Her Broken wing

Gone– were the many dreams I held in my heart, not just for myself but for my family.

“Mom, what is wrong with you?”, cried my son; or sitting so many times in my chair waiting for my husband to come home with our child  after a school function because I couldn’t get out of bed. I Live the nightmare over and over of the cries of my children.

I am sure you have heard of “hitting bottom.” It is different for everyone. Most of the people I know with this disease would rather crawl up in a ball and die then to continue on. I can’t tell you how many times I begged for God just to let me die. My life became unbearable with shame and guilt.  I felt all alone and for sure that no one would ever understand. I had to be the only one in the world with this problem. It was a problem, right?

What will they think?

One day I got up and looked in the mirror;  I no longer could stand who I had become and even worse, I saw someone I no longer recognized. Slowly the bottom was getting closer, because now there was realization of the self-destruction I had created and it started to show in my eyes. Our eyes do not lie.

Where is the bottom?

It was somewhere between Hell and Purgatory. I reached the bottom when the consequences begin to outweigh the initial buzz from the very first pill or drink I took. Also, the search for the next pill began to engulf me with fatigue, shame, guilt and downright frustration. I had become the beggar on the street in my mind.

I was one of the lucky individuals. I sought help before I lost everything. But I lost enough. I lost years out of my family’s life that I will never get back. My children are almost grown and I can’t begin to tell you the tears I’ve shed as they walked out the door without me.

I lost a job I dearly loved. I wrecked my car. I put my health in jeopardy. The list goes on in which I will eventually cover.

Do I dream about being sober? What would it be like? Oh yes, I dream of being sober like a little girl dreams of her prince charming.

I made a list of the top 10 things that are important to me. What does each of those areas look like now?  This is what keeps me getting up each day now.

I wanted this so bad, but couldn’t understand why did it take so long to come clean? Why not “just do it?” If so many of us like the new life once we are clean, why do we relapse?

Why?

I do not know. I am learning though. Maybe because we never pulled up the dead roots. The whole reason we started, bad stuff, crazy stuff, who knows. The point now is to move forward.

And the good thing about being at “rock bottom” is the only direction left is UP!

Through the Grace and Mercy of God, I am here. And I have a purpose.

If you are struggling, there is hope and help.

This entry was posted on March 18, 2010 at 7:33 pm and is filed under Uncategorized with tags beginning, Family, Hope. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.