The Quest For Perfection

Flawless — The Quest for Perfection. The perfect self.  

 

I found I could not tolerate boredom, the “humdrums”, depression, the feeling of inadequacy, imperfection or stress.

I could not tolerate…. “Normal”– either.   

That just about covers — my life.   

The insatiable hunger for filling my soul of a sure escape. I thought.   

It seemed though the harder I strived for perfection, the further away I fell.   

Perfection is a state of mind, whether it is my mind or someone else’s, the scale of perfection is truly in the eye of the beholder–mine and yours.   

Long ago, my buffer between reality and perception was born. For me, it was my codependency (my need to be needed) which eventually no longer filled the “High“ I sought‘– I moved up the cycle of destructive dependencies, my addiction. My need for continual excitement, yet seeking to reduce my stress–my feelings all in the same swift moments became the paradox of my secret life.   

On this journey, many times the buffer was removed without replacing it with something else. This did not work. I would relapse compounding my wretchedness as a failure. I would have to be taught that I was not to live on a continuous high or permanently excited all the time. It would be like treading water. I would wear out before long and be overcome. I would have to be “taught” contentment in the moment.Such a simple lesson, yet one I missed along the way. For in my addiction, I was never satisfied. There was never enough.. (Prov 30:15-16)… I lived a barren life in my hell.   

I am learning that the seal that buffers between my soul and physical body can only be of One thing. And I cannot remove my addiction without replacing it with this One, lest I choose worry, food, sex, gossip, work….   

I have a tendency to be a workaholic, too. God has kept my work schedule at arm’s length as I heal. I haven’t understood that until recently. He is allowing me to fill myself with Him.   

It is about “humbly” asking God to be my “Still, small voice.”   

Shall I choose God to be my perfection?   

When that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away…For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face (1 Corinthians 13:10-12 NKJV)  

 

 Beautifully Awkward   

 

 

One Response to “The Quest For Perfection”

  1. Keep listening to that still, small voice sweetie.

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