Daughter of the King

Some days, I don’t know, who am I? The oceans’ waves roll in calling me such names like self-pitied , self-destructive , unworthy  , depressed, and  chasing  shadows of the night, haunting my time in seeking peace and serenity.

People (I) gawk at things, my weakness and failure like an anomaly of nature, having come up on a bad wreck, trying to see how bad it really is,  I slow down to take a look. Why do I or we do that? Why do people look and stare and whisper….about me? “Do you know she’s ….?” I look back in wonder at the wreck. The wreck of my life. We  have all been there in a sense, staring and talking. Yes, you have in your human frailties. Denying it does not mske it go away! I don’t know but maybe watching  others in pain and destruction  makes our life’s  look, well normal, tender, loved and safe and more.

I had become the victim. Poor me. I used to believe that was a good place to be. People would feel sorry for me outwardly. But that wasn’t  the case.  A friend told me  when we have the victim mentally it is ugly and not an advantageous place to be. Just think about someone we knew with  the victim mentality, how do we feel about the person?  It isn’t appealing and sometimes grates us the wrong way.

What  I did to pull out of this? Several things

1) acceptance – I am an addict. Life changed  no happy hour. It is what it is

2) Go to meetings. When I was new,  I did 90/90  meeting a day for 3 months. Then, several meetings a week.

3) find a sponsor— I cannot begin to tell you how important this is. They have pulled my ass out of many trenches before! Start with one, you can get another one when you learn personalities.

4) work the 12 steps- start #1 it’s  so important.

Step One. “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable.” I wear this on a bracelet my daughter gave me always reminding me to give thanks

5)  clean my side of the street. In other words, quit blaming others. Find my part in situations

I could not do any of this without God. I wouldn’t be sober if it weren’t  for Him?

At the end of the day when I put my head on my pillow in the darkness of the night, i watch the silhouette of the trees on my wall.  The trees sway to the moons commands. Serenity I am reminded and I am also reminded of who I am…the daughter of the King!! (Psalm 45:9)

Good night and love  y’all,

Connie

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