieces.

For so long my world was a hazy gray not because there was no color in resentment, but because my heart beat cold, odorless blood that ran through my veins, especially with things that have stroked my soul painfully.

My calloused heart blocked out any rays cast from the sun. It seems forgiveness  eluded me when it came to the shadows of my past. Had I sinned? Absolutely. Then this scripture came to me, “Then they reminded Jesus that adultery was punishable by stoning under the Law and challenged Him.” Then judge the woman so that they might accuse him of disobeying the Law.” Then replied, “He that is without sin among us, you let him cast the first stone at her.” John 8:7

Resent who? Maybe me. After all, I am terminally unique meaning my sins are greater than yours. Making my relationship with God that much closer. Resentment is a toxic feeling that can eat at my mind little by little. I have found that living in dysfunctional mind games it’s like a drug, it is a high.  

Whether it is good or bad, it’s there. Since mine is usually painful, it starts, anger flare. So I’m super bitter, which is usually the case, I spew my inner hurt and anger. And sometimes I say things where the person I resent can hear. I try not to be blatantly  ruthless or cruel. No, I’m discreetly mean.

Recently, there was a situation that had occurred. I was “nail-spitten mad”. It was later that I realized it wasn’t so much the person I was mad at but my spouse for making light of the situation. SMH

Resentment wears many different masks in the battle for compassion, needing validation.

“Resentment is like a poison to a relationship. It kills off the yummiest part of intimacy-namely, empathy” Psy. today

In AA there is a resentment prayer. I pray for peace, health, happiness and prosperity for the person I have grown to resent. I pray until the animosity has lifted  or lessened.

I give it to God. “Why do I carry my burdens to the cross but I never leave them.” Romans 8:1

And pray til my world carries bright hues of colors. Auras of happiness. Forgiveness.

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In my year of Color

Connie

 

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Saving Myself From Me 2

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Sav
Self-Forgiveness comes. Especially if we wait. Sometimes we must wait a long time and even may fear it will never come. But look 2 Corinthians  5: 17 says,”therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!”

I used to think forgiving someone was the hardest thing and oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s harder than soothing my colicky baby. It’s hard. However, even harder is forgiving myself.

For a while I had given up trying to forgive myself. It just wasn’t going to happen. I deserved to be punished. Punishing myself through negative coping mechanisms such as the silent treatment, self-loathing, feelings of unworthiness, depression and withdrawal. Really I didn’t want to forgive myself. Why? I didn’t deserve it.

At one time in my life, I felt totally like a burden to my family. For 15 years I had caused them heartache from drug addiction, eating disorder, rehab, self-harm, severe depression, PTSD from being sexually abused and the list goes on. I am a mess. No wonder I drank and drugged that later led into other addictions.  I reflect back on Sins of the Mother. A writing I posted earlier. I tried to ease the pain. I tried to end all the hurt. But instead, I caused even  more pain for my family. It wasn’t in God’s plan. I’ve learned a lot since then but I’m still working on forgiveness for what I did to my family. Not that I should “work”on forgiveness. It’s a done deal, right! I just have to let forgiveness in.

Jesus revealed over and over that my sins, my imperfections, and disobedience were washed away by the blood on the cross. I just had to embrace it. I had to learn to live a life blessed without bitterness, harmful, negative and resentments toward me!

In AA, we forgive others to help us stay sober. It’s a one-way street. I forgive you but it’s without expecting an apology in return. We stay sober that way. Even the Bible doesn’t say anything about expecting an apology. So, what about forgiveness of ourselves? What about forgiving me? I don’t talk about that. It’s the same, though! I would guess.

God shows us God-nuggets of forgiveness in mysterious ways.

A few nights ago my son talked to his dad and I about his graduation from nursing school next week. He has his pinning one day next week. The pinning is done by faculty. So that night my son said, “mom will you pin me.” I was speechless. Tears welled up. Tears of all the pain I had caused my family,  I fervently prayed for forgiveness. Then remembering I was forgiven,  I looked up to God and said thank-you. He Showed me that all the years of heartache were wrapped up in a tight bundle and tossed behind the cross where his had Son died.

Romans 8:1 “ Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

God, let’s continue this journey.

Another God-nugget: What a beautiful generation that is passed on. His great grandma was a nurse, his grandma, his mom and now him. Pretty cool, huh?

So, Lord help me to continue to forgive me! Oh Abba Father, the work was already done, please show me how to love me with the same sweet love  you have for me shown at the Cross . I am forgiven.

