Archive for October, 2018

The Little Girl Down The Street

Posted in Uncategorized on October 19, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

There was a quiet girl down the street. Average girl. You wouldn’t notice her in a crowd. But in her young age, she was more concerned with the other girls. She tried not to let the sting of being sometimes picked third,forth even last but never first to the team. She was Mediocre at best.

She wasn’t the smartest. She didn’t get awards,scholarships or recognition for any of her works, art or music. She secretly thought it was good.  It just wasn’t to be. She was Mediocre at best.

She wasn’t the prettiest. There was always someone prettier. She felt inferior to her friends that were smarter, cuter. Parties, “I’m sorry you are not invited.” Her body image was less than. She hated who she was and was mad at God that He had not made her special.

To her mediocre meant failure.

She dreamed of a prince rescuing her so that others would see. See that she was special.

At night, her mind would Dance with the stars. She would dream of being special to someone, something.

But she had a dark secret that kept her from being “like the other girls.” One she promised to never tell. One she was too ashamed to tell. Even as a small girl,she knew it was wrong. Was it her fault? But she was so young. So yes, she wasn’t like the other girls. She carried her secret through her life. She had begun to realize she was not special like she once thought. She believed the lies.

As she grew up, the secret grew with her. And she grew less. She learned though by happenstance one evening as she sat off in a corner that there was another world. One drink made her high and for a while she forgot her pain. But she didn’t stop at one. Two, three. And before long she was singing karaoke with the rest and felt like one of them. And the boys … the boys had started talking to her. Finally, she was special. One even said he would take her home. How special she felt. She felt like a princess again, like when she was little…before…,it happened. Even if just a short time, she let him walk her to the door. But then he began to get pushy. He wanted to come in. She said no. But he was stronger than her.

Once again she carried a dark secret deep within her soul. “What is wrong with me?” She begin to self-loathe. She began to not care. She thought God had forgotten her.

But she had found a way to drown out the pain privately where she couldn’t be hurt. Or that is what she thought.

At first, she just drank on weekends. With time, she started drinking a night or two during the week. Eventually, she was drinking everyday. She was having a hard time focusing at work.

Her world had spiraled. She had lost everything. The few friends she had. Her job. Her dignity.

It was then that she walked through the doors.

Me

Her Broken Wing

The Dance Of Despair

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on October 19, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

The world goes by really fast while I am just stuck in a motionless trance. I expect others to dance my dance. And when they do not, I fall deeper into despair.

When I am depressed, I cannot see anything past my thick heartbroken goggles of sadness. I cannot see past my pain. My world is skewed through my own agony and not the reality of God’s beauty.

I am, though,  just the shadow on the wall. I am not light nor darkness. I vacillate between both worlds of good and bad. Feeling like I have fallen from grace and condemnation to hell.

Help me crawl out of this misery and the way the world has had its way with me.

May God shatter the glass from my goggles to help me see a reflection of His face, to bring serenity to my soul and to bring me to the light of this world.

Sobriety did not promise me serenity. Serenity is a place I must achieve on a daily basis minute by minute. It’s not a passive job either, I must be active in its goal.

As much as I lived and breathed my addiction, worrying about my next fix or drink, the same energy must be spent in my recovery.

But you are God alone.  All things through Him!  Phil 4:13

me

The Loney Wave

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on October 1, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

 

“He quieted the wind down to a whisper, put a muzzle on all the big waves. And you were so glad when the storm died down, and He led you safely back to harbor.” (Psalm 107:23)

My family’s vacation was incredible, but being at the beach always is. For it is God in His purest form. The waves speak to me in the rarest form. The air brushes against my face as if speaking a whole new language. The midst of salt air rises from the waves and touch my skin in an amazing newness. Just smell a newborn baby, touch their skin, caress their hair all the while closing my eyes in this venture. My senses come alive.

This is what it is like when I allow God to become my senses, when I let Papa embrace the beauty of all He created.

Just call me Mrs. Kodak. I love my pictures. Here is one of the pictures I took while I was on vacation. It is a picture of a lonely wave. But it is a pretty significant, a  picture with amazing powers. For this picture depicts a beautifully calm sea with one very lone wave with a very large wave riding its last ride into the shore. What a contrast! For the day before, the seas had been very rough.

As I look at the pictures, I can actually smell the ocean, hear the birds and feel the wind against my face. And I think about the one lonely wave making its wave shore–to his home!

The wave does not think about time. Oh no! He’s not on a schedule; he’s only on God’s time. He’s living in eternity. As I watched the wave, I notice how at peace he lives his last moments. As if with all his strength he has, he bellows up and rolls. I hear him. He is a witness to his Savior. He lives out the purpose of his being without question. And as he rolls onto the shore, he surrenders with such peace.

He is “Led safely back to harbor.” (Psalm 107:23)

What a similar story. My drug addiction, just like the rough seas. Then rolling back home with such peace to sobriety.

“Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21) as we stand before our Abba.

The lonely wave….

me