On My Father’s Apron

“Just let me die,” I cried into my pillow a million times. Eventually, there became a desperate plea for God to take me home. I was tired of fighting this battle of addiction but each time God would put sweet memories of my family in the forefront of my mind and I would hold on another day.

I had tried too many times to count on giving up the pills. I went through cold-turkey on at least 4 different occasions. You would think someone in their right mind would catch on quickly and not want to suffer needlessly but this is not the case with us addicts—we are sick. For each time I went through detox, I would swear off any form of drugs or alcohol– F.O.R.E.V.E.R; thus begging the God Almighty that if He would just spare me, I would serve every last living starving person on the streets from here to nowhere– for my remaining days on earth.

As in Childbirth, many women have sworn to “Never do this again” only to turn around and bear a child the following year; the pain subsides all-to-soon and we forget. Or I did. One time, two times and finally 3 and 4 came and I still didn’t remember the suffering I had endured from previous times I detoxed. I would succumb to the power of the drugs. I could hear the war going on in my head –drugs make you feel good. Regardless, the outcome was always the same. I gave in.

I had so much to lose. But it didn’t stop me. Little by little, I started losing things that were important to me. I didn’t see it happening or maybe I just didn’t care. Either way, my life was being stripped away until I was completely exposed. One day, I was left humbled and humiliated—it was far worse than any dream I had ever experienced where I stood before a crowd stripped naked with everyone staring at me.  The difference — this was real and there was no waking up to a better existence.

In a matter of hours, I lost my job. Thus, I lost my identity –my whole identity was wrapped up in being a nurse.

I was reported to my state board of nursing by my employer even though… (Another story)

I lost my role in several other capacities that I served in the community.

I went from a strong person everyone looked up to to a person of “Damaged goods.” Isn’t it grand how fast news travels?

But ah, I am losing my addiction to self-approval of others. When I hit the bottom, I learned a lot about myself. I learned who my friends really are and who they are not. The funny thing is the ones that run from you are most likely the one’s dealing with their own fears. This hits too close to home. That or they think my addiction is contagious??!!

The best thing of all, I have lost my old life. I am on the road to recovery and will be for the rest of my life. Praise God. I have a lot to learn about myself. But I realize I can’t do this on my own and I will be tugging on the apron of God.

I read in my Bible the other day, if a person accepts the sufferings of the Cross—and loses his life will actually save it…FOREVER…“(Mark 8:34)

In this case, I would say I have made the mark or I am in the right direction.

For now, I’ll be found on my Father’s apron.

2 Responses to “On My Father’s Apron”

  1. I know you are moving towards an even greater discovery…. that in that place where you pull on the apron strings of the Father you will find God is a verb… He is the action in your life and mine…

    I believe great things are coming your way!

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