I can not earn nor do I deserve His forgiveness… it just is.

❤️ Me

 

”In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift…” Brennan Manning

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Sins Of The Mother

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on April 20, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Our son graduates from college in two weeks. He will be a Registered  Nurse. (Well, actually after he passes boards.) I,too, am a Registered Nurse.

Unfortunately, I left nursing on less than admirable terms some years ago. I did go back to nursing briefly and it did nurture my soul. But because of  drugs…Eating disorders…and Rehab…as the memories  still haunt me, I fear for my son’s future.

When people find out his career choice, they say “following in your mom’s footsteps?” I cringe. I want to stand on a mountain top and yell out one of Madea’s favorite saying, “Hell. To. The. No’”

Somewhere at the end of my hospital career, I could feel my dignity leave my body, as if a spiritual experience was happening. My reputation had become tarnished. I know I had been a good nurse. I was kind, strong, smart… but…drugs had taken over my wretched body and mind. My weaknesses manifested itself and I was humbled by my insufficiency.

Talk is cheap in our town  everyone knows everything. “Did you hear…?” I would like to have a Mulligan (golf term for a do over.) in life. What would I do different, especially knowing how much I’ve hurt my children?

Why should our son suffer because of my indiscretions. My downfall came at both main hospitals so my biggest fear was that it would tarnish his chances for a future here in our town. I prayed not. He is smart, book smart, street smart and an uncanny wit. (This is what I am told). And he is beautiful. (That I know).

Last week, I found out both hospitals are trying to get him to come and work for them in ICU. Proud momma. So, he is choosing the one that he made an original commitment with. He felt an obligation. He is doing the right thing.  Regardless, this is his journey, his own walk where he has to succeed or fall, he’s on his own, he will skin his knees and get back up. His heavenly Father will always there to pick him up.

Remember, son you is kind, you is smart, you is important! You can do anything. (The movie Help)

living the supernatural

Connie

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Twisted Fate

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 5, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Matthew 18:21-22 (“then Peter came to him , and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive them? Til seven times?

Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times; but, until seventy times seven.”)

Forgiveness is a funny thing. When I say I’m sorry, I just assume I’ll get one in return. Isn’t that how it works? I say I’m sorry and you say you are sorry back. So when you don’t reciprocate it leaves me feeling worthless, guilty,  unimportant and useless and sometimes just angry. But, the Bible does not say anything about us getting an apology in return.

What da I do? As my sponsor says, “have you prayed”? Sigh, why do I always forget to pray during hard times? Remember the prayer, “Help”? (Anne Lamott) That’s all, just help! How simple is that?

In my program that I’ve been so lucky to be a part of (12 step program) God grant me The serenity… so where is that peace? Do we find it through our search with God? ? A reminder is it’s my forgiveness not theirs. I’m not responsible for others.  It is freeing to let those we have hurt go. It’s not a one time deal. I sometimes have to do this over and over. Anger,  rebellion and retaliation is what l was feeling.

I remember a time when I made an amends to someone I had really hurt. I expected her to forgive me and to go back to where we had been before the situation happened. I said I was sorry.. She said “I made my amends long time ago but her words spewed like razor blades shooting from her mouth.” I was not sure what to say next.  Later, I had seen her out, she did not give me the time of day.

I am to clean my side of the street not hers. I have done that. I was sincere. I still felt the twinge of pain. What Twisted Fate. I hurt her, she hurt me.

But now in my peace, I can say “Wow”! “Thanks”

living the Supernatural

Connie

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Seeking God in the extraordinary only to find Him in the ordinary

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on March 19, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Seeking God in the extraordinary only to find Him in the ordinary. I guess what I mean is God doesn’t have to walk on water in my life, but He just might.

God is in the messiness of my life (and there is plenty of that)! He is in the mundane parts of my life too, like washing dishes, finding the lost sock from the dryer, spaghetti on Thursdays, dusting on Monday’s, and so on!

I’m in a Bible Study now. Sifting God out the mundane and the extraordinary! Or so I think.

In my study, I shared (the unthinkable), yes, I was a drug addict. I was a broken women. I should wear a BIG scarlet letter. Who would want me? Who would…?

After the Bible Study was over, we (they) all broke away to a group or someone to talk with. I stood there a lone. I began feeling awkward like maybe I had shared too much. Then I vowed to never talk again in a group (Like that will happen). Then not very long after that an elderly lady came up to me and thanked me for sharing what I did. “There are many of us needing to hear what you said.  You are saving lives.  you’ve made people uncomfortable because they have their own issues.”

