In Search Of Me

I know I have talked a good bit about shame. But shame became the obsession in my life that kept me from freedom. It is one of the most powerful emotions known to mankind. It is a binding entity to our spirit that won’t let go. It is present in the healthiest of people.

So why is shame like a cancer that if not taken care of will grow and take over our soul? Because it comes from Satan. But he will present it in its pretty little package making it look like we deserve it. Sure I brought this on myself. I am the reason for all my troubles. This isn’t a disease. it is a character defect. I am a moral failure.

“I just can’t help you” may have been the most painful words I have ever heard. When I was coming forward to get help, most of my friends and family stepped up to the plate. But there were some very important people who did not. And those words “I just can’t help you” or even just the silence (which is sometimes worse) cut through my heart like a knife. I was left standing there bleeding. The pain was at times almost too great. When the words hit my soul, I bit my lip as if I could stop the tears but my eyes would fill with tears. My pain seeped through my eyes. And soon, I couldn’t stop the pain. I began to cry rivers. And then the ugly heaving chest thing began. Snorting, and all that stuff. It’s really ugly!

Why were those words so painful? They knew! Why does our exposed life revealed send us unraveling? Was I embarrassed, had my self-worth been challenged, yes but also my weaknesses had been exposed and put under a microscope. Were they saying, I’m not worth saving? Or she is one of those.  Tickets were free for those that wished to see the woman, who had fallen from grace. “Did you know that she…?”

Can you just imagine the pain? I sat alone for many days, wondering if life was worth it. I had reached true brokenness. I understood disparity in its pureness.

Shame had become a backdrop to my life now. I had been robbed of true happiness and joy. I had been robbed of the abundant life. (Jn 10:10)

Until one day I woke up and my hungry soul needed food. Searching for  morsels of life, I found something.  My facades were not working any way. God kept sending people and situations my way–so just maybe God did love me. Soon, I found a few more crumbs of God’s Word. And they tasted good. Those few bites increased my desire for more.

And my search began.

Her Broken Wing Princess

3 Responses to “In Search Of Me”

  1. Shame is like that….powerful and painful…purposeful and praiseworthy…

    Praising Him

  2. Another great post… another beautiful display of your heart.

    I would encourage you to listen to some of the messages by John Lynch with Open Door Fellowship in Phoenix, AZ. He talks alot about shame
    and grace. You can find him on the church’s website. He has also written a great book titled “Truefaced”…

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