She Said “No”

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Everyone it seems has a book. I don’t have a book. I have plenty to write about. But I don’t have a book. I think it’s the cool thing to say, I have a book. So maybe I should. I might even have people. Yea, scratch that. Let’s see I could write about my life. Child abuse, sexual abuse, drugs and alcohol abuse, mental illness, the medical world and sexual assault as an adult from a professional figure that I trusted. That is only a few of the things. I have more but then you wouldn’t believe me. No, I didn’t murder anyone, yet.

I read another blog today…talking about a book. It talked about sexual abuse. That raised a lot of emotions within me. It has not been too terribly long that I had been there. I’m an adult. I should know better, right? I’m a nurse for heavens sakes. But truth is I was sick, undiagnosed bipolar, just off opioids after 10 years. The worst that could happen did. It was the perfect storm. I trusted. I don’t trust people and I had let down my guard.

Where have I been? Coming back from the dead, literally. And my poor family has had to pick up the shattered pieces.

Over the past years when I pray unforgiveness, God says “for they know not…” (Luke 23:34) but what about “Connie, I got this”. If it weren’t for the 12 steps of acceptance, forgiveness, looking at my crap…..

For so long I didn’t believe God. When I say I didn’t trust anyone, I meant that, not even God. “How could you God?”  This shouldn’t have happened. So I withdrew into my dark cold world. I uttered “no” when it happened, it was there I heard it, maybe it just wasn’t audible but it was there.

He was powerful, how could I fight back? I would get in trouble. Do you know I still have nightmares about you? I just don’t wake people up screaming. Sometimes they aren’t even when I am asleep. Thank you drugs for PTSD.

Don’t worry, no one will know who you are, a deacon, a fine man of the community. No. Who would believe me. After all, I am a recovering drug addict.

My book?

She said “No”

forgive them Lord for they know not ………

Connie
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