I reveled in the moment.  The moment that God had sent someone to confirm my sharing was not futile. It was a confirmation that God heard me but, sadly, I quickly moved on to something else, some other life happenings soon after. Why didn’t I embrace that moment? Sift the nuggets from the grunge. For that is where I find God , The extraordinary in the ordinary. But I get too busy and forget to embrace the moment.

In AA, I talk about a spiritual awakening as I work through the 12 steps and find or connect with my higher power.I, also, talk about being rigorously honest for the program to really work and to experience a spiritual rebirth.

In the beginning of my sobriety, I was still rebellious, angry and dishonest. So no wonder Jesus didn’t walk down from the clouds! My spiritual waking was very slow in transforming, not because of God, but because of my stubborn nature. I was a prodigal child of God.  (Luke 15:17-20)

I finally returned home to Him, but not until then did I fully embrace the reunion and not until a few moments of conviction happened.  Assurance  of honesty, forgiveness and repentance through the AA 12 step program. But, there is no finish line on this race. And I must continually condition myself through the program. Because as they (AA) say, the drugs are doing push ups in the parking lot waiting on me.

Anytime I call my sponsor (from AA) with a problem she says, “have you prayed”? Urrrrrhhhhh, I should’ve known by now she’s going to say that but I don’t pray. Sometimes, I don’t even know what to pray for or how to pray. Sometimes, I just want the answers to the problem, like in college getting the answers to a test. So then, I remember a book by Anne Lamott on prayer. Help, Thanks, Wow. When I don’t know how or what to pray for, I just pray “help”. Then step back and watch God, be God! Then I say “thanks, wow”. Pretty cool.

I pray, oh do I pray. And In silence, with people, from songs, worship, and words, I find intimate moments with my Abba. He always gives me the answers if I stand still. (Psalm 46:10)

There in the extraordinary is God in the ordinary.

living the supernatural

Connie

 

 

 

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How Will I Die?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on March 6, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

How will I die?

(John 3:15)”…that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life”

As A Hospice Nurse, I heard this question often. But this particular time I  held on to this question with a whole new meaning and a special love.

My sweet patient looked down at the floor wringing his hands, finally having the courage to ask me “the” hardest question, yet. I could sense something had been bothering him during the last few of our visits. I could see it in his eyes. “How will I die?”

He was an intelligent man so I knew he would expect the details. As I began sharing the process of dying, I could feel “A” presence overtake us. Perhaps may I  say that God filled the room. He took over the situation. Peace filled the apprehensive uncertainties that crept into my mind.

Nearing the end of my explanation of death and dying, I told my patient (and friend) that one thing I have noticed was that almost all my patients were given an incredible peace in the perfect time nearing the end. However, all my patients had been Christians. I had heard stories of patients passing that were not Christians that were less than peaceful but I have not personally experienced this, so I could not share that with merit.

He then said, “Well, I just might be your first.”

I felt my heart just sink into my toes. I had given him several Christian books to read and he had enjoyed them so I just assumed…. Now, he looked at me with such sadness. He told me that he wasn’t worthy. He had never led a life that God would be proud of. He did not attend church much. And the list grew. But he said, “I’m not a bad person. I just didn’t work for God.

I asked him if he had read the Bible or parts of it. And then I asked him if he believed in it. He said, “Yes.” I asked him if he believed that Jesus was the Son of God and again he said, “Yes.” So I did have something to work.

We went on for some time, God giving me the words, scripture and the peace to share. I finally asked my patient if the thief on the Cross had time for works, church and all the things he had listed and through his tears he cried, “No.”

The words shared were…Supernatural… and from our Heavenly Father…. I was a partaker.

He said, “I have some thinking to do.” And I asked him what he felt he needed to think about. I said, “Would you like to receive Christ as your Savior now? I can help you do that and I would be honored.” He nodded yes. There we held hands. His mom, a Godly woman, sat across the room. And we prayed to receive Christ.

I believe I heard Heaven rejoice.

Interestingly, as I shared this with my family (of course, leaving the name confidential), my 12 year-old son asked if we were going to baptize him. Well, duh! Why didn’t I think of that? So this week our Chaplain is going to baptize him. I’m not sure who is more excited, him or me.

How will I die? My sweet one, you won’t—you have eternal life now!

(my patient died 10 minutes after he was baptized)

As an addict, I used to think I will surely die and could not be forgiven but I was…am. I am His child. I have eternal life just like my patient.

living the supernatural

Connie

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