And I Dream of Who I could Have Been….


I don’t make a move unless my friends approve. I have developed a sense of codepency leaving me battling my sense of meaning to my place in the universe. Time taps her hands on my shoulder letting me know she is moving on with or without me. And I start to dream of who I could have been.

In a sense—I am a people pleasing addict too. I want you to like me. Sure– everyone does to some degree but what extent will I go to for you to like me MORE. I have perfectionist genes that rear their ugly little heads making me want to be the best! Better than you.

Where is the humble in that?

Truth is I am trying to please someone who is just as insecure as I am. I manipulate, fold and told the other person until they too meet my needs. I only assume the person feels a certain way about me when it is only my perception anyway. Actuality is I don’t know how they feel. And so The Dance Waltz’s into the night.

Big men and little God–that has become my mentality. I have let the world mold me into a façade of impressions based on what you wanted me to be. Now, I don’t know who I am.

Oh it isn’t your fault. It is mine.

In our AA meetings, life is real. No one tries to impress the other. I realize that we lost just about everything… we have nothing left but the real. We were stripped of the walls that were built to impress you long ago. Now, I don’t have to impress anyone, the group wouldn’t care anyway. They would just call my bluff. It is little men and big God.

Slowly this mentality is trickling over into my life.

I was not given life to become something of the world, but to find out who I am and become that person.

Beautifully Awkward

2 Responses to “And I Dream of Who I could Have Been….”

  1. Laura Cochran Says:

    Your openness and honesty is refreshing. I know what that sentence of addiction is like. Although I have never been addicted to alcohol or drugs I am a daughter of an addict and I have three brothers who followed in that same suit. I have struggled all of my life to stay clean because I realized as a teen the last thing I wanted was a life of addiction. Unfortunately, I have different addictions. Food is a big one for me. I consoled myself in food for many years and yes I am obese. But I’m working on it. The glory of God in my life has made me changed. I am whole in Christ’s eyes but I am not whole in my own eyes.

    Please know this….I love you. Though we have never met, after reading your blog….I feel connected and I care. I pray that the Lord brings you peace and solace each day…and that your journey of sobriety continues through the rest of the days of your earthly life!

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