Her Broken wing

“Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13b)

Another day came; and I just lie there in my room listening to the bustling of life continue on without me. I was too tired, too drugged. I couldn’t get out of the nightmarish cycle I was living. Not only did shame eat away at my soul but the prevailing emotion of regret. I had lived with such sorrow over my life passing me by. The life as I knew it could be.

We all have had serious regrets in our life time. But when we feel are responsible for our own destiny, it makes the pain worse. I remember as a child, how strong the emotion of regret could be. I recall how magnified my emotions were as child? Just like the time I was on a scavenger hunt and walked right by the prize only to have someone walk behind me and find the reward. How devastated I was.  I had tremendous regret, “If only I had looked closer…” As a child, the sting of regret could linger for a long time.

My pain the past ten years was no different. Maybe because I had been in the habit of numbing myself, I am just now able to experience feelings–good and bad!

Regret attached itself to my soul and has not easily let go.

The law of nature is clear; we cannot be in two places at one time. If I live in my regret, I cannot move forward. For a long time, I just didn’t get that. I would perch myself on my pretty little throne of self-righteousness (see my addiction was still in the closet) as I tried to fix whatever current issues were most pressing–usually determined by–what caused me the most pain! I dealt with this by sending out letters (or emails) to those that hurt me. Maybe if I could make them feel bad, they would feel bad enough to come to my place and beg forgiveness. After all, this (“this” being –anything and everything) wasn’t my fault. Or I would play the self-pity card game, come, sit at my table and I’ll serve us tea and cookies.  Soon, no one wanted to join in any “my reindeer games.” My friends and family had a life. I was on my own island… The Island of Shame and Regret.

In my loneliness, through my tears and whispers, I began to cry out– Father Almighty. It was because of my extreme brokenness and my nothingness that I finally knew what it meant to give it all to Him, but all I had left was a worn-out, broken and shattered resemblance of a shell of my life.

So I did.

Gave it all. Piece by piece…crumb by crumb. (Drugs and all)

That night, I slept.

I dreamed.

I woke.

I was released from the bondage of regret. The scales of shame covering my eyes fell so that I could see.  I finally understood—the scripture:

“I was blind and now I see.” (Jn 9:6-7)

This entry was posted on April 8, 2010 at 2:31 am and is filed under Uncategorized with tags Faith, Hope, John, journey, Philipians. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.