Archive for April, 2018

Saving Myself From Me 2

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on April 26, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Sav
Self-Forgiveness comes. Especially if we wait. Sometimes we must wait a long time and even may fear it will never come. But look 2 Corinthians  5: 17 says,”therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!”

I used to think forgiving someone was the hardest thing and oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s harder than soothing my colicky baby. It’s hard. However, even harder is forgiving myself.

For a while I had given up trying to forgive myself. It just wasn’t going to happen. I deserved to be punished. Punishing myself through negative coping mechanisms such as the silent treatment, self-loathing, feelings of unworthiness, depression and withdrawal. Really I didn’t want to forgive myself. Why? I didn’t deserve it.

At one time in my life, I felt totally like a burden to my family. For 15 years I had caused them heartache from drug addiction, eating disorder, rehab, self-harm, severe depression, PTSD from being sexually abused and the list goes on. I am a mess. No wonder I drank and drugged that later led into other addictions.  I reflect back on Sins of the Mother. A writing I posted earlier. I tried to ease the pain. I tried to end all the hurt. But instead, I caused even  more pain for my family. It wasn’t in God’s plan. I’ve learned a lot since then but I’m still working on forgiveness for what I did to my family. Not that I should “work”on forgiveness. It’s a done deal, right! I just have to let forgiveness in.

Jesus revealed over and over that my sins, my imperfections, and disobedience were washed away by the blood on the cross. I just had to embrace it. I had to learn to live a life blessed without bitterness, harmful, negative and resentments toward me!

In AA, we forgive others to help us stay sober. It’s a one-way street. I forgive you but it’s without expecting an apology in return. We stay sober that way. Even the Bible doesn’t say anything about expecting an apology. So, what about forgiveness of ourselves? What about forgiving me? I don’t talk about that. It’s the same, though! I would guess.

God shows us God-nuggets of forgiveness in mysterious ways.

A few nights ago my son talked to his dad and I about his graduation from nursing school next week. He has his pinning one day next week. The pinning is done by faculty. So that night my son said, “mom will you pin me.” I was speechless. Tears welled up. Tears of all the pain I had caused my family,  I fervently prayed for forgiveness. Then remembering I was forgiven,  I looked up to God and said thank-you. He Showed me that all the years of heartache were wrapped up in a tight bundle and tossed behind the cross where his had Son died.

Romans 8:1 “ Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

God, let’s continue this journey.

Another God-nugget: What a beautiful generation that is passed on. His great grandma was a nurse, his grandma, his mom and now him. Pretty cool, huh?

So, Lord help me to continue to forgive me! Oh Abba Father, the work was already done, please show me how to love me with the same sweet love  you have for me shown at the Cross . I am forgiven.

I can not earn nor do I deserve His forgiveness… it just is.

❤️ Me

 

”In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift…” Brennan Manning

Sins Of The Mother

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on April 20, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Our son graduates from college in two weeks. He will be a Registered  Nurse. (Well, actually after he passes boards.) I,too, am a Registered Nurse.

Unfortunately, I left nursing on less than admirable terms some years ago. I did go back to nursing briefly and it did nurture my soul. But because of  drugs…Eating disorders…and Rehab…as the memories  still haunt me, I fear for my son’s future.

When people find out his career choice, they say “following in your mom’s footsteps?” I cringe. I want to stand on a mountain top and yell out one of Madea’s favorite saying, “Hell. To. The. No’”

Somewhere at the end of my hospital career, I could feel my dignity leave my body, as if a spiritual experience was happening. My reputation had become tarnished. I know I had been a good nurse. I was kind, strong, smart… but…drugs had taken over my wretched body and mind. My weaknesses manifested itself and I was humbled by my insufficiency.

Talk is cheap in our town  everyone knows everything. “Did you hear…?” I would like to have a Mulligan (golf term for a do over.) in life. What would I do different, especially knowing how much I’ve hurt my children?

Why should our son suffer because of my indiscretions. My downfall came at both main hospitals so my biggest fear was that it would tarnish his chances for a future here in our town. I prayed not. He is smart, book smart, street smart and an uncanny wit. (This is what I am told). And he is beautiful. (That I know).

Last week, I found out both hospitals are trying to get him to come and work for them in ICU. Proud momma. So, he is choosing the one that he made an original commitment with. He felt an obligation. He is doing the right thing.  Regardless, this is his journey, his own walk where he has to succeed or fall, he’s on his own, he will skin his knees and get back up. His heavenly Father will always there to pick him up.

Remember, son you is kind, you is smart, you is important! You can do anything. (The movie Help)

living the supernatural

Connie

Twisted Fate

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 5, 2018 by Her Broken Wing

Matthew 18:21-22 (“then Peter came to him , and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive them? Til seven times?

Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times; but, until seventy times seven.”)

Forgiveness is a funny thing. When I say I’m sorry, I just assume I’ll get one in return. Isn’t that how it works? I say I’m sorry and you say you are sorry back. So when you don’t reciprocate it leaves me feeling worthless, guilty,  unimportant and useless and sometimes just angry. But, the Bible does not say anything about us getting an apology in return.

What da I do? As my sponsor says, “have you prayed”? Sigh, why do I always forget to pray during hard times? Remember the prayer, “Help”? (Anne Lamott) That’s all, just help! How simple is that?

In my program that I’ve been so lucky to be a part of (12 step program) God grant me The serenity… so where is that peace? Do we find it through our search with God? ? A reminder is it’s my forgiveness not theirs. I’m not responsible for others.  It is freeing to let those we have hurt go. It’s not a one time deal. I sometimes have to do this over and over. Anger,  rebellion and retaliation is what l was feeling.

I remember a time when I made an amends to someone I had really hurt. I expected her to forgive me and to go back to where we had been before the situation happened. I said I was sorry.. She said “I made my amends long time ago but her words spewed like razor blades shooting from her mouth.” I was not sure what to say next.  Later, I had seen her out, she did not give me the time of day.

I am to clean my side of the street not hers. I have done that. I was sincere. I still felt the twinge of pain. What Twisted Fate. I hurt her, she hurt me.

But now in my peace, I can say “Wow”! “Thanks”

living the Supernatural

Connie